new photo blog!

I've been thinking a little about my photo blog lately. I've been wanting to keep an "ordinary" blog instead of a homepage I've made myself, because it would be faster and easier to post, and possibly I'd do it more often (?). But the one I built for myself is perfect - for me. It's just the way I wanted it to look. So I've been a little ambivalent.

Until I managed to manipulate blogspot enough to make it look like I want it to look. :)

So I'm proud to introduce:
http://kristinsfoton.blogspot.com and I hope you'll like it as much as I do!

(The old favorite, song of the day, is back as well. I kept thinking about how much it said about my day. More than the photos, in some cases. So I wanted it back. :))

There will probably be a lot more action there than here, at least until the novelty wears off ... :) So if you are interested in my photos, please check it out!

I don't do resolutions

I don't do resolutions, because if I force it, it won't happen. These little things are just what I want - want I long to do, to make my life better. These are the things I know I need to be happy, and that I haven't paid enough attention to lately. So this is a necessary reminder for me. You can see it larger on flickr (there are little translated notes there too if you're not Swedish and want to know what it says).



I wanted numbers printed in a certain font (Bullpen! I love Bullpen. It's from Larabie Fonts. I love Larabie fonts! I've loved Larabie fonts since ... I don't know, since I first found them and used Deftone Stylus on a homepage back in 2002. Those were the days!), cut out from a certain paper (a map page from one of my vintage atlases. I collect them only to slowly rip them apart and use the papers. I feel a little evil every time I do it).

And I know that one way of doing it is printing the word you want, making a stencil out of it with a paper knife or scissors, placing the stencil on the paper you want to cut out letters from, drawing the outlines of your letters through the stencil, then cutting out your letters.

That sounded like a lot of cutting to me.

So here's what I did (it's very possible that everyone is already doing it this way, or some other MUCH SMARTER way, and I'm going to look real stupid because I only just started doing it this way ... but I'm going to post it anyway).

1. Write whatever you want to write in a new document in Photoshop (I use CS3). Preferably the new document is the size of the paper you are going to use, so you can see right away what size the letters will be. Maybe you don't have to do this if you are smarter than me, but I have to, or else I will mess up and everything will be the wrong size. You'll want to use a nice and bold font or else you will be stuck with your scissors trying to cut them out for ages = boring. Write letters in black, on white. Or have them just outlined if you want to save ink.

2. Image -> Rotate Canvas -> Flip Canvas Horizontal

3. Load your chosen paper in the printer so that it will print on the wrong side.

4. Print.

4. Now you can cut your letters out directly without having to make a stencil first, because you flipped them horizontally, so on your side of the paper they are going to come out right! Yay!

I have a feeling this wasn't very clear ... But ... Well, anyways ... :)


- - -

Here are some happy thoughts:


Have you written down something you love today?

a Friday

I have been taking some seriously good photos lately, and you really should get over to the photo blog to check them out. (And I'd be really happy if you would write something in the guestbook, too. (The guestbook works in English!))

In other news: Weekend, I'm happy, I'm taking up driving lessons (it's been a year since I tried last time) next week and am super scared, I'm looking forward to seven movies at the film festival starting this weekend.

I got my copy of the Portals zine* and my first thought was that I hate the fonts. Ick. They're horrible throughout. My second thought was "my collages are in this, for real?", my third was "but ... the other people in here are real artists, like for real! What were they thinking choosing me? I'm just playing around anyways ... and not very often either!", and when I managed to read through the words I had written about me (the font they chose is, besides ugly, quite unreadable), my fourth thought was "wow ... I sound really young".

And then: I am young.

* Apart from the fonts, it's a lovely and inspiring zine, so if you are into collages or art journaling at all, you should buy it.

en timme till

Just wanted to show you this page I made today about one of my smartest decisions ever. :)

Translation:
"About a week ago I decided to not spend more then fifteen minutes a day in front of the computer on weekdays.

I used to:
+ check my e-mail, flickr, blogs and facebook every five minutes
+ play minesweeper and chain factor
+ click around and follow links I wasn't even interested in

Now I can:
+ read books
+ write letters
+ iron my sheets <3
+ TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS EVERY DAY

And all of this just because I got one more hour - an hour that I didn't even know was there before."

I am so loving this new decision of mine. Suddenly I have huge amounts of time to fill with whatever I like. Letting go of that mindless staring into the screen is quite liberating, I tell you.

- - -

Update: Now this is exactly what I was talking about. (Via Penelope Dullaghan)

I got out

It's becoming more and more obvious to me that it was really close, and that I really saved myself just in time. It's only been a couple of weeks but I am enjoying this calm so very much.

Actually I realised it as I was talking to a friend on last Monday's lindy hop social night. "I can't believe I'm already this tired and busy, the semester has barely started and I thought I was resting the whole Christmas holidays ..." she said and she looked so immensely sad that I had to hug her a little. "Maybe you need to work less", I said. "But how?" she said. "Can't you try to ssk for 80% instead of 100%?" I said. "Imagine what it would feel like to have a whole day to just sit at home and read books that you really want to read".

She looked at me in disbelief at first. And then I saw something changing behind her eyes ... Like a small glimpse of light that grew steadier as I spoke. Like some sort of hope, a way out she hadn't thought of.

And I feel like I really caught the last way out, for myself. It can't be true, of course, I know humans are able to cope with a lot more than what I did. It couldn't have been that bad ... But it was bad enough. And I got out!!! I'm not saying that everyone should do less. Everyone has to decide that for themselves. I suppose some people handle it a lot better than me? Or maybe it was just unlucky circumstances that made things so stressful last year. I can only guess.

These photos are from Friday morning; I arrived at school early (or actually on time - the bus is supposed to arrive twenty minutes before school starts, but very rarely does). I am beginning to love those mornings on the bus, and the short walk between the bus stop and the school.

- - -

P.S. Don't forget to join my inspiring scrap papers swap over at swap-bot.com. It's just too nice to get paper scraps in the mail to pass up :) Last day to sign up is tomorrow!

my hand

Some of you may not have heard what it is I do right now, so I'll just say it again: I'm taking a break from the university (something I hear is rather unusual in other countries (?), but very common in Sweden; I don't think I know of anyone who didn't take a break in their studies to do something else for a while) to go to art school for beginners this spring. I needed to slow down. A lot. And allow myself to feel that I don't have to sing one single note if I don't feel like it.

The commute is quite long (one hour and a half one way) and I end up at a folkhögskola in the middle of nowhere. I guess I'll tire of the commute sooner or later, but right now it is just golden. It gives me so much time to just sit and think and listen to music.

And the course is, well, "calm" is almost an exaggeration. It is less than calm, it is the quietest, slowest course I've ever taken and nothing really happens ... Except I have time to draw. I go there in the morning, draw until lunch, eat lunch, then draw some more, and then I go home in the late afternoon. I guess I'm a pretty slow drawing student, but I don't feel stressed at all.

So, above is something I drew yesterday - my hand. And I feel so proud and pleased with myself. I didn't know I could draw something that would look even remotely like a human hand, but look! There it is. It's a hand. My hand. I have decided that I will feel very proud of my work. I am so tired of artists/ bloggers saying things like "this is just some crappy drawing and I hate it but I'll show it anyway in all its disgustingness". (I'm tired of myself saying similar things, too.) And I am totally not going to do it (anymore).

What's the use, really, in comparing my work to others'? This is my hand! I think it's lovely! And when I see other artists' beautiful work, I don't want to feel "oh ... their drawings are so great, much better than mine, so now I have to hate mine and feel ashamed of myself for even trying". I want to be able to look at other people's work to be inspired, and to learn more, not to compare. I am so trying to get comparison out of my life. OK, I know that with music, that may never happen (even though I would like to). It's just so much more difficult seeing as that is my main focus in life and also where I (plan to) make my living. So I can't promise you about that. But art is something I do just for myself. At least I want it to be. So I'm working on that.

old coat / new coat

Old coat



New coat

Okay, so the difference isn't overwhelming. :) Thing is, I really loved my old coat, but like I said, it was starting to fall apart to the point where not even my Mom could fix the holes (and that is saying something).

I didn't really want to buy a new one though, because - let's face it - most winter coats that I can afford are BORING. As in black. Or possibly dark grey. Or the occasional eye-bleedingly red ... *shudder*. (Please note that I don't mind that red, as you can see on my trousers above, but on winter coats it's just such a cliché.) I was losing faith ... and then I stumbled upon this, at BikBok of all unlikely places! And on sale! And it's warm, too!

So. I have a new coat. That's it. Apart from that I'll have to go naked if I don't find something to wear soon. I'll keep you posted.


Song of the day Soft Cell: Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

tunics and tights from now on

As some of you have heard or read, I haven't bought any clothes since the first of July. It was no problem at all for months; rather it has been quite the relief not having to bother with fashion. To tell you the truth, what with tiredness and stress and sickness, having one thing less to think about has been quite lovely.

But these past few weeks I have realised that gaining weight (which I do quite rapidly, because of this medication) and not buying any new clothes will decidedly pose a problem sooner or later, and here I am now: I have nothing left to wear. I have worn the same pants for ages and I suspect they will fall into pieces very soon. The same goes for my winter coat and my suede boots, and I ust can't squeeze into my skirts anymore.

So a few days ago I went out to try and by some pants. Good heavens, is I had known how difficult it would be I wouldnt even have tried. I have been a fan of Cheap Monday jeans and corduroy pants for a couple of years, so naturally, that's where I went first; only to learn that they didn't have anything with a wider waist than 32. How ridiculous is that?!

Basically I gave up the trousers hunt after that and decided to go for tunics and tights instead. For the rest of my life, or until I have lost weight, or, most preferably, clothing manufacturers come to their senses.

brilliant news!

I've been away for ages, and for the usual reasons, too: sickness and stress. But today I have some BRILLIANT news: It's Christmas!

Good things about Christmas:

1. I get to spend a lot of time rejoicing in the fact that Jesus is born, and I am saved. Sweet.

2. Time! I have two weeks of nothingness in front of me! A couple of family dinners, singing in church (4th of January if you can make it) and a New Year's Eve party is basically all I have planned. So if you want a fika, just let me know! (January is my next buy nothing month though, so after that it will be at your place or my place and not at a café.) And if you don't. I'll just sit here and read and eat chocolate and do nothing. Things could be worse.

3. Gifts. I get to wrap some and then open some. I love both. Unfortunately though, this part is over for this year ... But I have some really nice presents to play with, look at and use.

4. New year - new start. At least in my life. As soon as school had stopped, I started thinking things like "oh. a piano, maybe I should play a little?". I haven't wanted to play for ages. I feel things are going up from here! Yay!

I'll be celebrating this newness and general happy mode by re-opening the old photo journal, though at a new address: http://kristinsfoton.mine.nu. Go there! There are some December photos already and I'm hoping it's going to inspire me to take more photos. (Och för eventuella svenskläsande läsare kan jag meddela att jag har tagit upp skrivandet i min halvgamla blog. Flera av er hittar säkert dit, annars får man gärna maila och fråga.) I'll oprobably post here every once in a while, too. There are always some craft projects and stuff like that, which needs more space.

I hope you all are doing good and finding some time to rest this Christmas!

how I've been, lately

I received the sweetest message on my cell phone a couple of days ago. A friend of mine wrote "I noticed that you haven't posted anything in a while. How are you feeling? Hugs!"

And you know what? I'm better! :) It feels weird saying it, because I haven't felt "better" in a long while. But I can sing again, even though I'm not entirely rid of the cold yet, and I'm happy.

I think the turning point was that I decided to ask if I could to the singing test (there's one at the end of every semester, you sing three of four classical songs of your choice in front of four singing teachers and they decide if you are good enough, basically) in January instead of this coming Monday, and it was okay. Before I asked, it felt like a failure ... I didn't want it hanging over me over Christmas, I wanted it over with, and all that, you know. But then I realized it was the right thing to do. And that it's okay. That it can wait. That my health, and feeling good, is more important than stressing out over getting something done.

After that, I realized that, well, somehow I'll be able to get all the pieces together. And since then (that was a little over a week ago) I have. I have been crazy busy with all the stuff that needed to be done in school, but I ticked them off one by one, instead of trying to do them all at once like I did before.

And now I am officially in Christmas mode. No more school until January! I start working at Posten on Monday (and will do so for nine days, until the 23rd). I got the day shift this year, instead of the night shift that I used to have a few years ago when I worked there last day. I love working the night shift, but day shift is fine, too. After all you can have a normal life if you work the day shift. :)

Speaking of a normal life, a normal life to me includes a social life, and I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendships lately. I've been thinking about what all this stress does to us all. I have hardly seen, or talked to, any friends at all this fall - mostly because of my sickness and because most of my best friends now live in other cities, but also because I, and everyone else, have been extremely busy. And I can't help but thinking: what's it all for? Why do we take on so much to do? Why can't we stop ourselves? Were did spontaneity go? I don't want to to it anymore, I just don't.

There will probably be more on that subject soon, but right now, the boyfriend and I are off to buy our Christmas tree. We even borrowed a car from the parentals for the occasion. It's a good thing you know, having parents in the same city and a boyfriend with a driver's license. :)

over there

I just found out that Terenche Blanchard will be playing with the Herbie Hancock Sextet at the concert on Monday. OMG!!! I was a little excited for Herbie (the concert is sold out and was bound to be cool either way), but this! (If you need to know, this is how I felt about a tune of his a while ago.)

in other news ...

I forgot something in the good things list yesterday ... These photos are from the other week but it still makes me happy to look at them and know that some people actually DO something. Hilarious, Fältbiologerna!

What if I'm not her?

You have heard me say this so many times that you're not going to believe it, but here goes ... I'm sick. Again. These never ending colds I have been getting since August are really starting to annoy me. And I'm worried, too. I've got nine concerts, with both solo and choir performances, in the next two weeks. And the way I'm feeling (and sounding) now, I won't be able to sing for at least another week, maybe more. It's weird how a normal cold can destroy so much of life - mostly school work of course, but stuff I do for fun as well, like choir singing. And what if I don't take all my points? What if I FAIL? what are my teachers going to say? What am I going to do? I've always been en duktig flicka, the perfect student. what if I'm not her any longer?

It's no fun at the moment. I have looked forward so to this December, I love singing all the Christmas songs, but now I don't know at all what's going to happen, how I'm going to solve this. I can't even plan a solution. I hate that. I am used to getting double and triple booked, but I can always plan my way out of that one way or another. If only I knew when I'll be able to sing again, so I could plan it somehow! But I don't and I can't. And I'm worried.

- - -

The few glimpses of light ...

- The boyfriend, who takes exceptionally good care of me when I'm sick: cooks all my meals, hugs me all the time, looks at me as if I was the most beautiful thing on earth even though my nose is redder than Rudolph's, and buys me chocolate. Hm ... come to think of it, he does all these things for me when I'm not sick, too. but it's even nicer now :)

- Letters. A lucky coincidence (or the hand of God! Who knows!) made it so that I got letters from several of my favorite letter writers during the past week. That was very well needed and appreciated.

- På Spåret. I love På Spåret. The new season started last night. When people ask me what TV shows I like, there's only one answer: I only ever watch one, and it's På Spåret. (It's on English Wikipedia! Look!) It's about travels and places and stuff ... and it's just nice. No one gets humiliated. No one is mean. People just laugh and tell jokes and have a good time. And I also like it because I sometimes manage to figure out where they are going before the contestants do. :)

- David Eddings. It's lightweight fantasy, it's entertaining and it's about another world in another time, so I don't have to think about this world and its worries at all.

- Good songs, new and old. Anyone want a mix CD? I have some found some real goodies lately.

- I have enough money saved up to survive next semester even if I don't get any money from CSN (that's partly why I'm worried - if I don't take 75% of my points this semester, no money from the state next semester). At least for a little while. (So I shouldn't be worried. But I'm worried anyway.)

- We have nice sunsets here.

Truth be told, I'm rather proud to have gathered up so many good things on a day like this. And I didn't even include the sour cream & onion chips that Anders (who lives here as well) promised to buy for me today.

a few snapshots from this past week

Great food and happy people at last Sunday's party with the chamber choir



Chocolates I bought for the boyfriend (and me)



Getting off the tram at Korsvägen on my way to school



Lunchtime at the Academy of Music and Drama



Pancakes for dinner! Monster wants dinner too.



On my way home from church this morning

- - -

I intend to be a better answerer to comments I get from now on. I don't know why I've been so bad at that ... When I comment on someone else's posts, I like it when people reply :) So so will I!

shuffle minibook

Whenever I feel like making something, but don't know what, I make a shuffle project. I've been doing them for years; it all started several years ago on my homepage, where I made html pages for different songs. Then blogging came and killed all the personal homepages, and so I moved on to paper and glue instead.



A shuffle project is, as you may have guessed, based on the shuffle function of whatever you play your music with (iTunes and my iPod, for me). I just put it on shuffle and do something (a page or collage, mostly, but they can be drawings, paintings, photographs, anything you could think of)) based on the song that comes up next. And then the music keeps on playing, and when you have finished that page - no matter if you have heard five or twenty songs since you started - the next page will be about the next song you hear. (There is always the possibility of not using a song if you don't feel like it. I wouldn't want to force myself to use a song if I don't like it.) And then I keep going like that until I'm done, or more likely, until I should be going to bed.



One of the things I like about it is that I get a theme, a starter, something to get me going, but from there I can do whatever I want. I can think of so many variations on the theme! Colors, materials, photos, no photos, drawings, anything.



This one (see the images larger on my flickr page is a minibook that I wanted as cheerful as possible. It is quite unusual for me to use colors as bright as these - I'm more into plain yellow, red and blue when I use bright colors, and not so much magenta and turqoise. But it was fun nevertheless. Anything that will widen your perspective and make you try something you haven't tried before is a good thing. I used only photos that I had already printed - I have a leftover box for them - so they are from completely random occasions, but that is part of the fun. For me they still match the song I was working with, and that is the point (this time. It doesn't have to be).




I made this minibook a little while ago, and now, as I write this, I already feel like making another. A jazz themed one perhaps?

2004 pt. 2

The rest of the 2004 photos (the one with me laughing is taken by Lisa). I took so many photos back then. Most were bad, but I cared less. How do I get back into that way of thinking?

2004

I looked through all my photos from 2004, to choose which ones will go into albums (that's where I am right now - more than four years behind). And while doing that, there were some photos that made me feel "oooohhh". For different reasons. Photos I had forgotten about, photos I've had on the wall for ages, photos with beauftiful colors, photos with people that are still my friends, people that I loved but don't even know anymore (I met one of the friends shown below on a street yesterday and tried to say hello, but he looked right through me. I guess it's what happens) ...

I guess most are here for no apparent reason other than that they made me feel soft, warm and/ or melancholic inside. So here they are ... some photos from 2004, chosen by nothing other than feelings in my stomach. All taken with my dear Nikon Coolpix 2100 (those were the days!).

happy things

(Photo from last week's choir recording ... and yes, that's me. We were all really tired at this time! :) Taken by Karin.)

Happy things:

+ Our choir concert on Sunday (Lux Aeterna by Morten Lauridsen and Requiem by John Rutter) is going to be so great. The music is plain lovely, specially Lux Aeterna which I adore almost (but not entirely) as much as O Magnum Mysterium by the same composer. Do come if you're in the neighborhood! 18:00 at Härlanda kyrka.

+ Coming home from school and seeing that my four best blogging friends have all posted something during the day. And that all of them wrote about something nice and beautiful in their lives. It just makes me so happy.

+ That I'm going to see Ron Sexsmith live with Lisa & Hanna tonight. Yay!

+ Only two weeks until Christmas!

+ Calling CSN (in short, that's where Swedish students get/ borrow money to pay the rent while we're studying) and not having to wait in line. And then talking to a woman who not only was very nice, she also admitted that their mistake was their mistake - not mine.

+ I've gotten some lovely mail this week. Katie sent me this amazing collage (can you believe it?), which she knew I loved (because I have favorited it on flickr :)), and it totally made my day. (Thank you!) I hope to get some time to write a whole bunch of letters and/ or cards soon. Real mail is a fabulous thing!

I'm hoping to be able to blog some more than I have lately ... It's been rather busy around here, like I said. Keep your fingers crossed!

a busy week & frosty leaves

It's been a busy week! From nothing to hundred over one night. I've been teaching singing at a high school in Kungälv (part of my education) all day, and in the nights we've been recording a CD with my choir. I know recording sounds like a lot of fun but basically it's just hours and hours of really hard work. It's fun afterwards though. Recording in a studio like I do with Sebastian is easier ... and requires much fewer takes!

At least I have a couple of hours off now. Tonight it's six more hours in church (we happen to rehearse in a church which has one of the best recording acoustics in town, so the technichians have moves all their stuff (and that's loads of stuff) there) and then I'm teaching the beginners/ intermediate lindy class all weekend. So not much sleep.

But all in all, this is a lot better than what was before! I so prefer this busyness to the uninterested nothingness. If it has to be one of them. Which it doesn't. It will slow down a little, soon. I'm teaching at the high school for three weeks but have tried to clear the evenings off as much as possible to get some room for rest. It drains you of all energy, this teaching thing. But I learn a lot.

What else to say? I'm still loving autumn, enjoying every second. And soon, soon it's Christmas! Three weeks until Advent. And I'm starting to feel like creating something again. Not sure, but there might turn up something created here soon. I'm going to have to get back into the weekly themes to get something done, though ... So many ideas!

you will find it

I got a lovely e-mail from my friend Arne yesterday. Part of what he wrote was this: "... it's totally ok to say 'I dont know ... and I dont know what I want'. Just stick to that ... and don't try to hurry or rush out of it. You will find it". And in reading that I suddenly felt how right he is. I have my whole life in front of me ... and I needed that permission so much! That I am allowed to not know, and even more importantly, to not try to rush out of it. To be allowed to stay here.

I woke up happy both this morning and yesterday. This feels like a HUGE step forward from the dizzyness and general lowness that the medicine I talked about brings. I used to wake up happy most of the time - I could be very tired and want to sleep for a couple of hours more some days, but I used to be happy anyway - happy with my life, with having a whole new day in front of me. and this is how I felt this morning. I was so thankful to have it back.



And so, these two days have been good, good days. I can look back at September and October and acknowledge that it wasn't fun ... but I have energy to hope for a nicer November and December, now. I don't know if my body is getting used to the medicine, which my doctor hoped, or if it's something else, but I'm not going to analyze possible reasons for well-being. I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

So here is - yes, it's been a while, but I just can't force them - a good old "good things" list.

+ My doctor, speaking of which, is so good that she deserves a paragraph in the list all by herself. She is the best in the world and I am so so grateful to have finally met her! She is the fifth doctor I meet concerning this same issue, the first who has truly listened to me, and the first who has been able to think up a possible reason and treatment. For ten years I have heard from other doctors that "oh, that will pass in time". Well, it didn't. And now I am getting help. About time!

+ Yesterday the boyfriend and I took a walk around town, in that perfect crisp autumn weather that I love so much. Had some falafel and bought baubles for the Christmas tree (I know, I know ... it is early. But last year I saw so many beautiful ones and then thought "no, I'm going to wait until it's closer to Christmas so it will really feel like Christmas when I buy them" and then they were all gone. And I bought some new rolls of gift wrap too. Yes, I am addicted to gift wrap. Yes, I am proud of it.



+ I just got home from a great fika with Bersa. Good good good.

+ I need to get some new clothes. I'm not buying any clothes this for a year, as you may know - except for necessary things, and now some things have become necessary. I have, for example, two pairs of pants that still fit, and one of them is for summer use only (or I'll freeze my ass off no matter how many pairs of tights I wear underneath). That is one pair of usable pants, my friends ... I'm going to have to get another pair. Just one though! And I'll be needing warm shoes soon. But I think that's that. (Other things I have bought are three pairs of tights, because autumn in Göteborg is intolerable without them, and five pairs of socks, because well, socks are socks and they are known to have a life of their own. That's all since the first of July.)

+ I'm listening to Brahms' Requiem. I love Brahms' Requiem.

Oh, look at how easy it was to write something when ... well, when things started happening again :)

think it cruel but sometimes

I've lost all sense of direction. I don't know what I want, what I want to do, what I want to be, I don't know if I want to stay at the academy of music, I don't know what I want to create, nothing. Mostly I want nothing. I don't talk to friends. I don't know why. I think I want to, but I don't have the strength to make an effort. And so I'm lonely. And I am stuck. And why am I still sick? Why doesn't it get better? Why am I still coughing? Why does my throat still hurt? I can't sing like this! Not that I want to - but I have to.


I cling to these words.

Every now and then life says
Where do you think you're going so fast?
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

(Ron Sexsmith: Gold In Them Hills)

no fun

So I haven't posted in a while. That is because I'm taking a medicine at the moment (long story, but nothing serious) that makes me unhappy. As in, I cry a lot, about the smallest of things, I don't want to leave the apartment and yet I get extremely restless, I cannot think rationally about anything, and it feels like there is nothing in my life but problems and disappointments (it doesn't matter that I know on some level that this is not true - I can't stop those feelings when they decide to take over). I also caught a rather nasty cold. So basically that's why I haven't been blogging.

I'm trying to sit still to let my body do its work and get rid of this cold for me, but I'm restless, so restless. I keep thinking about all the stuff I've had to cancel over the past few days, I keep wondering for how long I will be stuck in this ... It's so difficult to accept the situation, that this is what my life looks like right now and that it's necessary for me, for some reason. I'm planning to read a lot of Keri Smith today and hopefully create something nice to cheer me up (between the coughing attacks). And eat a lot of ice cream.

finally autumn

Autumn is officially here with all the wind, rain, early evening darkness, and beautiful trees. It all smells marvellous, I'm loving every breath.

All of this brings me large amounts of new energy and so next week's theme will be Finding Myself. This includes shutting out all of the "extra" stuff I surround myself with, thoughts and feelings on how I should be, how I should live - most of it coming from the internet. And so, next week will be internet free. Hopefully this will give time for other things, such as books, lunch dates, making phone calls, painting and, if I get rid of this cold, dancing.

Things to look forward to this week:
+ Avishai Cohen concert tomorrow (will be so cool!)
+ Working on Lauridsen's wonderful Lux Aeterna with the choir on Tuesday
+ Going to Dalsland over the weekend to take walks in the forest and spend time with my aunt & uncle

Wish me luck and see you next Sunday!

(Photo from last fall, taken by Linda.)

flying home

I can't help but feeling that this trip has been, well, quite a fiasco. And a very expensive one, too. I am so happy for your sweet and kind comments on my last post, and they made me feel a little better. "Adventure is discomfort in retrospect" ... yes, there are probably loads of things to learn from this trip, even though right now I just want to go home and forget the whole thing.

We did manage to get the best out of these last few days, though. The nausea thing got better ... and instead I got a rather nasty cold. At least it was easier running around the city without being afraid I might throw up (which I never did, but it was still very uncomfortable to think I might). So we took the boat to Ellis Island to go to the immigrant museum which was quite fascinating (seeing as that is quite the height of history they have here), and we went back to the Met for another day because we loved it there, and we went to Guggenheim and saw a brilliant, big exhibition of all of Catherine Opie's work which made me want to learn to photograph. And yesterday was paper shopping day, so now I just want to go home and make stuff.

Flight leaves this afternoon and we'll be home at about noon tomorrow. I'm quite worried. I'm not at all afraid of flying but I have flown with a could once before, when I lived in Lyon, and it was downright horrible. I felt as though my head was going trying to grow rapidly, painfully and in all directions at once (or else just explode). It was quite awful and this time I have a nin hour flight to look forward to. Oh well, wish me luck.

sick & disappointed in new york

I got sick! I can't believe it, I got sick. Like I wrote in my last post, the first days here weren't perfect, but I was really making an effort to not see that and instead see all that is good about New York. And then, while we were at the MoMA (which, by the way, was a huge disappointment even before I got sick - it was pretentious and crowded and the works of art weren't at all placed interestingly) I started feeling week and tired and nauseous (don't know if that is the right word for what I actually mean but it sounds like it on wikipedia) and had to go back to the hostel and lie down. I spent all of yesterday in bed, too. This morning I felt a lot better, and so we went to the free opening of the brand new Museum of Arts and Design (which, of course, was brilliant and very inspiring). But when we had eaten lunch the nausea returned and here I am at the hostel again. I've lied down for a couple of hours and basically I'm fine whenever I'm not moving or eating ... Which makes enjoying New York quite difficult.

I can't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Things could have been so much worse and yet ... I had looked forward so to this vacation, and so far, it's been more of a disaster than anything else. Johan is still in a good mood of course, not at all acting like this is not the vacation we had wanted, because that is his personality. He just accepts circumstances and is happy and at ease anyways (not happy, of course, that I am ill, but he doesn't let it bring him down either, he just takes care of me with a smile instead of being disappointed). As for me, I'm so diappointed I've cried a little and I still can't see what's so great about this big mess of a city.

And what am I to write on postcards, and tell people when I get home? I always write loads of postcards, I love sending things in the mail (even though I rarely get anything back). But what am I going to write? "We really loved the Metropolitan Museum or Art, but that's pretty much it"? "I'm sick and this city stinks?"

And why in the world do I care about what other people think about how I feel about New York? Why am I supposed to enjoy this place, so far from home? Why do I feel that I have to do what is expected of me, and why is it expected of me?

Why?