As promised: some photos from the weekend before last, a weekend spent with dear friends.



Slow Saturday with Lisa and Hanna. First we went thrifting (and gave away an old lamp that I'm not as fond of anymore, and since I moved I just don't have room for it), then watched a movie. I can't even tell you how good it is to live in the same building as your two best friends, everything is casual, flowing.



Preparing a Sunday dinner with Andreas and (another) Hanna, two friends from high school that I occasionally meet up with, and it's always good and fun.

The view from my kitchen window, and trees in blossom at Järntorget during a short morning walk today.

It's like I've been some sort of mentally under the weather for weeks, maybe months, and now I'm finally coming back to myself again. I've been laughing today, out of pure unexplicable (the best kind) joy! It must be spring.

(Photos from these past few weeks - there aren't many, because I rarely take pictures when I'm low, but at least a few - will be up tomorrow. Right now I'm off to bed. Good night!)

A while ago I started to look through pictures from last year, the first year with my new camera. Here's the next part of the series: Five photos from February. (Here's January.)

So I was invited to this party, and I had been looking forward to it, I knew there would be nice people (most of which I don't know, and a few of which I know a little). And I haven't been to a decent party in ages, and I had come home from work and eaten my dinner and should be getting ready to go, but instead I found myself procrastinating in front of the computer. What? Why am I not already on my way? Why am I stuck here?

And then I suddenly caught myself thinking: What would I talk to people about? You see, I tend to always answer the truth when people ask me how I'm doing or what's happening in my life. And I couldn't see myself telling people I've never met before the truth about how I'm feeling in my life right now; neither could I muster the energy to spend the whole evening saying everything's fine.

So I decided not to go. Instead I went downstairs, where I knew Lisa and Hanna would be watching a movie (because they had been up in my room thirty minutes earlier to invite me), and then I spent the evening with them: laughing a great deal, watching a great (to my astonishment, it sure didn't look like it from the cover) movie, and talking about life in general and low-ness in particular. Because they are the bestest of best friends and they will remain so no matter how ugly, low, uninteresting or un-creative I may feel.

(Yes, I am a paper addict. I can spend a lot of money on paper and stationary, paper that I have no idea what I'm going to do with - I just like to go looking at paper, choosing, buying some, and then looking at it at home (and of course, occasionally making something from it. I really love paper.)

Also:
+ the boyfriend is in Ukraine for ten days. Stupid idea. I like everything better when he's here.

+ when I was in high school, I was so afraid of loneliness that I could start to cry if I didn't have friends to spend and evening with. For this easter, I was prepared to be calm, quiet and alone, and all of a sudden friends called me to say "I'm coming home for Easter and I miss you, do you want to see me?". So weird how they have always been there, caring for me, and how I never managed to see it, like I do now. I am so grateful for them.

+ I'm slowly getting used to my new apartment. I will like it, eventually. And yes, it is quite practical to live in the middle of Göteborg. It takes ten minutes to everywhere.

+ still no joy in music, still no collaging. I have started writing letters again though! Always something, I guess, although I miss my creativity the way it was, constantly flowing, never ceasing to surprise me with new energy and happiness in the work I was doing. (Let me know if you're a fan of letter-writing, we could work something out :))

Some more vacation photos. This is one hard vacation to come home from, I tell you, seeing as I haven't really got anything to come home to - still haven't finished cleaning up my new apartment from the guy I rent it from, and so there are boxes and bags everywhere and everything is still, well, a mess.

But it's been a great week and I intend to live on it for a long while.

Vacation

This would NEVER happen in my own family. All of the family members sitting in a living room. Some are reading, someone's trying to fix a problem with the laptop, someone's just thinking. It is silent. Everything is safe. Now and then, someone says something about the book they're reading, about the computer problem that's being solved, or about the delicious coffee beans dipped in chocolate that were bought yesterday and that we're now sharing.

If it were my family, the silence wouldn't be this comforting; someone would speak of what haven't been done or what's to be done tomorrow; someone would come up with something to discuss (or argue about). Come to think of it, if it were my family, this would never happen. We don't spend time together doing nothing. We're not calm enough.

I'm on vacation with the boyfriend and his family. I'm learning to ski, slowly becoming more and more comfortable with those mysterious things attached to my feet. I was extremely scared at first (and all the way in the car to get here (that's a ten hour ride) I kept thinking (and saying) "I will die! And break both my legs!"), but the boyfriend with his enormous amount of patience and - I'm beginning to realise - love for me, just kept comforting me and saying "I won't leave you. I'll be right behind. I'll help" until everything felt better. I began to thoroughly enjoy this whole skiing thing after only a few hours. I sprained my thumb today (by falling on it - yes, it must have looked as silly as it sounds), but not too badly, it's a bit swollen, that's all.

My muscles are tired. I'm slowly relaxing, letting go of all the school stuff, choosing not to think of what awaits me at home. I'll deal with that later. For now, I'm skiing. I'm going to sleep early and waking up rested. I'm eating good food, reading ("Equal Rites" by Terry Pratchett, which is a fabulous fairy tale to enjoy on snowy evenings like these in a cottage like this), and growing more and more in love with the boyfriend for every minute - yes, I can feel it, tangible, growing in me as I look at him, how I love him more now than two seconds ago. And it's not stopping.

This past week has been a MESS.

I moved on Saturday, cleaned my old apartment on Sunday and Monday, just to arrive on late Monday afternoon to my new apartment (which is about half the size of my old one, so the room is filled to the brim with furniture, boxes and things) just to realise that the person I'm renting from hadn't cleaned it properly, so I had to clean that apartment, too. I'm still not done. And Friday, I'm leaving to go skiing with the boyfriend and his family. Not easy to pack bags for a trip when you have no idea in which box your things are. (I know, I know - I should have marked them. But I didn't know I wouldn't be able to pack things up immediately).

On top of this, things in school - or rather, my feelings about going there - have been getting worse. I'm right now in survival mode, focusing only on making it through until summer. Meaning, I'm singing horribly, skipping loads of classes, and in general not at all being the perfect music student I have been, and had intended to be. I don't know what else to say about it right now. My plans for this fall, so far, is to take some sort of half-time class at the university (English maybe, I don't know yet) and sleep and fill pages in my art journal for the rest of the time. That's all I really want. Sleep, and fill pages with colors. Thankfully I have some money saved up, that I can live on for at least a little while.

As you can see, not much time or peace to blog ...

The boyfriend, though, is taking good care of me. I'm staying here until I'm done cleaning and unpacking - it's just depressing to be down in my new apartment now, with all the mess. Mess just isn't what I need in my life right now. To pull through with school and everything that must be done, I need a place to stay which is peaceful and organized and just plain nice, so I can feel safe somewhere. Right now the only place where I feel completely safe and at ease is in the boyfriend's arms at night.

I am homesick for my old apartment. Pictures on top are from last March. It is now exactly a year since I moved in. I felt at home there immediately. When will I feel at home in Vasastan?

Ever since New Year's I've been wanting to do some sort of photographic summary of that first year with my new camera, but I've had neither time nor inspiration to start it. Now I find myself, surprisingly enough, having a little bit of both. So I intend to share with you some of my favorite photos from last year.

So well, introducing: January 2007.

I have my pratical training in Kungälv, where I follow a singing teacher at a high school. I'm the one or two days a week, and I always leave the place tired (sometimes completely worn out and ready for bed at half past four in the afternoon), happy and inspired. She is an amazing teacher and I learn so much from her!

If the weather is nice, I take a walk along Östra Gatan afterwards. I love these little houses (continuing Sunday's house theme), and I love reading the sings that tells me who lived there in the 17th or 18th century. It's so nice to walk here.

different rains

The light has been marvellous today. It's as if the weather haven't been able to make up its mind; it's been raining, then some rays of light, then both at the same time, and all the time a stubborn, playful wind.

It happens that people (even I, on occasion) tire of the Göteborg weather, and I can understand that. What I don't understand is how they can say that it's always the same. It is not ever the same. There are thousands of different rains, and many of them are shimmering and immensely beautiful. Days here are often grey, but it is a living grey that makes a perfect background to any other color, it makes everything brighter, like the intense blue and red above. It has been a good day indeed.



Here's a picture of two of my best friends, the boyfriend and my monster (I bought him just recently, I just couldn't resist. Do you see how big he actually is?). They are both sitting behind me in my armchair right now as I write this. Life is nice.

to dress more like Rainbow Brite

A few days ago, I talked with some friends about what were our favorite TV series when we were younger. Mine are easy: Rainbow Brite and Jem and the Holograms. I haven't thought about any of them in a long while, but now they they were there, I suddenly felt an urge to see them again. I had to struggle a little to get to see them already as a child: they aired on channels we didn't have, so I watched them at friends' places and such. I had the first episodes of Jem and the Holograms on video, and watched them over and over (I still know many of the songs by heart).

But that tape is long since gone, so I've had to turn to YouTube. I haven't had much time to see it, but the little I've seen (of Rainbow Brite so far, since the memory of that is so much more distant) is making me childishly happy and giddy.

And I can't help but thinking; Rainbow Brite is about a little girl who wants to give more and brighter colors to the world, and Jem and the Holograms about a girl who wants to sing and make music. Dang it did I choose my path that early?! :)

So well, I decided to try and dress more like Rainbow Brite. Not just "today I'm wearing two shades of red and some blue", more like ... "today I'm wearing green, yellow, blue, red, white, brown and some pink". My wardrobe is full of color, this shouldn't be too difficult. I love color too much not to wear it every day! The photo below is from yesterday, Johan took it as we were walking to church.



+ scarf: åhléns
+ green jacket: vila
+ red jacket: ginatricot
+ mittens: gift from my mother
+ dress: h&m
+ bag: made from an IKEA fabric
+ pants: topshop
+ socks: knitted by my mother
+ shoes: cheapo

In the first episode, Rainbow Brite says her quest is to bring color and happiness to the world. Well, so is mine. :)

dreams of a little beautiful house

The boyfriend and I took a walk through Änggårdskolonin today, enjoying looking at all these lovely houses. I could so do this: grow old and live in an apartment somewhere nice in Göteborg (like Guldheden, where we live now, and both love) and have a little cottage like one of these, to spend summer evenings Sunday afternoons and what not. It's in the middle of Göteborg and yet it's another world.

That last house is my favorite. We'd have one just like that, and our apartment would be somewhere nearby so we could walk there on warm evenings. I'd have a studio, with big beautiful windows and lovely light, to make my collages in, and Johan would sit with one of his most beloved books and jazz records, and we'd drink lemonade in the garden.

choir & calm

Rehearsal with the chamber choir all day. We rehearse in a church, and the acoustics are amazing. I'm still not too fond of the Johannes Passion though. I'm finding Bach a bit boring. But I like my choir, and today was the best so far with this piece, so it was nice anyways.



I spent the evening with the boyfriend. There was a big lindy party going on and I went there, only to go back home after about three dances. My back hurt too much, which usually makes me so sad and bitter that there's no use in staying. The boyfriend hugged me an fed me chocolate muffins until I felt a bit better.

beautiful light

Things feel a little bit better now. I just want to tell you that so it won't sound like everything is completely dark, because really, it isn't; bright things still happen, although more seldom, or although I am so tired of the situation that I have a hard time seeing them.

However, today I had the most lovely chamber music lesson. We, a flute player and a guitarist and me, had our very first lesson with this new constellation (we change ensembles every semester) today and our teacher is just amazing. He asked me how I was feeling, I told him a little bit about how my life feels right now, and then he worked the whole lesson (90 minutes) to make me feel comfortable in the music, so that we would really make music. It made me happy, truly happy, to sing today.



On my way home I saw this amazing light at Korsvägen. It had been raining all day and then suddenly, just a few rays of sunlight made my world this spectacular. Those things can really make my day. And then I've spent the whole evening with the boyfriend, making chocolate muffins and playing Carcassonne. Today has been the simple life I've been craving and I can only hope it will last for a little while, so I can rest.

I suddenly felt an urge to tell you what's been going on, which is a ridiculously bad idea since I should be off to school in about five minutes, but well, here goes.

I am completely worn out. Last semester at school was, like you've seen if you've been reading here, extremely busy, and the only way I managed to pull through with the high demands on me (from me, my teachers and the school mentality in general) was by thinking "this is the worst semester of the entire education. Everyone says that. It will by over soon. Come January, everything will be easier and I'll have time left to do what I truly love again".

But after the Christmas break, about one week into the spring semester, I was there again. I still felt the pressure, the demands, and there was no time whatsoever to relax, make collages, read, take long walks outdoors, even spend time with friends. I felt (still feel like) all I did was being at school, practising, going back and forth on the tram, and trying to take care of all the practical details of a life (doing the dishes, getting something to eat, talking to the boyfriend, getting some sleep).

So, I've come to realise that I need to take a break from school. It is not music that is the problem, but the mentality at school (nothing is ever good enough - you are never good enough - always keep working to get better - never relax in what you already have and are - keep struggling, keep struggling, keep trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough) has slowly crept inside of me and is now crawling in me like a strange creature that I certainly didn't invite, and it's eating my musical joy, more of it every day. There is almost nothing left of it now. Yesterday I managed to gather enough musical joy to enjoy rehearsing with my jazz ensemble - but then, my jazz ensemble has nothing to do with school, it's just for fun ...

There is no solution to this. I will take a break in September (I would have wanted to leave immediately, but that's not really possible). But how I'll stand it through these three months before summer break, and what in the world I will do to make a living come September, I do not know. People take a break from school to work a year, but something's telling me that a year at ICA Maxi won't really make me happy, either ... Because the only thing I want to do is DO NOTHING. I daydream about doing nothing.

And I dream about wanting to make collages again. I haven't made anything with my own hands since August, did you know that? And I miss it. But since my collages started becoming popular over at Flickr, I can't even make collages without thinking about what others will think of them ... without preparing to be judged. Yes, I know that nothing's forcing me to put them on Flickr if I make any, or show them to anyone at all, but the attention I got was like a drug, something I got used to and started craving ... And when the pressure of that - the thoughts about whether others would like my collages or not - became too much for me, I stopped making collages, because they took more energy from me than they gave, which has never been the case before.

I don't go to the lindy hop social nights, either. I don't feel like it.

Okay, I really have to go to school now. I have to force myself. I don't go to all my classes. All I want is lay still in my bed, eat muffins and ice cream and watch cheesy movies. I don't even want to listen to music.

I don't even want to listen to music - I do it, but out of habit and to not feel lonely. To think there were days when I couldn't wait to get home to listen to a certain CD! To think there were days when I longed to practise, to work with my voice and piano playing! And since music is my everything, now that I'm losing it, I have nothing left.I am completely lost. And tired, so tired.

Just a quick note to tell you that I'm hosting this swap over at swap-bot. If you save leftovers and scrap papers and magazine clippings and other nice pieces of papers, and would like to get three surprise packages with parts of someone else's collection, make sure to join in the swap. I've received the most lovely pieces of paper in this kind of swaps before. Last day to sign up for the swap is March 5 and the packages must me sent by March 19th.

I need to calm down. I need time to create. I need to feel that I'm good at doing what I really love doing. I need time. I need to stop focusing on what others will think. I need time to let things sink in and grow slowly. I need to find that true joy in music that has seemed lost lately.

I need to get out of here.

First real day at school and I feel strangely lost. Is this what I am doing with my life? Singing teacher? why? Will it make me happy? Is it what I have longed for? (Yes!) Is it what I long for today? And if not, why this sudden change? What has happened during this winter month?

I am sure it is something that will pass, but it is scary nevertheless. This is a scary place, you have to fight your way here, and if you don't make friends, if you are not popular, you will have no oppurtunity to sing ... I cannot doubt myself, if I do, I will be left behind.

I am in doubt.

Just a short note to tell you everything is allright, no, everything is much better than allright: I am almost ridiculously in love, so that nothing else really seems to matter, and I feel like I could drown in something warm and fuzzy that moved into my apartment with Johan. Who doesn't really live here, of course, but three floors down isn't really that big a difference from here.

- - -

Have been thinking I'll start putting the wardrobe_remix photos here, too, as well as on flickr. Another benefit of having a boyfriend: there is someone who doesn't tire of taking pictures of me ... And who has exactly the same camera that I had before it broke :)



Here is a picture from a few days ago. I'm starting to get a little tired of this grey weather ... We've had almost no snow at all and now we can look forward to at least two, maybe three more months of grey rain, mist and chilly winds. Lucky I have my strawberry hat. I seriously love it and hope I'll never lose it (cross your fingers for me, because I'm a master of coming home without mittens and hats and scarfs and stuff with no clue of where I left/ dropped them).

+ strawberry hat: had it since I was little
+ mittens: birthday gift from hanna & lisa
+ coat: h&m
+ scarf: handed down from my grandmother
+ sweater: handed down from my brother
+ pants: topshop
+ shoes: cheapo, bought at shock

Declaring 2007 complete ... (as suggested by Andrea Scher in her blog)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
I completed my first year at the Academy of Music. I am proud that I did not give up even when I felt like I am the worst singer on the planet and that I could never make a living of my singing. I am proud that I did not let others push me into a choice that I do not want; the choice between genres. I am proud that I keep figthing to be both a classical and a jazz singer.

More than that I am proud that I have come so far in understanding that I don't need _many_ friends but _good_ friends. I am proud that I have so much love to give to my dear friends and that I done my very best in nurturing my relationships during this year, also when there was little time.


2. What is there to grieve about 2007? What was scary? What can you forgive yourself for?
I forgive myself for singing badly and for thinking that I don't work hard enough. I allow myself to feel that I did my best. I forgive myself also for not succeeding in this, sometimes; I am not a bad person when I feel like I am the worst singer in the world, I don't have to feel guilty or be ashamed of my low self-esteem. I forgive myself for having complained to friends about how bad I am and how little I deserve my place at the Academy of Music.

I forgive myself for letting the whole summer pass without doing the musical theory assignments (and for still not having done them). I forgive myself for feeling that I didn't do a thing the whole summer. I forgive myself for not being creative, and for feeling that I HAVE TO be creative all the time to be loveable. I do not have to listen to people who claim that people who don't have a summer job and/ or travel a lot are lazy, uncreative and a waste of space ... and I forgive myself for feeling bad about it, too.

The last few months of 2007 was scary, because I had too little time for my friends, for myself and for my true musical joy. I intend to not let this happen again, but I can forgive myself for living that life without stopping myself from wanting to do too much too fast.

I grieve that I haven't been inspired to make collages. I grieve that the musical studies made me so busy that I had little or no time to make friends at school.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
2007 was a good year! A happy year and I intend to look at it as the start of something new, something strong and safe that I will continue to build upon during 2008.
2008 is my year of loving myself completely!

The Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera (there are a few photos in the photo blog) yesterday was simply lovely and wonderful in every aspect. As we stood at the doors afterwards, waiting for everyone (there were about fifteen of my lindy hop friends there), we looked at each other, almost as if we had just woken up from a dream. How could nine hours pass so fast? It could have been fifteen minutes for all I know.

I felt a little bit like Cinderella; is it already over? I had changed into ordinary pants and sweater, as it had begun to snow outside and I didn't want to ruin my dress. My friends looked at me and said "oh ... yes, that is what you look like most days ...", as if they didn't consider the pants and tee shirt-clad Kristin the real one, but rather the Kristin floating around in a red shimmery haze. Because that's what I was, that's what it all was: shimmering. People were staring (admiringly!) at me all night, probably because I am a good dancer (and how I enjoy the waltz and viennese waltz, rumba and foztrot, even the occasional cha-cha; everything is lovely with a good leader, in a ball gown, and with an opera orchestra), but I think it was because I was beautiful, too. It was an amazing feeling.

Today the world is covered in a wet, white blanket. I know Göteborg: this will not stay, the footprints I see from my balcony are already dark, my windows are covered with drops. But as I intend to stay indoors today, enjoying this Sunday with something creative (drinking hot chocolate for example (I wonder if there is any milk on the fourth floor, I've ran out) and working with a photo album which I have neglected for too long), I won't notice. Everything looks white and snowy and soft from up here.

Been intending to link to this amazing photographer for a while, but I've forgotten. I no longer remember where I got the link but I am sure you will love this as much as I do: Jan von Holleben's Dreams of Flying.

2007 was the year of the apartment. I moved in on the 4th of March, but I was asked if I wanted the apartment (and said yes without hesitation) sometime early January, so I spent the first two months dreaming and scheming, getting second hand furniture, planning what photos I wanted on my walls and looking through boxes of mugs and plates I've been saving. I knew I'd be happy here and yet I have been happier here than I could ever imagine. Coming here is coming home, every time, no doubt about it. I've noticed that I actually talk to my apartment like normal people would talk to a cat when they come home: hello dear, how've you been today? Been a good day, hasn't it? My apartment greets me by waiting for me, with calm, like my morning light.

2007 was my first year at the Academy of Music, a year which didn't turn out at all like I had planned - in bad ways and in good ways. I thought it would be easier socially; I thought it would be easier to get to know people and make lots of new musician friends with whom I could sing and play and be happy. Truth is, reality disappointed me a little at first. But after a while I realised that I'm not someone who will network because it's necessary; it's just not my thing to do. The people who know everyone may be more successful, or better musicians, but I will not go out of who I am to be appreciated and/ or popular.

My future as a musician is unsure, but what the hell, I will follow happiness wherever it takes me, and for now, it's keeping me safe and sound right where I am: with one classical pianist, one chamber music ensemble and one jazz ensemble, two choirs, one swing song ensemble and one guitarist. 2007 laid a solid ground for me to stand on, and I know where I want to go: more singing, more different inputs, more inspiration from every kind of music there is, more merging of styles and mixing of genres. More hard work, and more pure, lauging-out-loud musical joy.

2007 was a great dancing year, a year with my first Herräng Dance Camp and a year when I was asked if I wanted to become a lindy teacher - which I now am, with Kristian, who is an amazing dancer. It's been taking a lot of hard work, time and planning, but it's given me a lot more than it cost. During 2007 I went from being a fast learner somewhere in the intermediate area, having danced lindy hop for only a year, to being a dancer who is capable of analyzing my own dance and see all the things I need to work on to become a better dancer. It's a wonderful development and one that I am very grateful for.


And 2008?

I will sing, and I will dance, because it is what I love and it is what my life consists of. Fall was so stressed out that I didn't really get to enjoy my life to the fullest, I can see that now. And why would I live if not to enjoy it, the richness of it? Because it is rich, it is so rich. I intend to be calmer. I have said it before. I need to make it a mantra, impossible to forget or run away from. I need to be calmer.

As for the apartment I will move in two months, not because I want to (what wouldn't I do to stay?!) but because the contract was for a year and not a day more. Things will be harder when I'm back at my parents' place (I'll be staying with them for a couple of months), it will be more difficult to remain calm and happy. But I'll do my best.

I have Johan now, too, and I so look forward to starting this new year with him, to see where life takes us and this relationship that is evolving between us, like a creature of it's own, small and soft, swirling, living - I never looked at a relationship quite this way before, but this time, it really is something in itself, something that I can look at while it grows (and how it grows!), something that happened almost without me knowing it - as if one day I woke up and he was there, next to me, having landed there while I slept, unsuspectingly ... Yes, it still feels like that: when I woke up this morning, it took me a short while to realise that I hadn't been dreaming: that there was someone sleeping right behind my back, holding me very gently in his sleep.

Kväll i min gröna fåtölj. Har läst ut Vill Ha Mer av Katarina Bjärvall, helt sjukt bra och inspirerande; ser redan fram emot att smälta den lite och sedan läsa den igen. Fötterna i blöt - sådär varmt att jag ryser när jag pluppar i fötterna i baljan. Dagboken i knät, och Breakfast at Tiffany's, som jag tyckte det var dags för mig att läsa. Glass i mintgrön skål, till lika delar för att det är så gott och för att lindra svedan i halsen. Pojkvännen min skulle komma upp vid tolv. Jag tar och går och lägger mig så länge. Godnatt!

Back from five days of lindy hop in Stockholm, I've come down with the usual lindy cold. It's just impossible to go to a camp and dance with so many people without catching something, specially since we hardly rest. So right now I feel like a swollen ugly octopus with a sore throat, and a jellyfish where my brain once used to be.

Still, it was worth it. Despite how tired and worn out I was already when I came to Stockholm (Christmas was calm and lovely, but three days wasn't enough to pay for all the stress during autumn), it may have been the best classes I've ever taken. I learned so much! Can't wait to get well so that I can go to a social dance night and try everything new.

I had my best New Year's Eve for years. Lisa and Hanna arranged a dinner for twelve people, and then we went up on a hill from where we saw most of Göteborg, with all the fireworks. Despite my not feeling my best, it was a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have the friends I have. Johan was invited too (I didn't have to lift a finger to arrange that - he was already invited through another friend, how I love it when that happens!) and so he was officially introduced to two of my best friends. I'm so happy everyone seems to like each other.

For now I'm just going to spend a few days being calm, doing nothing, hoping to get well in time for the Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera on Saturday.

Been trying to think of something to write during the whole week, for example something about the boyfriend, or the Christmas break that I have so deserved and that is finally here (since Tuesday), but I don't know, I seem to have spent all my spare time kissing said boyfriend (or laying on his couch listening to Keith Jarrett's Köln Concert and being ... happy) or preparing for Christmas (stuff like getting a tree and decorating it and finding gifts for my family).

What I can say is that it's been a crazy semester. I managed to scrape up the very last of my energy to get all the assignments done - to my great surprise I even took the music history exam! But I'm hoping it will never be like this again. That was not the life I want to live, and I still believe in my own ability to create the life I want. I'm going to do what I can to cut down on things to do and demands from others and myself, not to be this busy and stressed out, come spring.

I intend to spend these three weeks just resting. I want to nurture parts of me that I've neglected for a while (like reading! Listening to music while not doing anything in particular! Practise knitting! Making collages!) ... And I'm not going to sing or play a single note that I don't love.

I'm at my parents house for Christmas (I have my camera with me but forgot the cable, so I can't upload anything for now), and on Wednesday I'm going to Stockholm for the Snowball, which is going to be great. I wish you all a very blessed Christmas.

Heheheheee. För några dagar sedan gick jag med i en Facebook-grupp som heter "Vi som borde öva men fastnar framför YouTube" för att det är ... så klockrent.

Och det är ju en sak när man tittar till exempel på olika körers versioner av Lauridsens O Magnum Mysterium (som nog är ett av de vackraste musikstycken jag har i mitt liv just nu. Och som Härlanda Kammarkör ska göra på Julsång i City i Domkyrkan, tisdag 18 dec kl. 17:45. Det blir fantastiskt, kom och lyssna!). Eller hur olika dirigenter tar sig an Appalachian Spring. Jag får rysningar! Jag menar, sådant är ju ändå godkänd procrastination eftersom det är musikrelaterat och alltså bidrar till vidare musikalisk utveckling. Att titta på sådant som bara är roligt dock, det borde vara förbjudet ...

Här har två finfina:
100 höjdare #18 Björn Skifs glömmer texten
Cat Talking

Jag känner mig ungefär som när Kristoffer och jag en gång för (mycket mycket) länge sedan såg Mickey Blue Eyes på bio och jag skrattade så mycket på det där stället (foggettabaddiit) att folket i bänkraderna till slut började skratta åt mig. Ojojoj, ojojoj.

Här är det klippet förresten. Jag skrattade så mycket när jag såg det nyss att min klasskamrat Andreas som sitter vid datorn mittemot var tvungen att fråga hur det är med mig. Håhåjaja :)

På tal om procrastination, så är det här (blogg- alt. hemsidesuppdaterande) värsta formen, för man kan hålla på hur länge som helst ... Okej Kristin, back to work. My One and Only Love väntar.

Yesterday was such a good day that I woke up all happy and giddy today and had to stay in bed for an extra hour to listen to some seriously good music and just be happy (now that I read it it looks like it doesn't really make sense - I know that most people would associate "I had to stay in bed for a while" with something negative - but it wasn't that I didn't want to get up, it was just ... I had to enjoy the happiness a little before officially starting my day, do you see what I mean?).

Then I had the best singing lesson for weeks (I haven't had any bad lessons lately, but this one was just amazing, I felt like I really evolved), and then I met with my repetitör (I don't have time to look that up; it's a person who work at school who is probably the best piano player ever and with whom I meet now and then to go through some songs) and I got some SERIOUSLY good compliments on my singing. I'm not worried at all about the singing exam on Monday, I just look forward to it, it's marvellous :)

Note to self: only spend time with people who make me a better and more thoughtful person, who make it easier for me to love myself, and with whom I feel completely safe.

Now I have to get back to some songs I'm arranging for trumpet, trombone and saxophone (God Bless the Child, There Will Never Be Another You, Stella by Starlight, Like Someone in Love, Tenderly and Well You Needn't (personally I think we could just erase the years 1950-1980 from jazz history because this modal thinking is SO much more time consuming the the chord thinking ... It's interesting, it's just that I don't have the amount of time right now to do a well planned and working arrangement that I can be proud of. And I don't like creating things that I'm not proud of. But well)). Maybe I should just take Crystal Silence instead of Well You Needn't. Slower is easier to arrange :)

This is the good life.

This week is RIDICULOUSLY busy. Just wanted to say that. I will be posting again after the 18th, because then it's CHRISTMAS. I haven't had time for anything Christmasey yet (except for the yearly, unavoidable baking of gingerbread (ginger snaps? What is the difference?) with Lisa and my mother yesterday), but I have this semester's last exam next Tuesday and after that I intend to do nothing (except going to the Snowball in Stockholm for New Year's). Until the 14th of January! Longest Christmas holiday ever. Yay!

P.S. We have found a new pianist for the jazz ensemble and will play together for the first time on Thursday. Of course, nothing is settled, you never know if you'll work together musically, but I think we all look forward to it quite a bit, and I'm hoping it will work. Happy happy!

Some days, when I feel low and try to make myself feel better, just the simplest of thoughts suffice: this apartment. my friends. lindy hop. singing. and so on.

Other days, I need something more specific. Unfortunately, on those other days, the specific things (an unexpected compliment or surprise. Someone calling to just randomly tell me they love me. Not missing the bus. A party to look forward to. Getting something that I've pushed in front of me for a while, finally done) can be so hard to find.

This is one of those days.

You know, while doing the dishes today, I actually thought "people with boyfriends/girlfriends, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". I soon realised there must be millions of people right now thinking "people with a home/ a family/ parents/ friends/ peace/ an education/ food everyday/ an income/ good health, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". That made me shiver. I have so much, I am so rich, and not only materially.

Some days, I am as happy as I should, because as happy as I "should" is exactly as happy as I can be. I have the possibility of taking in all of the wonderfulness in my life, of breathing it, the happiness. I am very good at happiness, the way I automatically let it float through me. Other days ... What is it with these other days? Why can't I stem these feelings?

The first, say, year or so, after my last disastrous relationship, was wonderful. No one stopping me from what I wanted or deserved. Only me to take care of! But now, I'm getting - I don't know ... It's not desperate, not yet (my friends have promised to warn me if I get too close to desperate. That's just not a fun place to go). But still. I wouldn't mind someone, I woulnd't mind being in love, I really wouldn't, right now. There, I've confessed that. What a weakness.