The problem with my life right now is the lack of energy reserve. I used all of my saved energy during the stressful fall semester, and the Christmas break was too short for me to fill it up. So now, I'm always on survival mode when it comes to energy (and therefor also joy and inspiration) - I can gather up enough while sleeping to make it through a normal day, but as soon as something (which could be anything really, it depends on the level of tiredness - anything from doing the dishes or my homework to meeting people to taking a dance class) occurs that requires more energy, I just want to give up and sleep for weeks. Or months.

I saved up energy all week to do a good concert two days ago. Like I said it went well and I'm very happy about that, but now there's no energy left for a whole weekend of dancing. I try not to complain, seeing as I've put this life together myself, but it is so hard for me to say no to things that I want to do (or would have wanted if only I could sleep for about a week first)! But well. There will be other dance camps, with more energy and great dancing.

Hm. I need to get some kind of photographic portfolio. I asked the boyfriend to make one for me, but I feel bad about it now because he really has too much work to do as it is. Oh well, I'll think of something.

Four more weeks in school and then weeks and weeks of rest. I can do it.

Finally (sorry I'm late), here's my part of the Pay It Forward challenge (I don't remember where I saw it first; I'll be getting a little something from the lovely and talented Emma Laiho, do check out her work if you haven't already!).

Rules:
I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.

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Above is a painting/ collage thing I made two days ago. I was going to do the dishes but just suddenly felt inspiration flow, so I had to make something instead. I am really happy with the result but even more happy with how good it felt to create something again, I've missed it. I had forgotten how it stops time.

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I sang at a lunch concert yesterday and it was SO GOOD. I am so happy with my singing, it felt great, I sang them like I had wanted to sing them, I can ask for no more. I got tons of compliments and hugs and it just felt lovely. (Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber, duet with Tommy; the Lettet Duet from Figaro's Wedding by Mozart, duet with Josefin, and A Case of You by Joni Mitchell).

The guitarist I played A Case of You with called me a short while after to apologize (he had gotten one of the scary panicking nervousness attacks, that we all get now and then, right before playing, so he had made some mistakes, but it was really nothing and I told him I was just so happy he had wanted to do the song with me), and he said his girlfriend who had listened had started to cry when I sang! Isn't that the best compliment!

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This weekend I am one of the two official photographers for Swingin' Spring, Gothenburg's yearly lindy hop workshop. 500 participants, including some of the world's best lindy dancers are here, and the weekend is busy with classes and parties (and in between, trying to get some food and sleep). I've had some extra troubles with my back lately so I won't be dancing much (also I'm way too tired!), but I'm hoping to get some good photos. I'm really nervous. I was asked to do this, so people might actually think I'm a good photographer, somehow. That's a scary thought. Up until now I've never really had any pressure to take good pictures. Oh well, I can only do my best.

My life right now is so busy that I just started crying earlier today, there were so many things to do I just got overwhelmed and couldn't handle it. But after crying I felt a little better. Five more weeks of school and then summeeeeeeeer = vacation. I can do it!

Some photos from a lovely Sunday:

Some more photos from the past - as in, last Saturyday. :) My cousin turned 35 and had a lovely party. (Yes, that's the boyfriend helping out with the dishes in the top photo because he's easily the nicer and more helpful of us. Actually he's the smarter too (which is somewhat annoying, because I'd very much like to be smarter). But I take better pictures. :))

As promised: some photos from the weekend before last, a weekend spent with dear friends.



Slow Saturday with Lisa and Hanna. First we went thrifting (and gave away an old lamp that I'm not as fond of anymore, and since I moved I just don't have room for it), then watched a movie. I can't even tell you how good it is to live in the same building as your two best friends, everything is casual, flowing.



Preparing a Sunday dinner with Andreas and (another) Hanna, two friends from high school that I occasionally meet up with, and it's always good and fun.

The view from my kitchen window, and trees in blossom at Järntorget during a short morning walk today.

It's like I've been some sort of mentally under the weather for weeks, maybe months, and now I'm finally coming back to myself again. I've been laughing today, out of pure unexplicable (the best kind) joy! It must be spring.

(Photos from these past few weeks - there aren't many, because I rarely take pictures when I'm low, but at least a few - will be up tomorrow. Right now I'm off to bed. Good night!)

A while ago I started to look through pictures from last year, the first year with my new camera. Here's the next part of the series: Five photos from February. (Here's January.)

So I was invited to this party, and I had been looking forward to it, I knew there would be nice people (most of which I don't know, and a few of which I know a little). And I haven't been to a decent party in ages, and I had come home from work and eaten my dinner and should be getting ready to go, but instead I found myself procrastinating in front of the computer. What? Why am I not already on my way? Why am I stuck here?

And then I suddenly caught myself thinking: What would I talk to people about? You see, I tend to always answer the truth when people ask me how I'm doing or what's happening in my life. And I couldn't see myself telling people I've never met before the truth about how I'm feeling in my life right now; neither could I muster the energy to spend the whole evening saying everything's fine.

So I decided not to go. Instead I went downstairs, where I knew Lisa and Hanna would be watching a movie (because they had been up in my room thirty minutes earlier to invite me), and then I spent the evening with them: laughing a great deal, watching a great (to my astonishment, it sure didn't look like it from the cover) movie, and talking about life in general and low-ness in particular. Because they are the bestest of best friends and they will remain so no matter how ugly, low, uninteresting or un-creative I may feel.

(Yes, I am a paper addict. I can spend a lot of money on paper and stationary, paper that I have no idea what I'm going to do with - I just like to go looking at paper, choosing, buying some, and then looking at it at home (and of course, occasionally making something from it. I really love paper.)

Also:
+ the boyfriend is in Ukraine for ten days. Stupid idea. I like everything better when he's here.

+ when I was in high school, I was so afraid of loneliness that I could start to cry if I didn't have friends to spend and evening with. For this easter, I was prepared to be calm, quiet and alone, and all of a sudden friends called me to say "I'm coming home for Easter and I miss you, do you want to see me?". So weird how they have always been there, caring for me, and how I never managed to see it, like I do now. I am so grateful for them.

+ I'm slowly getting used to my new apartment. I will like it, eventually. And yes, it is quite practical to live in the middle of Göteborg. It takes ten minutes to everywhere.

+ still no joy in music, still no collaging. I have started writing letters again though! Always something, I guess, although I miss my creativity the way it was, constantly flowing, never ceasing to surprise me with new energy and happiness in the work I was doing. (Let me know if you're a fan of letter-writing, we could work something out :))

Some more vacation photos. This is one hard vacation to come home from, I tell you, seeing as I haven't really got anything to come home to - still haven't finished cleaning up my new apartment from the guy I rent it from, and so there are boxes and bags everywhere and everything is still, well, a mess.

But it's been a great week and I intend to live on it for a long while.

Vacation

This would NEVER happen in my own family. All of the family members sitting in a living room. Some are reading, someone's trying to fix a problem with the laptop, someone's just thinking. It is silent. Everything is safe. Now and then, someone says something about the book they're reading, about the computer problem that's being solved, or about the delicious coffee beans dipped in chocolate that were bought yesterday and that we're now sharing.

If it were my family, the silence wouldn't be this comforting; someone would speak of what haven't been done or what's to be done tomorrow; someone would come up with something to discuss (or argue about). Come to think of it, if it were my family, this would never happen. We don't spend time together doing nothing. We're not calm enough.

I'm on vacation with the boyfriend and his family. I'm learning to ski, slowly becoming more and more comfortable with those mysterious things attached to my feet. I was extremely scared at first (and all the way in the car to get here (that's a ten hour ride) I kept thinking (and saying) "I will die! And break both my legs!"), but the boyfriend with his enormous amount of patience and - I'm beginning to realise - love for me, just kept comforting me and saying "I won't leave you. I'll be right behind. I'll help" until everything felt better. I began to thoroughly enjoy this whole skiing thing after only a few hours. I sprained my thumb today (by falling on it - yes, it must have looked as silly as it sounds), but not too badly, it's a bit swollen, that's all.

My muscles are tired. I'm slowly relaxing, letting go of all the school stuff, choosing not to think of what awaits me at home. I'll deal with that later. For now, I'm skiing. I'm going to sleep early and waking up rested. I'm eating good food, reading ("Equal Rites" by Terry Pratchett, which is a fabulous fairy tale to enjoy on snowy evenings like these in a cottage like this), and growing more and more in love with the boyfriend for every minute - yes, I can feel it, tangible, growing in me as I look at him, how I love him more now than two seconds ago. And it's not stopping.

This past week has been a MESS.

I moved on Saturday, cleaned my old apartment on Sunday and Monday, just to arrive on late Monday afternoon to my new apartment (which is about half the size of my old one, so the room is filled to the brim with furniture, boxes and things) just to realise that the person I'm renting from hadn't cleaned it properly, so I had to clean that apartment, too. I'm still not done. And Friday, I'm leaving to go skiing with the boyfriend and his family. Not easy to pack bags for a trip when you have no idea in which box your things are. (I know, I know - I should have marked them. But I didn't know I wouldn't be able to pack things up immediately).

On top of this, things in school - or rather, my feelings about going there - have been getting worse. I'm right now in survival mode, focusing only on making it through until summer. Meaning, I'm singing horribly, skipping loads of classes, and in general not at all being the perfect music student I have been, and had intended to be. I don't know what else to say about it right now. My plans for this fall, so far, is to take some sort of half-time class at the university (English maybe, I don't know yet) and sleep and fill pages in my art journal for the rest of the time. That's all I really want. Sleep, and fill pages with colors. Thankfully I have some money saved up, that I can live on for at least a little while.

As you can see, not much time or peace to blog ...

The boyfriend, though, is taking good care of me. I'm staying here until I'm done cleaning and unpacking - it's just depressing to be down in my new apartment now, with all the mess. Mess just isn't what I need in my life right now. To pull through with school and everything that must be done, I need a place to stay which is peaceful and organized and just plain nice, so I can feel safe somewhere. Right now the only place where I feel completely safe and at ease is in the boyfriend's arms at night.

I am homesick for my old apartment. Pictures on top are from last March. It is now exactly a year since I moved in. I felt at home there immediately. When will I feel at home in Vasastan?

Ever since New Year's I've been wanting to do some sort of photographic summary of that first year with my new camera, but I've had neither time nor inspiration to start it. Now I find myself, surprisingly enough, having a little bit of both. So I intend to share with you some of my favorite photos from last year.

So well, introducing: January 2007.

I have my pratical training in Kungälv, where I follow a singing teacher at a high school. I'm the one or two days a week, and I always leave the place tired (sometimes completely worn out and ready for bed at half past four in the afternoon), happy and inspired. She is an amazing teacher and I learn so much from her!

If the weather is nice, I take a walk along Östra Gatan afterwards. I love these little houses (continuing Sunday's house theme), and I love reading the sings that tells me who lived there in the 17th or 18th century. It's so nice to walk here.

different rains

The light has been marvellous today. It's as if the weather haven't been able to make up its mind; it's been raining, then some rays of light, then both at the same time, and all the time a stubborn, playful wind.

It happens that people (even I, on occasion) tire of the Göteborg weather, and I can understand that. What I don't understand is how they can say that it's always the same. It is not ever the same. There are thousands of different rains, and many of them are shimmering and immensely beautiful. Days here are often grey, but it is a living grey that makes a perfect background to any other color, it makes everything brighter, like the intense blue and red above. It has been a good day indeed.



Here's a picture of two of my best friends, the boyfriend and my monster (I bought him just recently, I just couldn't resist. Do you see how big he actually is?). They are both sitting behind me in my armchair right now as I write this. Life is nice.

to dress more like Rainbow Brite

A few days ago, I talked with some friends about what were our favorite TV series when we were younger. Mine are easy: Rainbow Brite and Jem and the Holograms. I haven't thought about any of them in a long while, but now they they were there, I suddenly felt an urge to see them again. I had to struggle a little to get to see them already as a child: they aired on channels we didn't have, so I watched them at friends' places and such. I had the first episodes of Jem and the Holograms on video, and watched them over and over (I still know many of the songs by heart).

But that tape is long since gone, so I've had to turn to YouTube. I haven't had much time to see it, but the little I've seen (of Rainbow Brite so far, since the memory of that is so much more distant) is making me childishly happy and giddy.

And I can't help but thinking; Rainbow Brite is about a little girl who wants to give more and brighter colors to the world, and Jem and the Holograms about a girl who wants to sing and make music. Dang it did I choose my path that early?! :)

So well, I decided to try and dress more like Rainbow Brite. Not just "today I'm wearing two shades of red and some blue", more like ... "today I'm wearing green, yellow, blue, red, white, brown and some pink". My wardrobe is full of color, this shouldn't be too difficult. I love color too much not to wear it every day! The photo below is from yesterday, Johan took it as we were walking to church.



+ scarf: åhléns
+ green jacket: vila
+ red jacket: ginatricot
+ mittens: gift from my mother
+ dress: h&m
+ bag: made from an IKEA fabric
+ pants: topshop
+ socks: knitted by my mother
+ shoes: cheapo

In the first episode, Rainbow Brite says her quest is to bring color and happiness to the world. Well, so is mine. :)

dreams of a little beautiful house

The boyfriend and I took a walk through Änggårdskolonin today, enjoying looking at all these lovely houses. I could so do this: grow old and live in an apartment somewhere nice in Göteborg (like Guldheden, where we live now, and both love) and have a little cottage like one of these, to spend summer evenings Sunday afternoons and what not. It's in the middle of Göteborg and yet it's another world.

That last house is my favorite. We'd have one just like that, and our apartment would be somewhere nearby so we could walk there on warm evenings. I'd have a studio, with big beautiful windows and lovely light, to make my collages in, and Johan would sit with one of his most beloved books and jazz records, and we'd drink lemonade in the garden.