like the violin

So. It wasn't just the filter of my camera that's broken. It's the whole damn objective lens (I think that's what it's called in English, I looked it up). And it will cost me 2000 to get a new one (only slightly more than it would cost to have it mended, and that would take between six and eight weeks).

That's money that I just don't have right now. I don't know what else to say about this.

In school I'm suffering from a serious down- ... down what? A serious down? It's not so much that things aren't working, than that I believe that things aren't working - which is a huge difference. I'm still working with my self-confidence, and things have gotten A LOT better these past few years, but well ... I have a long way to go!

I guess the stress of these past months have eaten all my energy, so that there's been nothing left to keep me believing in my own musicality - which certainly does take a lot of energy, some days ... When the music is working and I feel like I could sing anything, it's easy. But when my voice is tired and I sing out of tune and all that, it's almost impossible, but still necessary: I need to know that my very own personal style and musicality is there, underneath, in me, all the time, and that it will show itself another time, another day, when I have slept better or feel lighter or feel safer (or whatever it is that bothers me without me knowing it. It could be the smallest of things, that makes singing more difficult. It could also be the smallest of things that makes it easier again, but I tend to forget that).

I need to believe that I am capable of doing everything we are supposed to do at school, and what's more, I need to feel that my efforts are enough. That I can't do more than what I already do. Why shouldn't my work be enough when everyone else is? Why must I always require more from me, always more and more and more? I do my best. I need to believe that it is good enough.

I also need to believe that I'm a good and loveable person even on my bad music days. That I have a value also without the music.

I just don't know how that's done, right now.

Here's a poem by Maya Stein (who has written many other wonderful things, for example a poem that is so soothing and inspiring that I have printed it and taped it onto the inside of my door, so that I can read a random line from it every time I walk out in the world - but more on that another time), a poem that so seems to fit this day, this struggling week of mine.

scrubbing the pots or a lesson in courage

What did E. Roosevelt say? "You must do the thing
you think you cannot do"? This morning, it seemed impossible
to meet the deadline of the garbage truck, or avoid the dogs,
or clean the kitchen of its tomatoey detritus, or figure out
the words for a poem I had promised.

Of course, Eleanor meant something a little grander
than hauling recycling to the curb or relieving the pets.
I don’t think she was talking about scrubbing the pots, or poetry.
Still, what better initiation into courage than the small miracle of a finished task,
clearing a space where life is waiting to be seized and shaken.