Some days, when I feel low and try to make myself feel better, just the simplest of thoughts suffice: this apartment. my friends. lindy hop. singing. and so on.

Other days, I need something more specific. Unfortunately, on those other days, the specific things (an unexpected compliment or surprise. Someone calling to just randomly tell me they love me. Not missing the bus. A party to look forward to. Getting something that I've pushed in front of me for a while, finally done) can be so hard to find.

This is one of those days.

You know, while doing the dishes today, I actually thought "people with boyfriends/girlfriends, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". I soon realised there must be millions of people right now thinking "people with a home/ a family/ parents/ friends/ peace/ an education/ food everyday/ an income/ good health, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". That made me shiver. I have so much, I am so rich, and not only materially.

Some days, I am as happy as I should, because as happy as I "should" is exactly as happy as I can be. I have the possibility of taking in all of the wonderfulness in my life, of breathing it, the happiness. I am very good at happiness, the way I automatically let it float through me. Other days ... What is it with these other days? Why can't I stem these feelings?

The first, say, year or so, after my last disastrous relationship, was wonderful. No one stopping me from what I wanted or deserved. Only me to take care of! But now, I'm getting - I don't know ... It's not desperate, not yet (my friends have promised to warn me if I get too close to desperate. That's just not a fun place to go). But still. I wouldn't mind someone, I woulnd't mind being in love, I really wouldn't, right now. There, I've confessed that. What a weakness.

Får man lov att bli intresserad av någon för att han pratar så fin dialekt?

Godis är bra för/ mot allting! Nu äter jag bilar samtidigt som jag reharmoniserar Tune Up. Går skitmycket bättre!

Åh, nej! Jag är på väg in i en "liten svacka". Kallas även "bluffperiod" eftersom den kännetecknas av att man går och väntar på att någon ska upptäcka att man är en bluff, alltså, att något ska ha gått fel; att det inte alls var meningen att man skulle komma in här.

För ja ... för andra verkar det ju så "ååh" och "ooh" att gå på musikhögskolan, musikhögskolan liksom, det låter som att man är så duktig, på musik. Och så går jag här och känner mig dålig. På musik. Jazzarrangering håller vi på med i teorin och jag ligger naturligtvis efter; nu när jag försöker sitta med det känner jag mig som ett frågetecken, lite som att det inte hjälper hur mycket jag än läser instruktionerna, för att jag har missat någonting innan, någon slags musikteoretisk grund, som "alla andra" tycks ha. Och dessa mina stora svagheter inom teorin gör som vanligt att jag undrar varför jag kiom in här egentligen. Varför kom jag in här egentligen? De allra flesta är ju duktiga på antingen gehör eller teori; jag har varken eller. Vad är det jag har?

Jag skulle vilja ha något som är min grej, liksom, något som jag är bra på.

Summan av kardemumman är att just nu känns det som att det måste vara skitenkelt att komma in här eftersom jag kom in, samt vad håller jag egentligen på med? Jag utbildar mig ju ändå till arbetslöshet, det vet vi. Så lite jobb som det finns, så duger det inte att hanka sig fram så som jag gör, och lite halvt (i bästa fall) klara av teoriuppgifterna och kammarmusikuppspelet, man måste vara på topp, på topp måste man vara. Hur ska det bara gå?

This is the morning light I wake up to.

Things that make me happy today:

+ The concert with Härlanda Kammarkör yesterday was heavenly. The church was completely full, there must have been 500 people there! And I think we were great, I really do. I think I might actually love my choir! So many of my sweetest friends were there to listen, and everyone seemed to have truly enjoyed the music (Requiem by Rutter, O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen, Jubilate Deo by Britten and some other works). Oh I can't wait until our next rehearsal, and then Julsång i City, that will be lovely too!

+ The unexpected party that Hanna and I joined Saturday night. It was already late when we got there, and people spoke slowly with soft voices about art and poetry. And I got to try to play the sitar!!! How cool isn't that! It is obviously a very complicated instrument and I barely managed to hold it right, let alone manage to play a whole scale, but it was fun nevertheless ... even though my fingertips hurted afterwards.

+ The invitations to all sorts of Christmas parties and gettogethers that have started to show up.

+ My planning for my Christmas tree :) My mother and I went shopping for some food two days ago, and I figured I may as well buy the tree stand now, so that I won't forget it (ornaments and stuff are more fun to buy, so I don't think I'll forget them as easily).
- Here is one! my mother said.
- But that's to small, a real Christmas tree won't fit in there! I said.
- What, are you going to have a big tree?
- A REAL tree! I said.
Because this may very well be the only time in my life I have this much space (I think could fit five Christmas trees in my apartment if I wanted too) and I WILL have a REAL Christmas tree! :)))

+ Listening to Gene Harris' Summertime and feeling in my whole body how good it is to blues dance to that with someone that I feel very safe with. Must remember to thank Joakim for having taught me most of what I know about counter balance, without which I would never have been the dancer I am now.

+ The folk music concert and party that I attended at Folkmusikcaféet Friday night. The concert with Kraja, a Swedish folk song group of four, was magical. Their voices are so beautiful and their arrangements truly inspirational. After that, Tidig Tisdag played until late, and I learned how to dance polska and schottis and folklig vals and polka and it was just plain fun, I couldn't stop laughing!



And there's more: I have the whole week off!!! :) For several reasons which I won't explain here, we had to move my practical training (I'm not sure that's what it's called? It's when I'm at a music high school (or any other school with singing teachers) with a singing teacher, following everything she or he does, and taking care of some of the singing lessons myself).

I was supposed to have that this week, but it will be in January instead, on my Christmas holiday - which is wonderful. A month off for Christmas is too much for me, I would get restless and long for school to start. Now I have a three week long Christmas holiday (which is the percect length according to me) instead, I'll get a much better practical training than I would have had this week, and I have this whole week off to rest and get some school work done. I love it!

Here's what I intend to do this week:
- Sleep until I wake up every morning.
- Get the music theory assignments done.
- Work some extra hours at the library.
- Sleep some more.
- Practise knitting.
- Play the piano.
And that's it! :)

(And yes, the lost files I talked about the other day, were recovered, with some detective work and some help from the school's computer people. And who knows, I may even let you listen one day or another :))

Logic Express has seriously EATEN my sound files. Anders and I recorded a double bass and voice duet the other week and now that I want to work a little with it, Logic Express is destroying the files before my very eyes. More and more of the sound is disappearing every time I open it and I don't understand what's wrong! AAAAAARGGGHHH. It wasn't a serious recording or anything, not even in a real studio, but it still don't feel like doing it all again. Dagens i-lands, men ja.

At school we have this great little thing called basgrupp. We're divided into small groups of four or five students who meet with a teacher regularly to talk about, well anything, but mostly this fall about how we are coping (or not) with the huge amount of school work. We write journals and send them to the teacher in advance so she knows what we need to talk about in the group.

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about self-esteem and self-confidence. Suddenly our teacher looked at me and said:
- What are you good at?
- I'm good at singing! I said.
And I felt so happy that I had to smile. It was like a gift, like candy, something warm that melted in my mouth, to realise that I had said it out loud, with pride, and not only that: I had said it instinctively, withouth thinking, like something fixed, unstoppable. It was the first thing I thought of.
- And more?
- Uhhm ... Lindy hop!
- And more?
- I'm good at hugging.
- And more?
- Uuuuuhhh ... (Now it became more difficult; I felt more careful, fumbling in a way; trying to say things slower, as if there would be someone or something protesting if I sounded to sure of myself.)
- I'm good at making collages. Making nice notes at lectures ... Paper stuff in general.
- And more?
- Well I - languages, I mean I speak French ... and I guess I'm rather good at English, too ...
- And more?
- ... Uuuuhhmm ... I don't know anything else ... Photographing, maybe, maybe I'm good at that, I don't know ...
- See? You are good at an amazing amount of things, you should be proud of all this!

And she is right. I should be proud! It was such an interesting exercise, to have to spontaneously name all the things I'm good at. The things I love. Because this is obvious; all the things that came to mind are things I love, truly LOVE to do. I should be able to say this without being ashamed: I am good at these things.

There are so many of them, too! I didn't see that as clearly, before. But maybe the part of me that I am the most proud of (apart from my strong and unruly ability to love) is that I'm interested in so many things. (This typography book I have found, have I told you about it? It's beautiful.)

The problem is that in everything I do, I want to be among the best (or I should say, I sometimes want to be the best. I am not always like that). In collages I sometimes feel the need to compete with illustrators, people who draw and collage for a living, people who went to art school. Same in photography. In English I want to be as good as native speakers! (Yes, I can hear how ridiculous this sounds, but I never said there was any logic to my feelings.) And so on and so on.

I'm working on letting go of all these demands, everything I require from myself. I've gotten far from where I started, but there are still things to deal with - of course. Until I'm there I'll just to my best to enjoy all the things I love.

Joanna Newsom | Cosmia

Hanna: - Vilket slarvarsel han är!
Kristin: - Va?
- Ett slarvarsel! Säg med mig nu ... på norrländska. Slarvaschel.
- Slarv ... arsel?
- Aschel!
- Ashel?
- Ssssccccchhhh!
- Shhhh?
- Men längre bak i mun! Scccchhh.
(Jag försöker, Hanna skakar beklagande på huvudet.)
- Men nu tar vi en kurs. Till exempel: "Gu va han ä oschi!"
- Va?
- Gu va han ä oschi!
- Men jag kan ju inte säga något som jag inte vet vad det betyder!
- Men det betyder typ, oschig betyder att man roffar åt sig. Om godis till exempel. Det handlar ofta om mat. Eller ... mat är det enda jag har hört det om. Eller som min mormor sa häromdagen: "Nå intärlehär otängt utti!".
- Men nu skämtar du. Otänkt uti?
- Men uti betyder som "i det här". Alltså, det är inte otänkt i det här, alltså jag har tänkt, på det här.
- Ni är så konstiga däruppe.
- Nähä. Vi är lugna och harmoniska.
- Men det är ju en myt att norrlänningar skulle vara mer harmoniska än vi andra.
- Men jag är skitharmonisk! Eller den här: "Nånojerrhebrao!".
- Som betyder?
- Att det är bra.

This was one of those mornings when you wake up ridiculously happy and giddy and don't know why until you remember that last night was the best dance night in a long while. Oh, I love how it stays in the stomach overnight like that, it's like magic :)

It was Duke's Place, and I usually never have my best dance nights on those occasions. Socially, yes, but dance-wise, no. I always dance better at our ordinary Mondays, when we're just dancing in our own building, in ordinary clothes, nothing fancy. Duke's Place and such - 300+ people, a big band, a much bigger venue, Saturday night, all that - it doesn't work quite as well for me.

But last night was FABULOUS, completely perfect! Kristian and I taught the crash course (about 150 people who had never danced lindy before - quite amazing) and from there I just ... I don't know, kept on going? We got so many nice compliments on our teaching and on the fun-ness of the class, which made me happy, so it was a great start. And we were asked if we'd like to teach a beginner's weekend in Strömstad, where they want to start up some lindy dancing, in March. That would be loads of fun! Most things are fun with Kristian. We've started working on some nice stuff we want to teach in the intermediate/advanced course that starts in January. Anything that makes me giggle (or scream/ laugh hysterically, which also happens) will be used, that's a safe trick for knowing what's good :)

The big band was good too - Vintage Jazz Big Band, a bunch of old men with big smiles and a good feeling for the old stuff. I can't stand big bands who play neoswing and the likes on lindy occasions. Blah. However. Joakim was in town, so I got to dance a bit with him, which was great. It's always good to dance with someone that you've danced a lot with in the past, you understand each other better, the momentum is smoother, it's a bit like coming home. It is, after all, rare (at least if you're not on a higher level than I am) that you reach that amount of awesomeness when dancing with someone for the first time. (It does happen, though. Marty, get back here!)

This Sunday is mine, to use for what I want. I think it will be some general hanging around in the apartment, doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and just enjoying the happiness. Sounds good to me.

Oh, dear! I completely forgot that I've promised to tell you how the buy nothing month went. And that's almost two months ago. Well, here goes: It was PERFECT, completely wonderful!

It was so liberating. I felt very strong, as though nothing would affect me - neither trends nor sales signs (I don't know about you, but sales signs often make me feel exactly what they want me to feel - that I have to buy lots of stuff right now or else it will be too late (too late meaning, I will be un-trendy and ugly and people won't want to be with me)). I felt that it saved me time, too. Instead of thinking "I need new shoes - when do I have time to try and find a pair that I want?", it was just "do I really need new shoes or do I just think so because capitalism wants me to buy more?".

There were some difficult situations, of course, like when Maria and I wanted to share a pint of Ben & Jerry's for dessert after eating dinner at my place, and wanted to go and buy it, but I couldn't - so she had to buy it. Which was not what I intended when coming up with the buy nothing month rules. We both wanted the ice cream, and we both ate it, so I may as well have paid for it now that it actually ended up being bought anyway.

As for clothes, paper and other stuff that I usuallt buy, it was all easy and good. I just used what I already had and was completely happy with that. It was so good!

Then, of course, during the last week, something did affect me ... my sugar addiction. Everything was so stressful in September (as you may have understood if you've read here) and I needed sugar to cope. I didn't manage to resist it, in the end. So, the thing that I needed first, was candy. Doesn't it sound ridiculous? I'm trying not to be ashamed of it, but it's not easy.

Which, of course, made it quite obvious what will be the natural step after this: candy-free month. Because I don't want to be addicted to sugar - at least not as much as I am now. It's not so much for health reasons (I am growing quite fond of my belly the way it is, these days) as for the whole addiction thing. Today I was getting a headache, and then bought a Twix, and when I had finished it the headache was gone! I had no idea it worked like that. Can one get headache from (imaginead) lack of sugar? If so, I need to end this immediately.

But since it is an addiction, it won't be easy ... Trust me, I've tried to quit eating candy several times. It has lasted for about two weeks ... So I'm not sure as of what to do with this, yet. I'm thinking a whole month is too much to start with - if I fail (and I think I will) I'll ony feel lousy. Shouldn't you always put up goals that seem reasonable and reachable?

So. The buy nothing month will be back, definitely. Not December - I am not ready for that kind of challenge yet, but maybe January or February, we'll see. As for sugar, I'll try to cut down on it, but that will need some great deal of character. Wish me luck!

Åh, den sötaste grejen hände igår! Vi repade madrigaler, och jag sjöng lite krattigt först, så jag utbrast i ett "jag är så DÅLIG!". Men sedan kom jag på mig och la till (fortfarande med ögonen ned i noterna) ett "... just nu, alltså, jag menar inte jämt utan bara just vid den är genomsjungningen alltså!". Och sedan tittade jag lite försiktigt upp på Sofia och Gustav. De försökte se lite bistra och stränga ut, men började skratta.
- Men det är ju en förbättring i alla fall?!" sa jag.
- Ja, som varandes din kammarmusikensemble under hela våren kan man absolut säga att det är en förbättring! sa Sofia. Och sedan kramade jag dem.

Mina finaste! Det är en sådan TUR att jag hamnade i samma kammarmusikensemble som dem i våras (man byter varje termin, reds. anm. I våras spelade vi Buxtehude (Sofia är violinist, som bilden visar, egentligen och Gustav pianist), och nu under hösten sjunger vi madrigaler i kvartett. Egentligen skulle madrigalerna vara ett sidoprojekt till andra kammarmusikensembler, men för mig blev det inte så eftersom jag var tvungen att skala av så mycket som möjligt; vokalkvartetten blev min enda kammarmusikensemble den här hösten, tyvärr). Jag hade ju så otroligt låg självkänsla gällande min klassiska sång och över lag min, enligt mitt tycke, oberättigade vistelse på musikhögskolan. Och de bara lyssnade och peppade, outtröttligt! Sa ifrån på skarpen gjorde de också, men bara när jag precis behövde det. Åh, bästa.

Arvo Pärt-konserten med kyrkomusikerkören igår gick förresten tokbra. Det är i sanning ett fantastiskt verk och ljuvligt, om än krävande, att sjunga. Det var helt slutsålt, så det funderas på att vi ska göra om det i början av våren.

Annars har det varit en finfin inspirationsdag idag. Lunchkonsert med sex nyskrivna låtar av MuAa2 (på ren svenska: afromusikernas årskurs två), skådespelarfyrornas "Att gestalta kön"-föreställning (en magisk fridans- och rörelseföreställning: magnifikt, jag blev så lycklig; och som alltid med fridans gör det lite ont i magen, och det står klart för mig än en gång att jag fortfarande sörjer fridansen ... men jag kan leva med det) och ett par dugliga föreläsningar, samt lite pianoövning, och så har jag planerat lindykurs och bluesdansat med Kristian (det tycks omöjligt nuförtiden att planera utan att bluesdansa, vilket iofs är helt förståeligt, varför avstå från att bluesdansa liksom). Hanna är på väg hit, för myskväll. Det goda livet.

The "I only hear the compliments" strategy I have been using since Friday is working like magic. I may have been smiling constantly since, the joy in the music is back, everything is back. I can't believe it was that easy. (Maybe it wasn't easy; maybe it took me all these years to get here. Maybe it will go away. I don't care. I am smiling, now.)

And I have been giving more compliments, too! Today in the cafeteria I saw a guy who I take a few classes with (but we haven't really spoken, and I only know his name, instrument and genre (isn't it typical ... at my school, instrument and genre is more important to some than your name)). And I could hardly look away! He has cut his hair and become insanely good-looking, the difference was quite stunning. Not that he was ugly before, of course, but it was just ... something. Well, so I went up to him and told him that, and he looked as though he would melt when he said thank you! That was so nice.

Then, when at the grocery store, I told the woman behind the counter that I loved her hair (she had light horizontal stripes in it on one side, it was great). And she sort of stopped for a moment and then smiled and said "that made me happy!". "I'm glad it did", I said.

And then tonight I was down on the fourth floor to ask for some explanations to things that made me curious (such as why do we have different seasons). One of the guys who explained weren't there when we looked at stars on Saturday, so I hadn't met him before, and before I could stop myself I had said "you have such a beautiful speaking voice!". He did look at me as though I was a bit crazy, but then he smiled, and asked what I meant. "It's very melodic", I said, "very comfortable to listen to". (And I know that may have been a weird compliment, but for someone like me who listen to people's voices a lot, a nice, freely used, melodic speaking voice without tension (especially a male voice, I often find them softer) is like milk and honey. And his was truly gorgeous, very smoothe. I immediately start wondering if he sings and what that sounds like).

And it was so easy, for me. Talk about nothing to lose and everything to win. Oh, how I love smiling.

The elevator stopped on the fourth floor and three people walked in. They were carrying two mysterious big black things, and they must have seen me wondering what it was, because after the "hellos" one of them said "it's okay, ask away!" with a smile.

It was a home-made telescope.
- We are going up on to the water tower to look at Mars, they explained, it's clearly visible right now.
It's a rather cold Saturday night, the air is crisp. As we walked out on the road outside our building, one of them said:
- You are a lindy hopper, aren't you?
A bit surprised, I nodded and asked how he knew that. It turned out that he had been to one of the crash courses Kristian and I have been teaching at Duke's Place. "And it's not weird you don't recognize me since there were two hundred of us and only two of you", he said, so as to help me out of the embarrassment of not having a clue who he was.

However, the conversation had started, and it kept on going. I found out that two of them live in a collective in the corner apartment of the fourth floor (Sam, who I think knows everyone in the whole building, has told me about it), that one of them (a young man named Anders) had built the telescope himself with the help of a friend of Lisa's who I like a lot (it's a small world) and that they were very nice.

- I should turn lefthere, I said as we reached the turnaround at the end of our very short street.
- Unless you want to look at Mars and some stars with us? they said.

This star thing has been a fascination of mine for a long while (and would be even more so if I weren't the kind of person who wants to know and understand almost everything - I don't have time to learn as much as I would like to about every subject there is). I try to make it to the observatory in Slottsskogen once every winter, to just look at stars and have things explained and ask lots of questions and learn the names of stars and constellations and what comets really are made of and why stars seem to be blinking, all these things inspire me and make me curious.

I love being out in the woods, where there are no houses or streets and the sky looks as though sprinkled with a fine dust - have you seen it? When you suddenly realise that there are stars everywhere, everywhere in between the brighter shining dots that would usually be all you'd see up there; how the night sky that's just a matte reddish grey with a few white star dots when in the city, suddenly turns all silvery with the light from thousands of thousands of stars ...

But there was much to see even now, in the middle of all of Göteborg's light pollution. Stars ... I know why it's difficult to see the Pleiades if you look right at them, and how to find Polaris; I know what Cassiopeia, Orion and the Swan look like and that Castor and Pollux (named so after a pair of twins in a Greek myth) are the two brightest stars in the Gemini constellation; I know that Vega is a bright shining star in Lyra and that Bellatrix and Betelgeuse are in Orion. But there is so much more out there! Anders seemed an inexhaustible store of knowledge concerning these matters. I could have stayed a lot longer, weren't it for the fact that I was on my way to the balboa night, and therefore wore a pair of rather thin dance pants.

- How nice to have finally met you, I said, I have been wanting to invite myself for fika at your place for a while now.
- Oh, do that, soon!, they said, laughing a little. I sometimes forget that not everyone is used to my way of inviting myself in for fika - nor to my direct way of talking.

What do I want to say with this? Maybe that I still believe in the beauty and magic of unexpected meetings? That there is more good than evil in the world? That there are friends everywhere if only you try a little (and I really didn't need to try that hard)? Or maybe just that I like stars.

A little bit of this and that ...

+ As seen on the photo blog: Great news! :) I remembered that I can use the lens from my old analog camera with my new(er) digital one. Happy happy! The proportions are a bit weird and it doesn't work quite as well as the other one did, but hey, any photographing is better than no photographing. So I'm thinking I'll use this one until I've saved up some money do buy a new one, or maybe I can wish for it for Christmas.

+ Yesterday morning I thought that since I've spent years and years only remembering the bad things, the criticisms, the sarcasm, I'd spend this one day only listening to the compliments. And it was SO GOOD! And there were so many of them! How can I have not heard all these beautiful things before? I've been all happy all day, I intend to keep on living like this forever.

+ I'm looking forward to having some more time for the collages and arts project in the weeks to come. I've been missing it a great deal while dealing with all the school projects, homework and assignments, so I'm hoping to be able to make a whole lot of collages soon!

+ During the Te Deum (Arvo Pärt) rehearsal yesterday, the first one with full orchestra, everything clicked into place and the music, which has been so hard for me to form in my mouth, started forming itself and just floated out of my mouth. I love it when that happens, it's so rewarding to feel things loosen up a little bit, after weeks of work with a headstrong piece that didn't let me in at first.

+ I've been in town with Hanna all day (and Lisa part of the day). It's been lovely and I found a perfect black dress and cardigan (to wear when singing with choirs on finer occasions when black is required), and some other really nice things that will be shown sooner or later. I look forward to showing you my new ring which will be worn all the time with anything and everything.

+ I am now registered for the Snowball, a six-day lindy and balboa camp in Stockholm over New Year's. I thought that I'd have to cancel that to pay for a new lens, but since I found another solution I can still go, hooray! It looks like all the good teachers except for Vincenzo & Isabella will be there (as in Peter & Ramona, Frida & Skye, Henrik & Joanna, Steven Mitchell etc.). So looking forward to it! (If only I can found a place to stay when I'm there. We decided to get train tickets and all, but we've no idea where we'll be going to sleep ...)

Now I'm off to the balboa night. I haven't been dancing balboa for a while (seeing as planning the lindy classes has taken a lot of time) so I'm hoping I won't embarass myself ... Nah, it will be great!

So, what happened was this: I was walking in a corridor at school, and suddenly started thinking about the whole situation. I realised that almost every time I get criticised - no matter about what - every word sticks and stays and hurts, and every time a teacher says something negative (even if it's constructive - things I really need to hear to evolve), I think that I'm the only one they ever need to say negative things to, and in my ears the smallest comment sounds like "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE". But if I get a compliment or if a teacher says something good (which happens, often), I automatically think that they say it just to be kind or because they have a good day, or to cheer me up a little bit.

This simply CANNOT BE TRUE.

Not even I am stupid enough to not see that.

So I made up my mind that there will be an end to this kind of thinking. I'm tired of it. I need to get back to how I felt this spring and the first weeks of this semester, when music was all joy. I'm working on it. Go me!

So. It wasn't just the filter of my camera that's broken. It's the whole damn objective lens (I think that's what it's called in English, I looked it up). And it will cost me 2000 to get a new one (only slightly more than it would cost to have it mended, and that would take between six and eight weeks).

That's money that I just don't have right now. I don't know what else to say about this.

In school I'm suffering from a serious down- ... down what? A serious down? It's not so much that things aren't working, than that I believe that things aren't working - which is a huge difference. I'm still working with my self-confidence, and things have gotten A LOT better these past few years, but well ... I have a long way to go!

I guess the stress of these past months have eaten all my energy, so that there's been nothing left to keep me believing in my own musicality - which certainly does take a lot of energy, some days ... When the music is working and I feel like I could sing anything, it's easy. But when my voice is tired and I sing out of tune and all that, it's almost impossible, but still necessary: I need to know that my very own personal style and musicality is there, underneath, in me, all the time, and that it will show itself another time, another day, when I have slept better or feel lighter or feel safer (or whatever it is that bothers me without me knowing it. It could be the smallest of things, that makes singing more difficult. It could also be the smallest of things that makes it easier again, but I tend to forget that).

I need to believe that I am capable of doing everything we are supposed to do at school, and what's more, I need to feel that my efforts are enough. That I can't do more than what I already do. Why shouldn't my work be enough when everyone else is? Why must I always require more from me, always more and more and more? I do my best. I need to believe that it is good enough.

I also need to believe that I'm a good and loveable person even on my bad music days. That I have a value also without the music.

I just don't know how that's done, right now.

Here's a poem by Maya Stein (who has written many other wonderful things, for example a poem that is so soothing and inspiring that I have printed it and taped it onto the inside of my door, so that I can read a random line from it every time I walk out in the world - but more on that another time), a poem that so seems to fit this day, this struggling week of mine.

scrubbing the pots or a lesson in courage

What did E. Roosevelt say? "You must do the thing
you think you cannot do"? This morning, it seemed impossible
to meet the deadline of the garbage truck, or avoid the dogs,
or clean the kitchen of its tomatoey detritus, or figure out
the words for a poem I had promised.

Of course, Eleanor meant something a little grander
than hauling recycling to the curb or relieving the pets.
I don’t think she was talking about scrubbing the pots, or poetry.
Still, what better initiation into courage than the small miracle of a finished task,
clearing a space where life is waiting to be seized and shaken.

That would be me! Totally no make up!

The Suburban Queen, one of my inspiration sources when it comes to clothing and general colorfulness (gosh if only I did the thrifting bit as well as she does!), wrote a post on make up and the (lack of) use thereof. One paragraph in particular was so good that I may as well quote it, here goes:

"What I am quite anti is the rhetoric of "taking care of yourself". Making it sound like it's dirty or unhealthy not to do these products. Unless you have a medical skin condition, you won't need a fancy creme to "take care of yourself". And that's not what you're paying for, either. About 40% of the price of more lux beauty products is pure air - it's the cost of the image. Furthermore, you most certainly don't have to cover up your face in order to "take care of yourself"! That thought gives me the creeps. If and when you want to take care of yourself, please take a second to think about what you need, not what needs are created for you. I hope this doesn't sound too patronizing, but it's not a small scale issue. The beauty ideals are a huge deal. Cosmetics is a huge industry."

I couldn't agree more! As for myself, I still have acne, and I would probably look better (whatever that means? And why do I/ we think it's "better"?) with make up. But I haven't used make up since I was about fifteen, for feminist reasons (apart from stage make up, of course). This weekend, though, Hanna asked if I'd let her curl my eyelashes. I said yes (even though I find it quite uncomfortable to have a metal thing that close to my eyes, and still keep them open). The difference was huge! I looked like someone else - and, it feels odd to say it, but - I looked like someone prettier ...

And I think it would be interesting to know how it's done, the whole make up deal. Because I don't. Girls and women - and some, but few, men - get years of everyday practice while growing up, and maybe that's what it takes to get all that in order. Since I missed out on that, I just don't know how to do it (stage make up is completely different from everyday make up; it is, of course, much less subtile, much more of everything, much less complicated, you just have to think about what lighting there will be on the stage).

Thing is, I think I might like doing it. It looks rather fun to me. What I don't like is when people can't leave their house without make up - I know too many of those. I wouldn't want to end up there. I don't need lots of time to get ready, and I like it that way.

However. I won't reach a conclusion to this whole thing tonight, it's way past bedtime. I think I'll let Hanna take me out on a make up shopping tour, and then teach me how it's done, and then I can choose whether it suits me or not. I don't have all my personal "rules", as people like to call them, just for the sake of having them, or because someone tells me to. I can change them whenever I want to.

I'm rather picky about jewellry, too. (If it's not round flat earrings, because if it is I'll take the lot! :)) If I'm supposed to wear something "extra", something "more" than just clothes (as in, something that takes more than two seconds to pick and put on) I want it to really be something extra; I want it to be something special, noticeable. Preferrably I want it to mean something (which is rarely achievable to a reasonable price, but well). Actually that might sum up how I feel about make up, as well ... I wouldn't mind using make up now and then, just for fun. But I like to keep it simple, natural if you will. And anything that takes more than two seconds in the morning is not simple :)

However, if anyone feels like giving me a late birthday gift (or any kind of gift really), I'm still in love with these earrings. They are just AMAZING and would suit me perfectly (even though not even 10% of my friends would understand just how funny they are). I'm liking this heart too. Just so you know :)

Just wanted to tell you that I've added a link to my last.fm profile on the right. So if anyone is interested in what I'm listening to, go have a look! For a sneak peek, here are my ten most popular artists according to last.fm (the last.fm account is not completely accurate; I have most of my music on CD:s, and my computer is old and buzzes worse than my fridge (which is to say a lot), so I never keep it on if I'm not actively using it. But I must admit that these artists give quite a good idea of my taste in music at the moment. If only you add the classical bits and some of the old singer/songwriter goodness).

1 Chet Baker
2 Ella Fitzgerald
3 Clifford Brown
4 Jonas Knutsson
5 Terence Blanchard
6 Nando Lauria
7 Bob James
8 Sarah Vaughan
9 Linda Pettersson
10 Copeland

Thank God I have Copeland up there too, or it would have looked like I've turned into some sort of jazz maniac! Oh dear!

Hur man vet att ens vän läser till läkare

Sam: Jag måste banta!
Kristin: Va?! Varför det?
S: För jag börjar bli tjock!
K (tittar menande på sin mage): Men ska vi jämföra eller?
S: Nej, det ska vi inte! Du är tjej och tjejer ska vara tjocka!
K: Va?
S: Ja, det är bara lite subkutan charm.

I'm back from a well-needed, well-deserved mini vacation in Karlstad. Note to self: when tired and unhappy, visit friends! My friends Hanna and Jonas live in Karlstad this fall, while working with Wedding Singer (a musical, baed on the movie) at Värmlandsoperan. The show was great fun, and I got a tour of the theatre before it started; I got to see their warm up, the wigs, the make up people, their preparations, their horrifying 80's clothes. I took a few steps on the stage while Hanna did her soundcheck. Hanna must've seen my face. Do you miss the stage? she asked.

I do.

Later in the evening I sat in their couch with their adorable cat Milda purring next to me, and felt the calm I've been lacking these past few days slowly flowing back.

Tonight: Dinner and movie (Delicatessen, which both Sam and I have seen several times before, but it's so worth seeing again!) with darlings Lisa, Hanna (another Hanna - I have two of them, but I don't know what to call them to separate them from each other) and Sam. Well-needed and well-deserved, too.

Nej, det går faktiskt inte att skriva om något positivt idag, hur jag en anstränger mig.

Exempel på saker som har gått fel idag:
+ Jag kom dåligt förberedd till SAMTLIGA lektioner och presterade dåligt på SAMTLIGA lektioner. Mina lärare tittar så besviket på mig. Jag hatar det, hatar det, och jag får ont i magen.

+ Stämrepet på Pärts Te Deum vi hade på eftermiddagen var så pinsamt att jag var tvungen att gå därifrån för att inte börja gråta (bokstavligt talat). Det skar sig något otroligt och det var JAG som sjöng falskt, det var MITT FEL att det lät för jävligt.

+ Vi bestämde oss för att lägga jazzensemblen på is. Det är ingen som hinner, vi lyckas aldrig hitta reptider. Men jag hade glatt mig så åt den här jazzensemblen, och det gör mig så glad att ha något musikaliskt som inte har med skolan att göra, som är prestigefritt, bara jam, bara lek tillsammans med människor jag tycker mycket om. Det är numera ett minne blott.

+ Sen upptäckte Sam medan jag var på toa att min kamera är trasig!!! Jag har inte använt den på några dagar och alltså inte tagit upp den ur fodralet. Men nu ville han pilla lite på den och då såg vi att linsen var spräckt! Jag bara skrek rätt ut! Sedan såg jag att det var UV-filtret som hade krasat, inte själva linsen. Andades ut lite. Men filtret hade i alla fall fastnat, och jag vågar inte skruva loss det av rädsla för att repa linsen med alla de där små jävliga glasbitarna. ÅNGEST ÅNGEST.


Sam sa att jag i alla fall kan skratta åt det. Att när det blir såhär extremt så måste man bara skratta åt det. Och så skrattade vi åt det en stund. Men han skulle iväg och spela tennis, så nu är det tomt här igen.

Det värsta är att den där bostadsångesten genom att allt har varit så jävligt idag har vuxit och bildat någon sorts allmän livsångest på följande teman:
+ Jag utbildar mig till arbetslöshet och kommer aldrig få jobb
+ Jag kommer få flytta ut i förorten och vantrivas
+ Ingen kommer någonsin bli kär i mig utan jag kommer få leva ensam i resten av mitt liv

Och vidare på samma tema, ni förstår. Och jag tänker bara att den här dagen får vara slut snart, innan det hinner hända något mer dumt.

A little bit of this and that ...

+ I woke up this morning and suddenly realize that from February, I am HOMELESS. I have known this since I moved here (in March), but today it just ... struck. I have NO IDEA where I am going to live. This has scared me all day, and my stomach aches when I think about it. I am trying to embrace the fact that everything has worked out just perfect in my life so far (I have the best friends in the world, I am lucky enough to study what I love (and this on an education that is actually quite hard to get into), I have a part-time job that I really like, I have hobbies (lindy, collages, books, more music, to name but a few) that make my life more beautiful, and so on) and that I shouldn't worry because this will work out, too. This has been harder than you'd think, though. But I'm working on it.

+ I receieved the most lovely gifts from Katie in the mail yesterday; a mix CD, a lovely collage and the moste PERFECT earrings. Will show them to you as soon as I have more time than now.

+ Today was the last class of this fall's beginners/indermediate lindy course, and they gave us flowers! I was really touched (so touched that I surprised myself) and happy. They seemed so happy, like we've actually taught them something, it feels so good to think about that. We'll probably teach intermediate/advanced this spring; we were asked to because of our very "counter balancey, close-positioned, yummy" (not my words ... but they do fit) style. Feels scary, but good.

+ I am loving fall and everything that comes with it; the bright blue sunny days, the grey drizzle that makes everything cozier (how does it do that, by the way?), the soft warm yellowish light in my apartment in the evenings. But most of all, the smells. I don't know what it is that tastes so good but I think about it every morning, whether it has rained or not. It's not just earthy, it's fresher, brighter, lighter. So much easier to breathe now, than in summer.

+ This post (in Swedish) by underbaraclara, about a new and better fashion icon, is hilarious, and made me happy.


I need to get up at half past five tomorrow morning. Have to be at school at seven to prepare the conducting homework that I had totally forgotten about. And coming unprepared to the conducting class (or to any class, for that matter) is just not an option. So now it's bedtime for sure.

Jag SKÄMS för att kalla mig kristen när folk beter sig som de gör. Jag SKÄMS för att sägas dela religion med folk som tycker så. Det är INTE samma religion. Min handlar om kärlek. Och bara bara bara bara kärlek! Bara! Allting som är fint och bra i den här världen kommer från Gud, och det genom kärlek. Det är faktiskt precis så enkelt!

Ni sysslar ju inte med kärlek! Gå härifrån! Sluta upp med att svärta ned andras intryck av min superfina Gud som är bäst i världen (och himlen etc.)! Jag blir så trött på er! Usch!

Och att Stefan Gustavsson (generalsekreterare för Svenska Evangelistiska Alliansen, som har kommit på det här "bevara äktenskapet"-köret) enligt dagen.se "understryker att organisationens avsikt inte är att såra någon" ... Herregud. Vad ska man säga. Inte såra någon?! Vad tror de att de gör, då? Jag känner bara BRIST PÅ EMPATI LILLA VÄNNEN. Det duger inte. Som kristen borde du sannerligen veta bättre. Gör mig en tjänst i framtiden, och tänk mer på vad Jesus skulle ha gjort!

An Update

1. These past two months have been RIDICULOUSLY busy. I like being busy, specially with things that I love doing, but this time, it was just too much to have time to enjoy anything. No fun.

2. It's a lot better now! My schedule isn't as crammed as it was, there's more space and time to practise. Practising = making music = I'm happy.

3. I love autumn. Everything is beautiful. Everything in my life is musical.

And how are you doing?


Azure Ray | Hold On Love

Bilden: Vi jobbar med vårt musikstycke för sju dammsugare.

Det satt en kvinna mittemot mig på bussen idag. Hon lyssnade på musik i öronpluttar, och hennes nynnande bildade en finfin tersstämma - inte rytmisk men väl melodisk - till Eggstones Water, som var vad jag lyssande på i mina hörlurar. Det är sånt som gör ens dag.

I'm sorry! My life started happening, and there was just no time for blogging.

Honestly, it's been way too much this past month. But seeing as it's starting to slow down a little (for two reasons: I said no to a whole bunch of things I had planned to do, such as one of my choirs, an evening class in modern history of pop and rock, one of my chamber ensembles, several lindy classes and some other things, and the amount of school work is shrinking slightly), I don't feel like talking any more about it. It's been too much, and I was ridiculously happy to be back at school for about two weeks, and then I got tired, and then I got grumpy, and then my stomach started aching, and this past week I've been picking fights in every direction. It was no fun. I'm glad it's getting better.

I feel bad about not writing here, especially since my flickr profile says "There's the blog too, updated at least every other day". I don't have many readers though, so I don't think it matters much ... but it matters to me. I like my blog. And I will try and shake some life into it over the next few weeks.

But for now, I'm prioritating sleep. I'm still not fully recovered from the sleep deprivation and the general lack of taking care of myself - body and soul - of this past month. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I was asked if I want to sing Te Deum by Arvo Pärt with one of the school's choirs. I don't have time, but the music is too beautiful to not want to be a part of, it's stunning. You'd want to sing it too. I wonder who'll play the piano. It's supposed to be a prepared piano, a fascinating way to use an instrument.

Literally every time I walk out the door I thank God for this autumn, that makes me want to fill my lungs completely with smooth, fresh, air, like after rains, and for my life, which is so beautiful, musical and filled to the brim with deep, strong love.

Picture shows Strange Fruit during their performance "the Field", in Göteborg 17th of August. It was the third time I saw them, it's completely marvellous, magical.

Some people that I truly love.


Today is the first day of my Buy Nothing Month. I'm so excited! My exceptions are: food, rent, phone bill, tram card, school books and/or sheet music, any kinds of fika or treats after driver training (because I need encouragement), concert tickets (I had to think about that one for a while, but it was obvious that I did better in all my classes last year when I went to at least one concert a week, and I'd be stupid not to continue something so rewarding. I hope I won't need this exception since I can get most tickets for free from school or from someone I know, but if I need to go to the opera that will be 40 SEK) and train tickets to visit friends.

I'm not doing this just to not buy anything, like to save money or something - because I know that I will buy stuff, anyway. I'm doing this because I want to know what is so important to me that I will break my buy nothing-rules to get it. What will it be? Will it be candy? I don't think that will be the first thing; cherry tomatoes, cashew nuts and grapes all count as food, so I think I'll be allright for a short while. Chocolat will be hard, though. Not to mention ice cream. Gaaaah. Or will it be records? Will it be fika? Cinema? New clothes? What will it be?

This is a project that has been growing in my mind for a while. Capitalism and consumption scares me, and my wish to be a part of it (wear fancy clothes, follow trends, be good-looking, own all the records people talk about, live in a fancy apartment with stylish things) scares me even more. I guess that's part of my straight edge philosophy; not be addicted to anything but love.

This society, this economic system wants us to buy things, throw them away, and then buy more. We all know this. And I don't want it. I know that I'm part of it, and I will always be part of it, and I don't think consumption is all bad (buying a new notebook or record can make me very happy). But overdoing it is bad. And right now the whole western part of the world is overdoing it. I read about the conditions in the Chinese factories that make all the toys people here buy for their kids. They work fourteen hours a day for almost nothing. Do I want to support a system that does that to people?

That joy we get from buying stuff, is it real? Is it as good and as whole as the joy of dancing or spending time with someone you love? How long does a hug last? How long does a new jacket last? What would you choose, a new jacket or a night with friends? What would I choose? How important for me is it to look good? I bought an autumn jacket yesterday, completely wonderful, and I felt so pretty in it. It cost me money to feel pretty. Would I have felt as pretty in my old jacket? Can I feel good in my own body without nice-looking clothes? If not (because as it is, the answer for me personally is mostly no), why? Because the society won't let me. Because if I feel that I look good in whatever trash I put on, I won't buy as much. And this world is all about buying.

All the truly good things in my life, all the things I love the most, are - or can/ should be - free. Singing is free, loving, dancing, hugging, talking, walking in the woods, going to school, watching sunset or sunrise, telling stories, reading, writing letters, these things are all free. (Oh, I know that you need dancing shoes to dance, a pen to write, and a book to read, but ... I think that you understand me anyway. I explain it as good as I can.)

So, like I said, it's not that I want to stop buying thing alltogether. But I want to buy less and I want to know if it's possible for me to get less addicted to buying things - like when you cut down on sugar, eventually you won't want it as much as you did before ... Will that work with consumption too? Because if I feel sad, is shopping really the best cure? Could I do something else, something that would make a smaller ecological footprint?

And speaking of clothing and wanting to look good, could I do other things than shopping to show my personality to the world? Because as it is today, what we buy is what we are. I don't want to be what I buy, thinking of all the people who have been suffering so that I can get it. I want to be what I ... I don't know, be what I sing? Be how I dance. Be what I love ... Be who I am? Because I guess all this, the whole project, really is important for me for a very simple reason: I believe that we have a soul. Something that is not, and will never be, buyable.

When I listen to Over There by Terence Blanchard, I feel like my heart is going to burst with all the emotion. There's so much love in my life, so much thankfulness, so much beauty, I can't even explain. I feel that I am the luckiest person in the world to be able to feel everything as much as I do. I listen to it and I know, I know that I could never do anything with my life that is not music. I listen to it and trust you, I trust God, and I trust my own abilities to make the most out of every second that I have been given, in my own way. I listen to it and there is more room for air in my chest then there was before, and I know that whatever I want to do with my life is possible. I couldn't live any other way.

I just had to tell you.

So here's what happening:

I danced with Kristian on Wednesday; we were planning the first beginners-indermediate class, and I had decided not to dance too much, just do the necessary talking and then go home early, and then he put on Hayburner and we were in the big ballroom and had all the space in the world ... and I was like ... "oh well, one song can't hurt". And we danced, and it may have been one of our best ever. Gah, I'm so incredibly lucky to be his partner. Luck is what it is; we didn't really decide to be partners, it just happened, we just knew that it would work out. It's that magical connection again: I know very well that not everyone would work as well with him as I do (even though I've never heard of anyone disliking dancing with him), and I know lots of people who do not work well with me. But I don't care ... as long as I can dance with him a little bit now and then. Ooooh, it was so good I kept laughing and laughing. You know, when the momentum's so perfect that your stomach loves it. That's what I'm dancing for, those moments.

Afterwards I felt out of breath, weak and feverish-sweaty, so I guess it wasn't a great idea. But for that one dance it was so worth it.

So well, I'm still sick. Nothing's changing there.

Been doing some painting, in my journal. Just colors. Don't know yet what will come of it. Parts of me feel like leaving the spreads like they are, light blue, bright blue, gold, light yellow, some orange, a little bit of beige. But my fingers really want to add something to them ... I don't know what yet. It's exciting, to leave them open on my desk to dry, and go do something else (stand on the balcony, play betapet, write a blog entry, stalk someone on facebook), and then go back and suddenly see what needs to be done (at least that's what often happens, so I'm kind of hoping that's what'll happen now, too). It's a beautiful process to be part of ... when it's working.

J was here last night, to cheer me up a little bit (and make me some food). It worked of course, sometimes just being around him works. Sometimes it astounds me that we actually met on a bus (on a regular city bus, not one going far, I don't know what you call buses going between different cities and such) and that we're still best friends five years later. Sometimes it's the most natural thing in the world - how else would I get to know such an amazing, interesting and surprising individual, if not in an amazing, interesting and surprising way?

It struck me today that I'm probably sick now for a reason. I had it all planned out, you know, what I should do with these days to be super perfectly prepared for school; maybe what I need is to not prepare at all, maybe what I need is just go there in two weeks and sing, with my own voice, like I always do, and enjoy it, like I always do (but in different ways).

That felt good. This summer didn't turn out quite as I had planned ... but not in a bad way. It never does, does it?

I'm listening to Tides by Nitin Sawhney. So soothing, always. I waste my time (because I need to use it up somehow) by surfing internet pages that are all about looks: collage art (of course), but also what to wear, how to live, and I keep thinking that that's all just fine, but there is nothing like music. You will have to forgive me this. I can see a marvellous compostion, colors that make me feel like I want to lay down and die right now because they are so perfect, but it will never be like singing.

And I haven't even been able to sing, or play, for two weeks, it's killing me.

Not that I don't enjoy collaging anymore. (Actually, I haven't enjoyed it as much as of late, but more on that another time. And also, note to self, do write something about how I've been feeling like a lousy photographer wannabe lately.) But it's like - collaging, and color, and beautiful clothing, it will just have to come secondly. Collage is what I do to describe my life, express it, in a way; music is it, it is the core. I think that's what have made it so easy for lindy to take over the time and emotion I used to put in art journaling. I have to struggle to make my collages look like music, but it is not hard at all to make dancing look like music. If it doesn't show the music, it is not dancing.

Photo taken at a camp with my friends, 1999, and scanned for facebook photo albums.

I have now officially retreated to the parents' house. Because it always sucks to be sick, but it sucks a little less to be sick here. For several reasons:

1. Company. We don't talk much, my throat doesn't want me to (but then we've never really talked much), but that doesn't matter. It's just nice to have someone around.

2. They have a TV. Normally I hate television and almost everything shown on it, but when I'm sick, a TV is some sort of company, too. It's good to just sit on the couch and doze off a little.

3. I can eat luxury food that I can't (or I guess I could, but there are other things I want to put money on, too) afford to buy for myself! Such as ... cherry tomatoes and cashew nuts with (almost) every meal.

4. They like to spoil me a little.

5. My lungs have started to hurt in a most unpleasant way. No, actually, it doesn't really hurt, it just feels - well - unpleasant is a good word. It's like a pressure, it's heavier to breathe than normal and it makes me uncomfortable.

6. It's not far; I live just south of and they live a bit east of the city center. When my mother called yesterday to see how I was feeling, she just asked if I wanted to come here, and I said yes, and she came to pick me up. It's great, to still live in the city where I grew up, that I love more than any other place in the world. But then, why would I ever leave Göteborg.


I called Robin earlier today, to tell him I can't go to Stockholm tomorrow. I haven't seen him since April. I hate that.


Some good things too, so that I won't feel too sorry for myself:
- School starts in no more than two weeks. Hooray!

- I just got the most beautiful message on flickr, from a person who said that my collages and thoughts said I inspired her, and "i don't know what else to say really, just please don't stop, what you're doing." These comments and messages just leave me out of words. What do I do to deserve them?

- They just put the Fall 2007 program of lindy classes (they = WCJ, the lindy hop organization that I'm part of) online. Wohoo! There are so many amazing classes I want to take, like: "Fast and Slow - dancing both faster and slower than we mostly do requires musicality, timing, body awareness, balance and the ability to really listen to your partner and use all of the music [...]." Doesn't it sound super exiting?! And the Taking Over and Stealing classes with Marcus and Ellen! I'm fairly good at taking over, but there is always more to learn. Ooo, I want the classes to start NOW! No, wait ... I want to get well first.

The photo: a tree, growing on a school yard close to where I live.

I have become so used to standing on my balcony, looking at the view, thinking about things, at all times at day, that is actually scares me that I'll have to move in February. sometimes people call me and ask me what I'm doing, and I answer "I'm standing on my balcony", and they are surprised: is that something that can be done, an active choice? Like reading a book or writing an e-mail, standing on my balcony is something that I have come to do. It's such a good place for thinking. It's such a good place for looking at things from another perspective ...

Julia walked me to the tram stop a couple of days ago, after the last night of the Gothenburg Lindy Exchange. We talked about how Herräng and the Lindy Exchange had complemented each other to improve our dancing:
- Herräng showed me that I'm actually a very good dancer, I said, and the Lindy Exchange has shown me what wonderful amounts I still have left to learn.
She nodded. I paused.

And then it dawned upon me, not suddenly like something falling, but rising inside of me, like something waiting underneath, something that I have known for a while, maybe since my first six months of lindy: I need to stop hiding behind the fact that I've only danced a year and a half. I've been using that as a shield, a safety, so as to make it easier for me to accept failure; like when I don't follow something, I have been thinking that it's okay because I've only been dancing for a year and a half. Why can't it be just okay? Not okay because. I don't always follow everything. It should be okay. I should be able to accept it without needing to explain it. Why do I always need to have a reason - no, more than that, an excuse - for every mistake? I am human after all, we make mistakes!

And the reason I cannot hide behind that fact, any longer, is because it doesn't fit. I don't fit in that part anymore. I am better than that; I am better than most people who have been dancing for the same amount of time. This is hard for me to say, I am not used to talking about myself as better than most; nonetheless it is true and it will not do me (or anyone else, for that matter) any good to deny it. I need to know it and accept it, to be able to move on from here.

Naturally it is easier for me to learn faster since I've danced since I was ten, and also because I am a musician, it is not at all difficult for me to feel the music, and become a part of it. I can choose to step inside it, sometimes. But the reasons shouldn't matter: what matters is that I am on an advanced level - in classes quite obviously, I did the audition and they didn't put me in indermediate-advanced, they put me in advanced, I earned my place in that class - but also when social dancing.

It's a suit I've been wearing, the "I've been dancing for eighteen months" excuse, which I need to step out of; into the "I am an advanced dancer" way of thinking. It is time. Because I need to know where I am, to find out what to work on. And like I said, this weekend has given me wonderful ideas of all the things I need to work on. I love that feeling so much, that I could dance forever and still be learning, evolving, growing.

A drawing of la Victoire de Samothrace that I made at the Louvre when travelling in France and Italy last summer.

I have heard that the songs that matter the most to us, are the songs that we associate with both happy and sad memories; the songs that make us want to laugh and cry at the same time; the songs that make us nostalgic; the songs that remind us of someone, someone that we loved, before.

That's what I have heard. And I think that whoever said this (I don't remember) was right - to a certain point.

Because there are songs, in my life, that don't make me sad at all. There are songs that are connected only to happy memories. Passing By by Ulrich Schnauss is one of them. I first heard it when I saw Elizabethtown, a movie that everyone else hates but that I love. You hear it as they drive to meet each other in the middle of the night, and it's so perfect, it suits me so well; seeing as I love going someplace by car in the middle of the night.

I made this collage in my Moleskine as some sort of tribute to this song; because I love it, and because it makes me happy, and because it makes me think of last April and how I changed my life, then. How I decided that I deserve to be loved.



In other news, I am sick. It's just a cold, and a slight fever. The days are okay. The nights are worse, I don't sleep, I am cold and sweating at the same time, I wake up every thirty minutes, coughing.

I have only myself to blame - I knew already last week that I was going to be sick (I didn't allow myself to be sick during Herräng, I just thought "afterwards you can be sick, not now"), I felt it in my throat, but still I went to the lindy exchange. Oh, well. I intend to be well by Friday, when I'm going to Stockholm to visit Robin. You hear that, fever? I intend to be well by Friday.

I'm thinking about ending my summer holidays and getting back to school tomorrow. School doesn't officially start until September 3rd, but it doesn't do to come back to school and not have practised for weeks. Actually I haven't practised at all during the whole of July. Oh, dear, I'll have some work to do with my voice! But I know better than to try to do serious singing practise when I'm still not fully recovered from the Herräng flu. It would do more harm than good to my voice. I'll have to wait ... But I long to sing. And I miss my school. The grand pianos on the 6th floor, the light that floods into the corridors, the music swimming through the windows when I walk up from the tram stop.



As if yesterday's (or actually "this morning's" would be a more accurate way of putting it) post didn't make that clear, I might be more into dancing now than I've ever been.

I met this guy in Herräng who explained that dancing to him was all about trying to get better and better. I was like, "wait a minute, where's the fun?". Of course, he enjoys it as well, but there's still that lingering thought of always improving, dancing with better dancers, dancing more, more often, practising ... And as I listened, I knew that that's how I was, before, when I was a contemporary dancer. I pushed myself all the time, I was so competitive, I had to have others confirming me all the time. In the end it was no fun at all.

So I've done that for TOO LONG, doing stuff only to try to be the best. Nowadays, I try not to do things to get better at doing them, ever. I do them because I love them and because I feel like doing them. My opinion is that everything that I really love doing, I will get better at, sooner or later. Because the only way to really get better at something is to enjoy it, profoundly. I want to be a good dancer and I want to learn more, but it is not my goal; my goal is to live the music (as is with everything I do in my life). The rest will all come, as long as I'm having fun.

I've been having fun dancing for more than a year now. I feel like a want to dance forever.

He also said another thing: The day that you start thinking about what other people think of your dancing, you're done. That's it. From that day on you will never enjoy it as much, unless you can stop it in time. If you think about what others think about your dancing, it will become less and less fun, and you'll worry more and more, and you will stop dancing.

He is so right. Lindy hop for me has always been because I love it, not because I have to force myself to get better. And I will do everything I can to keep it that way. I hope, I hope, that I learned that lesson when I was a contemporary dancer, but maybe I have to be careful. I cannot, I will not, fall into that gap again! I will dance for myself and myself only. And if others enjoy dancing with me, I'll love it. But I won't dance for them, nor for them to confirm or compliment me.

When I danced with a guy yesterday, I had to ask him why he looked so bored. Unfortunately someone had told him that I'm some sort of wonderful dancer. And I hate to disappoint people. And he looked bored. And I thought that I was boring. And I hate to be boring.

And he just smiled at me and said I would not have danced with you for that long if I had been bored with you. And I trusted him, instantly. And that's that.

Photo taken during a Lindy in the Park in July this year.

Oh, the Seattle blues -

- I felt like a feather tonight, but not as fleeting; I am not vague nor undecided, I am solid, one body, one movement, chains of movements, dancing. Still I am a feather.

Compared to years and years of feeling fat (although I never was), this lightness is heaven; this acceptance of my body and my weight the way it is, this new way of being, dancing, living - because I have the right to it, this space, I do not take up too much. The floor is mine, I own it, it belongs to my feet and through my feet my whole body. I used to wish I was neat. I have longed for pretty, secretly. I don't need that anymore. I'd rather be colorful, outrageous than meek. I will never be one of the pretty girls, not as long as it means what it means today: it means eye candy only; silent, well-mannered eye candy. I have too much to say to be pretty. Cute girls do not sparkle like I do.

It has happened that leaders have made it difficult for me, they've let things slip, without meaning to hurt me of course, but nevertheless - "I'd like to take the aerials class with M because she's light" - what does that make me other than heavy? But no, I am not heavy. They were wrong to say these things. I am light as a feather tonight, but not fleeting; comfortable in my skin, in my body, with my weight. This is me. Every part of my body is dancing.

I should make me some dinner. I'm no good at cooking. Always the same dishes. But the ones I make, I make them good. My friends like my lentil soup.

There is something very liberating about English. There are so many words. I once read that English has a lot more words than Swedish - not surprising of course, since there are so many more English speakers than Swedish speakers - and I wish now I could remember the exact amount. How many words does a language hold? How many of them are necessary to communicate? What is poetry? Most of the poetry I've read in my life annoys the hell out of me. How important is communication to us? To me, everything.

I should make dinner, instead I sit at my table (I usually don't call it my desk, it's not really a desk: it's a kitchen table, a really large one, that I use as a desk, I bought it because of the size and the color, a very warm light shade of brown, maybe it's oak or something supposed to resemble oak, what do I know) making collages. I painted over an old one, about courage, that was too pale to be about courage. Then I wrote "Things I love about myself, part 1: My ability to love. It's the best thing about me". I mean it very much. There is nothing better about me. I have been let down, cheated on, deserted, ditched, dumped and just simply left behind. Still I love. I am very selfish (working on that), but I love.

I'll show the collage to you later, when the paint's dry.

I listen to Nando Lauria. I listened to him a lot during Herräng, too; every time I took a nap I started by listening to music in my headphones - it's a way of spending time with myself, being alone, even in a gym full of people sleeping or resting or whispering. Taking care of myself and my own thoughts, if you wish.

The painting above is called "piano". I made it for my brother as a birthday gift last year. 50x60 cm.

We were on our way home from M's birthday party, about an hour ago. The night was dark and the highway ahead of me looked yellowish in the light from the streetlights. J drove fast, very fast, and we listened to José Gonzàlez (the Crosses EP), it felt a little bit like flying, and I felt very safe.

We started talking about music and singing, and of course my education was mentioned. K said that he has only heard me sing a few times, and I asked him when? He said "well, there was this one time in Syria when we were singing the whole group together, you sat on my right and I remember hearing your voice". I was stunned. "And you remember that?" I said. "Well ... yeah", he said.

It was just such a beautiful compliment. I didn't need him to say anything at all about my singing. The fact that he remembered the moment was more than enough.

I just wanted to tell you. The night felt like velvet, it sounds silly but everything really was soft and dark and comforting like velvet. It was a very beautiful ride in a car, one of these random moments that seem to pass other people by, but that I collect like treasures.

An interesting thing about Herräng is that I met several people (about seven, I think) who very quickly in the conversation said something like "no, you wouldn't do such a thing, it's not in your personality" or "I can tell you'd like/dislike this or that" or, worst of all, "I know your kind". Excuse me?! All of these people are American. Somebody Swedish would never say a thing like this; we may think we know something about someone, but we don't say it until the person is a friend - or an enemy, if that turns out to be the case. The people telling me stuff about myself were complete strangers.

It annoys me very much. What bothers me is not that they were wrong, or right (mostly they were right, since I wear my heart on my sleeve) - that doesn't matter. But it disturbs me that they think they know me better than I do. Why, then, is this disturbing? Because they haven't been through what I've been through! They haven't lived my life! And darn it, they wouldn't want to, at least not some of the years!

Ouch, where did that come from?

Anyways ...

It's not hard to tell that I'm social, outgoing, talkative and spontaneous. People guess rightly that I tend to like people instantly, that I fall in love easily, that I take an interest in strange people or things, that I'm creative, that I love music and arts, that I've suffered from wild moodswings and still do sometimes (though not at all as often as I used to). Those things are easy. But there are other things to me as well, things that people don't see, or don't see until I tell them.

And even if they do! Even if they do understand things about me, please don't tell me in such a know-it-all way! It's my life after all, and even if I don't know myself completely (only God does that, anyway), I defend the right to choose what I want to be like. I may be this or that, but I can change. I am not stuck this way, I will change and evolve and travel to new parts of myself, I will see new things in my soul every day. So don't talk to me like I AM one way or another and have no way of changing it. Parts of me that I do not appreciate, or that make it harder for me to reach my goal - which is love and happiness - I can change. I've done it.

That was hard in English. This blogging in English is really good for me. Oh, and speaking of that, I've had some really lovely compliments on my English during Herräng! Some people actually thought I was a native English speaker, that's pretty awesome.

And speaking of God, I haven't been to church for weeks. I'm beginning to feel the need. I really like that need, too. I really like being Christian. It gives me solid ground, a ground from where I can go wherever I want. And some people actually think that true religion locks people up in cages! Mine doesn't, for sure. Mine sets me free.

It's getting blue outside. I remember writing that as part of lyrics for one of Sebastian's songs, when we were seventeen: "summer nights don't turn dark, they turn dark blue". I'm resting. I haven't been outside my door at all today. It feels really good to just sit here and wait, wait for me to catch up with my life ... or for my life to catch up with me. Either way I expect it to happen in a few days' time, it always does. Until then I'll just sit here.

I've got the post Herräng depression. I've heard others talk about it, and since I'm fairly overemotional about everything, I figured I'd get it too, so I thought I was prepared. How wrong wasn't I! I'm completely paralyzed. Everything is so different here: It's silent, to begin with, and not everyone I meet are dancers. Why aren't they? Let's just dance, here and now, in the middle of the street, like we do in Herräng!

It's going from a place where things happen literally all the time - there is just no time for sleep, people dance at all hours - to the soft calm of my summer holidays. June was like this too: slow, calm, cosy, nice. I was happy then. How long before I get used to the slow mode of living again? A whole month to go before school starts and things start to happen again.

Still I'm sleep-deprived and worn-out and I don't think I could have taken much more, so ... It's good to be home too, in a way ... Just so very different. I already miss all the people I met, the discussions and games.

I think I'm going to go out and stand on my balcony for a while. Everything is purple and pink and greyish blue there now; I live ont he seventh floor, and I often stand on my balcony when the sun goes down. I like to be a part of it.


The photo shows my friend Hanna, walking from the last dance night at about four in the morning. When we came up to the school area wew we sleep, they had already started to take down the tents were classes were held.