like the violin

An interesting thing about Herräng is that I met several people (about seven, I think) who very quickly in the conversation said something like "no, you wouldn't do such a thing, it's not in your personality" or "I can tell you'd like/dislike this or that" or, worst of all, "I know your kind". Excuse me?! All of these people are American. Somebody Swedish would never say a thing like this; we may think we know something about someone, but we don't say it until the person is a friend - or an enemy, if that turns out to be the case. The people telling me stuff about myself were complete strangers.

It annoys me very much. What bothers me is not that they were wrong, or right (mostly they were right, since I wear my heart on my sleeve) - that doesn't matter. But it disturbs me that they think they know me better than I do. Why, then, is this disturbing? Because they haven't been through what I've been through! They haven't lived my life! And darn it, they wouldn't want to, at least not some of the years!

Ouch, where did that come from?

Anyways ...

It's not hard to tell that I'm social, outgoing, talkative and spontaneous. People guess rightly that I tend to like people instantly, that I fall in love easily, that I take an interest in strange people or things, that I'm creative, that I love music and arts, that I've suffered from wild moodswings and still do sometimes (though not at all as often as I used to). Those things are easy. But there are other things to me as well, things that people don't see, or don't see until I tell them.

And even if they do! Even if they do understand things about me, please don't tell me in such a know-it-all way! It's my life after all, and even if I don't know myself completely (only God does that, anyway), I defend the right to choose what I want to be like. I may be this or that, but I can change. I am not stuck this way, I will change and evolve and travel to new parts of myself, I will see new things in my soul every day. So don't talk to me like I AM one way or another and have no way of changing it. Parts of me that I do not appreciate, or that make it harder for me to reach my goal - which is love and happiness - I can change. I've done it.

That was hard in English. This blogging in English is really good for me. Oh, and speaking of that, I've had some really lovely compliments on my English during Herräng! Some people actually thought I was a native English speaker, that's pretty awesome.

And speaking of God, I haven't been to church for weeks. I'm beginning to feel the need. I really like that need, too. I really like being Christian. It gives me solid ground, a ground from where I can go wherever I want. And some people actually think that true religion locks people up in cages! Mine doesn't, for sure. Mine sets me free.

It's getting blue outside. I remember writing that as part of lyrics for one of Sebastian's songs, when we were seventeen: "summer nights don't turn dark, they turn dark blue". I'm resting. I haven't been outside my door at all today. It feels really good to just sit here and wait, wait for me to catch up with my life ... or for my life to catch up with me. Either way I expect it to happen in a few days' time, it always does. Until then I'll just sit here.