First real day at school and I feel strangely lost. Is this what I am doing with my life? Singing teacher? why? Will it make me happy? Is it what I have longed for? (Yes!) Is it what I long for today? And if not, why this sudden change? What has happened during this winter month?

I am sure it is something that will pass, but it is scary nevertheless. This is a scary place, you have to fight your way here, and if you don't make friends, if you are not popular, you will have no oppurtunity to sing ... I cannot doubt myself, if I do, I will be left behind.

I am in doubt.

Just a short note to tell you everything is allright, no, everything is much better than allright: I am almost ridiculously in love, so that nothing else really seems to matter, and I feel like I could drown in something warm and fuzzy that moved into my apartment with Johan. Who doesn't really live here, of course, but three floors down isn't really that big a difference from here.

- - -

Have been thinking I'll start putting the wardrobe_remix photos here, too, as well as on flickr. Another benefit of having a boyfriend: there is someone who doesn't tire of taking pictures of me ... And who has exactly the same camera that I had before it broke :)



Here is a picture from a few days ago. I'm starting to get a little tired of this grey weather ... We've had almost no snow at all and now we can look forward to at least two, maybe three more months of grey rain, mist and chilly winds. Lucky I have my strawberry hat. I seriously love it and hope I'll never lose it (cross your fingers for me, because I'm a master of coming home without mittens and hats and scarfs and stuff with no clue of where I left/ dropped them).

+ strawberry hat: had it since I was little
+ mittens: birthday gift from hanna & lisa
+ coat: h&m
+ scarf: handed down from my grandmother
+ sweater: handed down from my brother
+ pants: topshop
+ shoes: cheapo, bought at shock

Declaring 2007 complete ... (as suggested by Andrea Scher in her blog)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
I completed my first year at the Academy of Music. I am proud that I did not give up even when I felt like I am the worst singer on the planet and that I could never make a living of my singing. I am proud that I did not let others push me into a choice that I do not want; the choice between genres. I am proud that I keep figthing to be both a classical and a jazz singer.

More than that I am proud that I have come so far in understanding that I don't need _many_ friends but _good_ friends. I am proud that I have so much love to give to my dear friends and that I done my very best in nurturing my relationships during this year, also when there was little time.


2. What is there to grieve about 2007? What was scary? What can you forgive yourself for?
I forgive myself for singing badly and for thinking that I don't work hard enough. I allow myself to feel that I did my best. I forgive myself also for not succeeding in this, sometimes; I am not a bad person when I feel like I am the worst singer in the world, I don't have to feel guilty or be ashamed of my low self-esteem. I forgive myself for having complained to friends about how bad I am and how little I deserve my place at the Academy of Music.

I forgive myself for letting the whole summer pass without doing the musical theory assignments (and for still not having done them). I forgive myself for feeling that I didn't do a thing the whole summer. I forgive myself for not being creative, and for feeling that I HAVE TO be creative all the time to be loveable. I do not have to listen to people who claim that people who don't have a summer job and/ or travel a lot are lazy, uncreative and a waste of space ... and I forgive myself for feeling bad about it, too.

The last few months of 2007 was scary, because I had too little time for my friends, for myself and for my true musical joy. I intend to not let this happen again, but I can forgive myself for living that life without stopping myself from wanting to do too much too fast.

I grieve that I haven't been inspired to make collages. I grieve that the musical studies made me so busy that I had little or no time to make friends at school.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
2007 was a good year! A happy year and I intend to look at it as the start of something new, something strong and safe that I will continue to build upon during 2008.
2008 is my year of loving myself completely!

The Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera (there are a few photos in the photo blog) yesterday was simply lovely and wonderful in every aspect. As we stood at the doors afterwards, waiting for everyone (there were about fifteen of my lindy hop friends there), we looked at each other, almost as if we had just woken up from a dream. How could nine hours pass so fast? It could have been fifteen minutes for all I know.

I felt a little bit like Cinderella; is it already over? I had changed into ordinary pants and sweater, as it had begun to snow outside and I didn't want to ruin my dress. My friends looked at me and said "oh ... yes, that is what you look like most days ...", as if they didn't consider the pants and tee shirt-clad Kristin the real one, but rather the Kristin floating around in a red shimmery haze. Because that's what I was, that's what it all was: shimmering. People were staring (admiringly!) at me all night, probably because I am a good dancer (and how I enjoy the waltz and viennese waltz, rumba and foztrot, even the occasional cha-cha; everything is lovely with a good leader, in a ball gown, and with an opera orchestra), but I think it was because I was beautiful, too. It was an amazing feeling.

Today the world is covered in a wet, white blanket. I know Göteborg: this will not stay, the footprints I see from my balcony are already dark, my windows are covered with drops. But as I intend to stay indoors today, enjoying this Sunday with something creative (drinking hot chocolate for example (I wonder if there is any milk on the fourth floor, I've ran out) and working with a photo album which I have neglected for too long), I won't notice. Everything looks white and snowy and soft from up here.

Been intending to link to this amazing photographer for a while, but I've forgotten. I no longer remember where I got the link but I am sure you will love this as much as I do: Jan von Holleben's Dreams of Flying.

2007 was the year of the apartment. I moved in on the 4th of March, but I was asked if I wanted the apartment (and said yes without hesitation) sometime early January, so I spent the first two months dreaming and scheming, getting second hand furniture, planning what photos I wanted on my walls and looking through boxes of mugs and plates I've been saving. I knew I'd be happy here and yet I have been happier here than I could ever imagine. Coming here is coming home, every time, no doubt about it. I've noticed that I actually talk to my apartment like normal people would talk to a cat when they come home: hello dear, how've you been today? Been a good day, hasn't it? My apartment greets me by waiting for me, with calm, like my morning light.

2007 was my first year at the Academy of Music, a year which didn't turn out at all like I had planned - in bad ways and in good ways. I thought it would be easier socially; I thought it would be easier to get to know people and make lots of new musician friends with whom I could sing and play and be happy. Truth is, reality disappointed me a little at first. But after a while I realised that I'm not someone who will network because it's necessary; it's just not my thing to do. The people who know everyone may be more successful, or better musicians, but I will not go out of who I am to be appreciated and/ or popular.

My future as a musician is unsure, but what the hell, I will follow happiness wherever it takes me, and for now, it's keeping me safe and sound right where I am: with one classical pianist, one chamber music ensemble and one jazz ensemble, two choirs, one swing song ensemble and one guitarist. 2007 laid a solid ground for me to stand on, and I know where I want to go: more singing, more different inputs, more inspiration from every kind of music there is, more merging of styles and mixing of genres. More hard work, and more pure, lauging-out-loud musical joy.

2007 was a great dancing year, a year with my first Herräng Dance Camp and a year when I was asked if I wanted to become a lindy teacher - which I now am, with Kristian, who is an amazing dancer. It's been taking a lot of hard work, time and planning, but it's given me a lot more than it cost. During 2007 I went from being a fast learner somewhere in the intermediate area, having danced lindy hop for only a year, to being a dancer who is capable of analyzing my own dance and see all the things I need to work on to become a better dancer. It's a wonderful development and one that I am very grateful for.


And 2008?

I will sing, and I will dance, because it is what I love and it is what my life consists of. Fall was so stressed out that I didn't really get to enjoy my life to the fullest, I can see that now. And why would I live if not to enjoy it, the richness of it? Because it is rich, it is so rich. I intend to be calmer. I have said it before. I need to make it a mantra, impossible to forget or run away from. I need to be calmer.

As for the apartment I will move in two months, not because I want to (what wouldn't I do to stay?!) but because the contract was for a year and not a day more. Things will be harder when I'm back at my parents' place (I'll be staying with them for a couple of months), it will be more difficult to remain calm and happy. But I'll do my best.

I have Johan now, too, and I so look forward to starting this new year with him, to see where life takes us and this relationship that is evolving between us, like a creature of it's own, small and soft, swirling, living - I never looked at a relationship quite this way before, but this time, it really is something in itself, something that I can look at while it grows (and how it grows!), something that happened almost without me knowing it - as if one day I woke up and he was there, next to me, having landed there while I slept, unsuspectingly ... Yes, it still feels like that: when I woke up this morning, it took me a short while to realise that I hadn't been dreaming: that there was someone sleeping right behind my back, holding me very gently in his sleep.

Kväll i min gröna fåtölj. Har läst ut Vill Ha Mer av Katarina Bjärvall, helt sjukt bra och inspirerande; ser redan fram emot att smälta den lite och sedan läsa den igen. Fötterna i blöt - sådär varmt att jag ryser när jag pluppar i fötterna i baljan. Dagboken i knät, och Breakfast at Tiffany's, som jag tyckte det var dags för mig att läsa. Glass i mintgrön skål, till lika delar för att det är så gott och för att lindra svedan i halsen. Pojkvännen min skulle komma upp vid tolv. Jag tar och går och lägger mig så länge. Godnatt!

Back from five days of lindy hop in Stockholm, I've come down with the usual lindy cold. It's just impossible to go to a camp and dance with so many people without catching something, specially since we hardly rest. So right now I feel like a swollen ugly octopus with a sore throat, and a jellyfish where my brain once used to be.

Still, it was worth it. Despite how tired and worn out I was already when I came to Stockholm (Christmas was calm and lovely, but three days wasn't enough to pay for all the stress during autumn), it may have been the best classes I've ever taken. I learned so much! Can't wait to get well so that I can go to a social dance night and try everything new.

I had my best New Year's Eve for years. Lisa and Hanna arranged a dinner for twelve people, and then we went up on a hill from where we saw most of Göteborg, with all the fireworks. Despite my not feeling my best, it was a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have the friends I have. Johan was invited too (I didn't have to lift a finger to arrange that - he was already invited through another friend, how I love it when that happens!) and so he was officially introduced to two of my best friends. I'm so happy everyone seems to like each other.

For now I'm just going to spend a few days being calm, doing nothing, hoping to get well in time for the Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera on Saturday.