sick & disappointed in new york

I got sick! I can't believe it, I got sick. Like I wrote in my last post, the first days here weren't perfect, but I was really making an effort to not see that and instead see all that is good about New York. And then, while we were at the MoMA (which, by the way, was a huge disappointment even before I got sick - it was pretentious and crowded and the works of art weren't at all placed interestingly) I started feeling week and tired and nauseous (don't know if that is the right word for what I actually mean but it sounds like it on wikipedia) and had to go back to the hostel and lie down. I spent all of yesterday in bed, too. This morning I felt a lot better, and so we went to the free opening of the brand new Museum of Arts and Design (which, of course, was brilliant and very inspiring). But when we had eaten lunch the nausea returned and here I am at the hostel again. I've lied down for a couple of hours and basically I'm fine whenever I'm not moving or eating ... Which makes enjoying New York quite difficult.

I can't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Things could have been so much worse and yet ... I had looked forward so to this vacation, and so far, it's been more of a disaster than anything else. Johan is still in a good mood of course, not at all acting like this is not the vacation we had wanted, because that is his personality. He just accepts circumstances and is happy and at ease anyways (not happy, of course, that I am ill, but he doesn't let it bring him down either, he just takes care of me with a smile instead of being disappointed). As for me, I'm so diappointed I've cried a little and I still can't see what's so great about this big mess of a city.

And what am I to write on postcards, and tell people when I get home? I always write loads of postcards, I love sending things in the mail (even though I rarely get anything back). But what am I going to write? "We really loved the Metropolitan Museum or Art, but that's pretty much it"? "I'm sick and this city stinks?"

And why in the world do I care about what other people think about how I feel about New York? Why am I supposed to enjoy this place, so far from home? Why do I feel that I have to do what is expected of me, and why is it expected of me?

Why?

overwhelmed

Three and a half days in New York, and so far, the word that best describes it all is overwhelming.

These first days have been weird. I have never flew this far before and I had no idea what jetlag would be like. It has given me headache everyday and several times a day I just turn incredibly tired, so tired that I feel that I need to sleep RIGHT NOW or else! And then after a while it passes ... until it comes back.

That, in combination with the craziness that is New York, has made life a little difficult around here. I feel like such a middle class ordinary small town girl from a small insignificant country when I say this, but I've spent a lot of time wondering how on earth someone would ever want to live here. How do they stand the stench, to begin with? The whole city is stinking of garbage and traffic and urine and bad greasy Chinese food. Yesterday we figured out that if you're born here, or in some other big city, you wouldn't know what real air smells like, and then you can't miss it. But still ...

That isn't the worst, though. No, it's the stress that's getting to me. I'm a calm, slow kind of girl, and I can't handle this mess. I guess if you are the "fast lane" kind of person this is all lovely, but I'm lost. People are running, screaming, honking, yelling, stressing. Two days ago we were crossing the street when we were clearly allowed to (the sign was on the white walking person, not on the big red hand), and suddenly a police started yelling at us for walking to slowly. I'm not used to that kind of treatment! I'm not used to bus drivers screaming at me either, or that people who work in stores don't even look up when I buy something (that goes, I've noticed, for food stores, clothing stores and paper stores alike). Everything in this city is about money. EVERYTHING. It scares me.

Anyways ... the jetlag thing is getting better, and slowly I'm getting used to the tempo around here. Not that I'm adjusting to it, more like I'm able to say to myself "these people are stressed out, but you don't have to be. You can be calm." and it's beginning to work. Yay! So I'm thinking that when I write next, I'll be a lot more cheerful and can see all the good sides of New York, too.

Good things discovered so far: Juice bars, Paper Presentation (I died a little in there ... or maybe it was my wallet), the Phantom of the Opera, the Metopolitan Museum of Art, Central Park. The Met was fantastic. As soon as I got in there, I felt safe, almost at home, even though I'd never been there, Art museums do that to me. Today I'm hoping to get some more of it as we're heading for the MoMA. Oooh, modern art!

the Weekly Themes

Warning! Very very long post about creativity!

So. The Weekly Themes is something I came up with while sitting on the bus, going home from Linköping a few weeks ago. It was a very long (four hours) and rather dull bus ride and I sat there, thinking about what I can do to keep my creatitivity going when the summer holidays are over, when school and dancing and everything else in the "regular life" starts and there's not much time to create. The problem, for me, isn't really time. There is always time if I just use it well. The problem is, and has been for a couple of years, that I get overwhelmed.

There are so many opportunities and so many things I want to do. When I feel like making something, what should I make? Something in the art journal, a collage, a painting, a scrapbook page, should I take photographs, write a letter, draw something, blog or work with the photo albums? Most of the time (yes, most of the time! Sad but true) I end up not doing any of it. I can't make up my mind, all the thoughts and ideas just keep swirling and I get stuck in front of the computer (flickr, mostly), looking at things instead of making my own.

Looking at what others have made and being inspired by it is wonderful, and I've gotten through many a creative block by seeing what others have created. But I need to remember that looking is not the point. Creating is the point. The best blogs and pages are the ones that make me turn the computer off immediately and go create something myself. It often works that way and I can use flickr and other inspiring places as creative starter. But, if I am already overwhelmed by the amount of ideas in my own head, the extreme amount of brilliant ideas on flickr just makes it all more complicated, and it makes it harder to start creating. Instead I fall into the "oh well I could never create something as brilliant as this anyways" and so I make nothing. Which is weird, because at other times, looking at the very same picture can make me so inspired that I can make stuff for hours, not thinking at all about the outcome.

So, I needed to find a way to focus. To find one idea and stick with it - not for long, just long enough to make something! The idea of weekly themes soon came to mind. A week is long enough to be able to make several things on the subject, but short enough to soon be able to choose a new theme if I realise I'm not too fond of the theme. And as soon as I had that idea, themes started flowing in. I have a about thirtyfive useable ideas, so I could keep this going for a while if I wanted to. :)

I didn't want to tell you until I had been going on for a little while. I usually come up with a great idea, work with it for about a day or two, post about it on the blog, and then someone asks "what happened with this or that project?" and I am forced to answer that I forgot about it, or that something that sounded like more fun came up. I have been quite bad at keeping up with something/ a project/ a journal for longer than a few days. This time I wanted to not tell anyone until I was sure that this is something solid, something that actually works for me. And, since it's been four weeks and I've created like crazy, I think I can say now that it works. :)

So here's how it works. Every Sunday or Monday, I look at my list of possible themes and decide which one I feel most drawn to at the time. My goal is to create at least five things on the theme. (This is not true. The real goal is to create at least three things on the theme. But I always have to set myself a higher number, to allow some space for "failure". If I for some reason really had to make five things a week, I would have to tell myself "I need to make eight things a week!". That is why I keep telling myself I need to go to the gym three times a week, so that I actually go there two times a week.) Then, every time I feel like creating something, I stick to the theme. Because of I let thoughts wander off, I won't make anything at all.

And that's the whole thing. Easy, huh?!

So now that I've made this official, I thought I might start posting about it on the blog. The new theme will come up on the blog on Sunday or Monday (depending on when I am home/ have time) and the things created will be shown, if I feel like it, sometime during the weekend or on Monday (depending on when I am home/ have time). Feel free to cheer me on during the week, create your own weekly themes, or join in on mine!

(My weekly themes include all kinds of stuff that I usually work with and am drawn to, like work in my art journal, photography themes and scrapbooking ideas. But there are also some that are quite new to me, like drawing (I want to learn!) and researching. And I am sure I will keep coming up with new themes all the time. Quite a few are, of course, music related, including making stuff with lyrics and feelings about music.)

So well, here's how I've done so far:

1. My first theme (week 35) was mini books. I've been intrigued by them for a while ( a couple of examples if you are as new to the subject as I was: I Feel by staceyfike, right now by Elise Blaha and old soul by candimandi) but never got around to starting, thinking something like "but what would I do with them? Where would I keep them?". But then I thought of how lovely it would be to have a whole shoebox (I like shoeboxes! Prefect size for everything) (nicely decorated of course) full of minibooks, to just pick one at random and look through. And to get a whole box, you have to start somewhere. I started two minibooks during the first week, and finished them and made a third during second week, so I'm going to consider that theme a success. I've shown two of them in the blog already, here and here.

2. My second theme (week 36) was drawing buildings. But then I got a muscle inflammation and had to stay inside for the most of the week, so I changed it to "drawing things in the studio", including the old tin can that holds my boyfriend's pens, my photo printer and a plate of cookies. Won't show any of these though. I'm so new to drawing and - well, I'm often very happy with my drawings no matter how little they look like what I was trying to draw, because drawing makes me calm and focused, and record a piece of my day. But if I were to show them online, I would immediately compare them to other people's drawings, see that they are "bad" and feel bad about even trying, and I really don't want that. I've had enough problems with that concerning my collages already. Maybe I'll show you something later, if I draw something that I am VERY proud of - so proud that I don't feel the need to berate myself for drawing badly.

3. Third theme (week 37) was sending things in the mail week. So many friends have left town this semester, and I had neglected writing to others, too, for way too long. I wrote three letters and sent one gift so I'll have to say this one was a success.

4. My fourth week, this week, was (is) a good week, because I really felt the need for weekly themes. I didn't choose one, I couldn't make up my mind which one I felt like the most, and so almost the whole week went on without creating. and the problems I discussed above - about wanting to create but ending up not doing anything because I get overwhelmed with choicing - were back in an instant. This proves how I really NEED to decide on a weekly theme and STICK TO IT. I know that for some people this would be way too rigid.

And for weeks five and six I am going to 1. Draw and 2. Make a "minibook on the road" (or some other kind of gluesticked project). Because tomorrow at half past eight in the morning the boyfriend and I are leaving for New York. I think I'm going to be able to post from New York but if not, see you in two weeks! :)

"random travels" minibook

When I made my first minibook, I used leftover paper scraps from the scrap box, and printed photos of friends. This time I wanted to use leftover photos instead, and see what I could make of them. So I looked in the box of leftover photos (photos not good enough to put in my ordinary photo albums) and decided that the theme of the book would have to be "random travels" (blandade resor) bevause most of the photos were from travels. And then I made the minibook. Very easy and fun and now the leftover photos have a better home.




(The mini book is 6x6" - yes, I dislike that I've started to use inches as a measurement, but it's just because the patterned papers that I'm so fond of come in 12x12 inches, and I cut white ones up in four and used as backgrounds. 6x6" is a little easier to handle than 15.24, since my ruler shows both. The photos look a little askew but they are all really 3x3".)



In other news, I think I've mentioned it, but anyways, the boyfriend and I are going to New York on Monday. So if you have any New York suggestions, just bring them on! We're grateful for any and all ideas.

my boyfriend cooks all our meals

It's great reading a lot of American blogs, because my English gets better. But there are some weird things that I still haven't quite understood about some blogs: the way the bloggers keep writing stuff like "I really have the sweetest husband, he irons his own clothes" or "I am so thankful that he never complains about what I cook for dinner". This is so very weird to me. In my book, things would go something along the lines of "I really have the sweetest boyfriend, he cooks all our meals". Now that is sweet for real. How can it be sweet to just refrain from complaining about someone else's cooking? Have him cook his own meals!

Well ... I'm not saying you should change if that's how you want to live your lives. And I am aware that many couples share the workload so that one person does the cooking and one the cleaning (or something like that), which is, of course, brilliant. I was just wondering how the whole "I do all the work and my husband is the sweetest person if he once and a while lifts one finger to help" works. I would not stay ONE DAY. Just so you know.

- - -

Anyways. I intended to go dancing tonight, but I feel rather tired and not in the mood (and also my back is aching again), so I decided not to. Which was probably a bad decision, because it often feels better once I'm there ... It's just that when I feel like this it's so darn hard to push me out of my chair and go anywhere at all, let alone to a place full of people that I'm supposed to socialize with. So right I', just sitting here feeling a little sorry for myself. And uploading some more photos from around the apartment.

calm day

Calm day, and almost unbelievably beautiful. This is my favorite season even when it's raining for weeks (which it does in this town); when the air is like this, crisp and clear, almost cleansing, I can only laugh, jump and enjoy it.

I took the photo on my way home from church. I left early, the sermon was really way too long and uninteresting. I bought some candy and waited for the boyfriend in the sun instead. There was a lot more of the Lord for me outside today, than inside. I think that is more often the case than we are aware of.

And here are a couple of recent pages. The first one happened all by itself. I listened to the song (Coming Up for Air by Patty Larkin) on repeat, and felt I had to do something with it. I love it when music and art collides like that ... Since they really the same thing.

that I really love singing

Good things have been happening!

On Wednesday, we had the yearly audition for people who want to have singing lessons (those we pick get ten lessons from one of us for free - we get someone to practice on, who knows that we are only students and will make mistakes). We (the singing teacher students) listened to about thirty different people, with different voices, who revealed different personalities.

And it reminded me in such a powerful way of what Högskolan för Scen och Musik i Göteborg is so good at making me forget: that I love teaching singing. I listened to people and I can hear why it hurts when they sing or why they can't sing this or that song like they would want to, and I know (or can give it a good guess) what kind of exercises might help solve the problem. The human voice is so inspiring and fascinating to me, I love, love listening to other people's voices. (Speaking of which, it makes me so happy remenbering this - that the very first thing I even noticed about the man who would become my boyfriend was his beautiful, melodic voice. It figures.)

And then, right there, suddenly I knew that not only am I a very good singer; I really will be a great singing teacher. Those facts drowns so easily under other things ... pressure, stress and competition ... all the things I'm not good at ... But you know what, my passion for singing breaks through all of it. Some days.

The day after that, I had my next classical singing lesson and my teacher immediately heard that I had gotten the joy in music back. She head it after one phrase. That is what singing does. It reveals everything to those who listen closely enough.

In the wake of all this, I have taken a couple of photographs (they're just from around the apartment, but I like them just the same, it was so nice wanting to take up the camera again), written a letter to a dear friend, and spent the whole afternoon relaxing after a very busy week. Tomorrow the boyfriend and I are going to see Wall-E, can't help but being a little excited. And then it's one week until New York. :)

I've had loads of time in the last few days and thought I'd post something, but I couldn't think of anything even the slightest funny, interesting or beautiful to show or write about. It's like my life is on hold for reasons I do not know and certainly do not understand. Don't get me wrong, I know that life sometimes needs to be on hold ... or that it can feel like it sometimes, even though things are bubbling underneath ... But I've had my life on hold for THREE MONTHS during summer, and I am getting bored.

I was fine with the fact that nothing happened and that I was doing nothing, because I accepted that I needed a break. Spring semester was just too tough. But now I am completely rested. I have slept for ages, I had very little on the to do-lists, I was ready. I had been waiting for everything to start for weeks. And now everything's started and it's ... just no fun. Nothing's fun.

I miss my old self. I used to be extremely interested in everything, seeing nice things everywhere. Now all I want to do is listen to Harry Potter audio books and play chain factor. (I stole a photo from the boyfriend (it's the view from the balcony), because I like blog posts with pictures in them. Need I say I'm not taking any photos at the moment?)

Any suggestions?

Just Something Like Time

It is seven AM on Saturday morning. I woke up early like I always do when I don't have to and now I am getting a little bored. So ...

+ ... I let Wordle create this cloud of words most often used in this blog. Must admit I really like the results. Except I noticed that Jesus isn't in there. That's embarrassing. Important part of my life missing. (No, I'm not intending to start preaching in the blog. Others do that a lot better than me. But mentioning now and then that God has saved me forever and still does every day couldn't hurt.)

+ ... I've made a list of blogs I read to the right. The reason I haven't done so before is because I didn't know how to sort them all. Some are my friends, people I love; some are people I know a little bit, some I have never met and probably never will; some write about scrapbooking, some post lovely photos, some write about there life and dreams. How do I sort all that out in categories? Answer: I don't. I choose the ones that I read most often, and I let them sort themselves, in order of latest updated. Quite reasonable, I should think. So look to the right if you need some inspiration. There are good stuff there of all kinds.

+ ... I'm loving that it's raining hard outside. This week was not at all how I had intended to start my new semester at school. Partly because I haven't been there much because of this muscle inflammation thing, partly because I intended to be very happy and full of inspiration and instead I feel empty and lifeless without knowing why. But (thanks to Camilla) I'm thinking that I may just have to go with it until it passes. I firmly believe that it will pass. And until it does, I may as well stay in the apartment and be thoroughly boring. And rain helps when you want to stay inside. So today I'm grateful for the rain.

people I like

Feeling a bit better today (thanks to Voltaren and Orudis), but still chained to the apartment. Went grocery shopping yesterday (one has to eat after all) which made it worse, so today I'm staying inside. But I'm a lot more moveable, so I've finished a little mini album, with randomly chosen photos of people I like. It's called "Folk jag gillar" quite simply. I wanted to make something using only scrap papers as the base, and this is the result. There is a little bit of white acrylic paint in there too and black and white pens. (There is a larger version on my flickr page if you want to see it close up.)

maybe I've just got the blues

It seems I have some kind of muscle inflammation. Or something. Because it hurts. It's like the muscle ache I get when I have a cold, but worse, without the cold, and in larger parts of me (shoulders, neck, back, jaws and hips aching so far). Along with feelings described in my last post, all this means that right now not much fun is happening.

So well, I haven't taken any pictures lately. I spend my time feeling very sorry for myself, eat a lot of cookies, and watch Pride and Prejudice. And, posting old creations (since I'm not making anything new at the moment). I made these scrapbook pages during the creative retreat with Karin the other week. They are both about a trip to Damascus, Syria in 2005. I felt I needed to go a little bit crazy with patterned papers on the first one, and decided I quite like it.

Then I didn't wonder why I made things ... I just started, and enjoyed it. And now I don't know ... Maybe I've just got the blues. Or something.

And then there are the days when I just want to ask Why? Why do I go to school? Why do I sing? Why do I leave the house? Why do I create art? What's the use? Why do I call friends and ask for a fika when it only makes them feel more stressed? Why do I take photos, and later spend loads of time putting them in albums? Why do I try to think of different things to eat for dinner every day? Why do I bother to wear something that is not sweatpants? Why do I blog? Why do I take dance classes? Why do I buy patterned paper? Why do I teach dance classes? Why do I want to make new friends when everyone has so many friends taking up their time already? Why do I even try to bring something new and unique into the world? Why do I make collages? Why do I work out? Why do I write letters? Why do I struggle with exercises to make my back stronger when it makes the pain worse? Why bother, when I can just lay on the couch and watch the days go by, and not ever waste any more energy at all?

A weekend with the chamber choir, Härlanda kammarkör. We sang for hours and hours and it felt surprisingly easy, considering my very how long it's been since we last practiced (before summer). In the evenings we had delicious food and a great time together. I'm blessed to sing in such a lovely, fun choir. (And just look at our adorable tenors below! :))