Some more vacation photos. This is one hard vacation to come home from, I tell you, seeing as I haven't really got anything to come home to - still haven't finished cleaning up my new apartment from the guy I rent it from, and so there are boxes and bags everywhere and everything is still, well, a mess.

But it's been a great week and I intend to live on it for a long while.

Vacation

This would NEVER happen in my own family. All of the family members sitting in a living room. Some are reading, someone's trying to fix a problem with the laptop, someone's just thinking. It is silent. Everything is safe. Now and then, someone says something about the book they're reading, about the computer problem that's being solved, or about the delicious coffee beans dipped in chocolate that were bought yesterday and that we're now sharing.

If it were my family, the silence wouldn't be this comforting; someone would speak of what haven't been done or what's to be done tomorrow; someone would come up with something to discuss (or argue about). Come to think of it, if it were my family, this would never happen. We don't spend time together doing nothing. We're not calm enough.

I'm on vacation with the boyfriend and his family. I'm learning to ski, slowly becoming more and more comfortable with those mysterious things attached to my feet. I was extremely scared at first (and all the way in the car to get here (that's a ten hour ride) I kept thinking (and saying) "I will die! And break both my legs!"), but the boyfriend with his enormous amount of patience and - I'm beginning to realise - love for me, just kept comforting me and saying "I won't leave you. I'll be right behind. I'll help" until everything felt better. I began to thoroughly enjoy this whole skiing thing after only a few hours. I sprained my thumb today (by falling on it - yes, it must have looked as silly as it sounds), but not too badly, it's a bit swollen, that's all.

My muscles are tired. I'm slowly relaxing, letting go of all the school stuff, choosing not to think of what awaits me at home. I'll deal with that later. For now, I'm skiing. I'm going to sleep early and waking up rested. I'm eating good food, reading ("Equal Rites" by Terry Pratchett, which is a fabulous fairy tale to enjoy on snowy evenings like these in a cottage like this), and growing more and more in love with the boyfriend for every minute - yes, I can feel it, tangible, growing in me as I look at him, how I love him more now than two seconds ago. And it's not stopping.

This past week has been a MESS.

I moved on Saturday, cleaned my old apartment on Sunday and Monday, just to arrive on late Monday afternoon to my new apartment (which is about half the size of my old one, so the room is filled to the brim with furniture, boxes and things) just to realise that the person I'm renting from hadn't cleaned it properly, so I had to clean that apartment, too. I'm still not done. And Friday, I'm leaving to go skiing with the boyfriend and his family. Not easy to pack bags for a trip when you have no idea in which box your things are. (I know, I know - I should have marked them. But I didn't know I wouldn't be able to pack things up immediately).

On top of this, things in school - or rather, my feelings about going there - have been getting worse. I'm right now in survival mode, focusing only on making it through until summer. Meaning, I'm singing horribly, skipping loads of classes, and in general not at all being the perfect music student I have been, and had intended to be. I don't know what else to say about it right now. My plans for this fall, so far, is to take some sort of half-time class at the university (English maybe, I don't know yet) and sleep and fill pages in my art journal for the rest of the time. That's all I really want. Sleep, and fill pages with colors. Thankfully I have some money saved up, that I can live on for at least a little while.

As you can see, not much time or peace to blog ...

The boyfriend, though, is taking good care of me. I'm staying here until I'm done cleaning and unpacking - it's just depressing to be down in my new apartment now, with all the mess. Mess just isn't what I need in my life right now. To pull through with school and everything that must be done, I need a place to stay which is peaceful and organized and just plain nice, so I can feel safe somewhere. Right now the only place where I feel completely safe and at ease is in the boyfriend's arms at night.

I am homesick for my old apartment. Pictures on top are from last March. It is now exactly a year since I moved in. I felt at home there immediately. When will I feel at home in Vasastan?

Ever since New Year's I've been wanting to do some sort of photographic summary of that first year with my new camera, but I've had neither time nor inspiration to start it. Now I find myself, surprisingly enough, having a little bit of both. So I intend to share with you some of my favorite photos from last year.

So well, introducing: January 2007.

I have my pratical training in Kungälv, where I follow a singing teacher at a high school. I'm the one or two days a week, and I always leave the place tired (sometimes completely worn out and ready for bed at half past four in the afternoon), happy and inspired. She is an amazing teacher and I learn so much from her!

If the weather is nice, I take a walk along Östra Gatan afterwards. I love these little houses (continuing Sunday's house theme), and I love reading the sings that tells me who lived there in the 17th or 18th century. It's so nice to walk here.

different rains

The light has been marvellous today. It's as if the weather haven't been able to make up its mind; it's been raining, then some rays of light, then both at the same time, and all the time a stubborn, playful wind.

It happens that people (even I, on occasion) tire of the Göteborg weather, and I can understand that. What I don't understand is how they can say that it's always the same. It is not ever the same. There are thousands of different rains, and many of them are shimmering and immensely beautiful. Days here are often grey, but it is a living grey that makes a perfect background to any other color, it makes everything brighter, like the intense blue and red above. It has been a good day indeed.



Here's a picture of two of my best friends, the boyfriend and my monster (I bought him just recently, I just couldn't resist. Do you see how big he actually is?). They are both sitting behind me in my armchair right now as I write this. Life is nice.

to dress more like Rainbow Brite

A few days ago, I talked with some friends about what were our favorite TV series when we were younger. Mine are easy: Rainbow Brite and Jem and the Holograms. I haven't thought about any of them in a long while, but now they they were there, I suddenly felt an urge to see them again. I had to struggle a little to get to see them already as a child: they aired on channels we didn't have, so I watched them at friends' places and such. I had the first episodes of Jem and the Holograms on video, and watched them over and over (I still know many of the songs by heart).

But that tape is long since gone, so I've had to turn to YouTube. I haven't had much time to see it, but the little I've seen (of Rainbow Brite so far, since the memory of that is so much more distant) is making me childishly happy and giddy.

And I can't help but thinking; Rainbow Brite is about a little girl who wants to give more and brighter colors to the world, and Jem and the Holograms about a girl who wants to sing and make music. Dang it did I choose my path that early?! :)

So well, I decided to try and dress more like Rainbow Brite. Not just "today I'm wearing two shades of red and some blue", more like ... "today I'm wearing green, yellow, blue, red, white, brown and some pink". My wardrobe is full of color, this shouldn't be too difficult. I love color too much not to wear it every day! The photo below is from yesterday, Johan took it as we were walking to church.



+ scarf: åhléns
+ green jacket: vila
+ red jacket: ginatricot
+ mittens: gift from my mother
+ dress: h&m
+ bag: made from an IKEA fabric
+ pants: topshop
+ socks: knitted by my mother
+ shoes: cheapo

In the first episode, Rainbow Brite says her quest is to bring color and happiness to the world. Well, so is mine. :)

dreams of a little beautiful house

The boyfriend and I took a walk through Änggårdskolonin today, enjoying looking at all these lovely houses. I could so do this: grow old and live in an apartment somewhere nice in Göteborg (like Guldheden, where we live now, and both love) and have a little cottage like one of these, to spend summer evenings Sunday afternoons and what not. It's in the middle of Göteborg and yet it's another world.

That last house is my favorite. We'd have one just like that, and our apartment would be somewhere nearby so we could walk there on warm evenings. I'd have a studio, with big beautiful windows and lovely light, to make my collages in, and Johan would sit with one of his most beloved books and jazz records, and we'd drink lemonade in the garden.

choir & calm

Rehearsal with the chamber choir all day. We rehearse in a church, and the acoustics are amazing. I'm still not too fond of the Johannes Passion though. I'm finding Bach a bit boring. But I like my choir, and today was the best so far with this piece, so it was nice anyways.



I spent the evening with the boyfriend. There was a big lindy party going on and I went there, only to go back home after about three dances. My back hurt too much, which usually makes me so sad and bitter that there's no use in staying. The boyfriend hugged me an fed me chocolate muffins until I felt a bit better.

beautiful light

Things feel a little bit better now. I just want to tell you that so it won't sound like everything is completely dark, because really, it isn't; bright things still happen, although more seldom, or although I am so tired of the situation that I have a hard time seeing them.

However, today I had the most lovely chamber music lesson. We, a flute player and a guitarist and me, had our very first lesson with this new constellation (we change ensembles every semester) today and our teacher is just amazing. He asked me how I was feeling, I told him a little bit about how my life feels right now, and then he worked the whole lesson (90 minutes) to make me feel comfortable in the music, so that we would really make music. It made me happy, truly happy, to sing today.



On my way home I saw this amazing light at Korsvägen. It had been raining all day and then suddenly, just a few rays of sunlight made my world this spectacular. Those things can really make my day. And then I've spent the whole evening with the boyfriend, making chocolate muffins and playing Carcassonne. Today has been the simple life I've been craving and I can only hope it will last for a little while, so I can rest.

I suddenly felt an urge to tell you what's been going on, which is a ridiculously bad idea since I should be off to school in about five minutes, but well, here goes.

I am completely worn out. Last semester at school was, like you've seen if you've been reading here, extremely busy, and the only way I managed to pull through with the high demands on me (from me, my teachers and the school mentality in general) was by thinking "this is the worst semester of the entire education. Everyone says that. It will by over soon. Come January, everything will be easier and I'll have time left to do what I truly love again".

But after the Christmas break, about one week into the spring semester, I was there again. I still felt the pressure, the demands, and there was no time whatsoever to relax, make collages, read, take long walks outdoors, even spend time with friends. I felt (still feel like) all I did was being at school, practising, going back and forth on the tram, and trying to take care of all the practical details of a life (doing the dishes, getting something to eat, talking to the boyfriend, getting some sleep).

So, I've come to realise that I need to take a break from school. It is not music that is the problem, but the mentality at school (nothing is ever good enough - you are never good enough - always keep working to get better - never relax in what you already have and are - keep struggling, keep struggling, keep trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough) has slowly crept inside of me and is now crawling in me like a strange creature that I certainly didn't invite, and it's eating my musical joy, more of it every day. There is almost nothing left of it now. Yesterday I managed to gather enough musical joy to enjoy rehearsing with my jazz ensemble - but then, my jazz ensemble has nothing to do with school, it's just for fun ...

There is no solution to this. I will take a break in September (I would have wanted to leave immediately, but that's not really possible). But how I'll stand it through these three months before summer break, and what in the world I will do to make a living come September, I do not know. People take a break from school to work a year, but something's telling me that a year at ICA Maxi won't really make me happy, either ... Because the only thing I want to do is DO NOTHING. I daydream about doing nothing.

And I dream about wanting to make collages again. I haven't made anything with my own hands since August, did you know that? And I miss it. But since my collages started becoming popular over at Flickr, I can't even make collages without thinking about what others will think of them ... without preparing to be judged. Yes, I know that nothing's forcing me to put them on Flickr if I make any, or show them to anyone at all, but the attention I got was like a drug, something I got used to and started craving ... And when the pressure of that - the thoughts about whether others would like my collages or not - became too much for me, I stopped making collages, because they took more energy from me than they gave, which has never been the case before.

I don't go to the lindy hop social nights, either. I don't feel like it.

Okay, I really have to go to school now. I have to force myself. I don't go to all my classes. All I want is lay still in my bed, eat muffins and ice cream and watch cheesy movies. I don't even want to listen to music.

I don't even want to listen to music - I do it, but out of habit and to not feel lonely. To think there were days when I couldn't wait to get home to listen to a certain CD! To think there were days when I longed to practise, to work with my voice and piano playing! And since music is my everything, now that I'm losing it, I have nothing left.I am completely lost. And tired, so tired.

Just a quick note to tell you that I'm hosting this swap over at swap-bot. If you save leftovers and scrap papers and magazine clippings and other nice pieces of papers, and would like to get three surprise packages with parts of someone else's collection, make sure to join in the swap. I've received the most lovely pieces of paper in this kind of swaps before. Last day to sign up for the swap is March 5 and the packages must me sent by March 19th.

I need to calm down. I need time to create. I need to feel that I'm good at doing what I really love doing. I need time. I need to stop focusing on what others will think. I need time to let things sink in and grow slowly. I need to find that true joy in music that has seemed lost lately.

I need to get out of here.

First real day at school and I feel strangely lost. Is this what I am doing with my life? Singing teacher? why? Will it make me happy? Is it what I have longed for? (Yes!) Is it what I long for today? And if not, why this sudden change? What has happened during this winter month?

I am sure it is something that will pass, but it is scary nevertheless. This is a scary place, you have to fight your way here, and if you don't make friends, if you are not popular, you will have no oppurtunity to sing ... I cannot doubt myself, if I do, I will be left behind.

I am in doubt.

Just a short note to tell you everything is allright, no, everything is much better than allright: I am almost ridiculously in love, so that nothing else really seems to matter, and I feel like I could drown in something warm and fuzzy that moved into my apartment with Johan. Who doesn't really live here, of course, but three floors down isn't really that big a difference from here.

- - -

Have been thinking I'll start putting the wardrobe_remix photos here, too, as well as on flickr. Another benefit of having a boyfriend: there is someone who doesn't tire of taking pictures of me ... And who has exactly the same camera that I had before it broke :)



Here is a picture from a few days ago. I'm starting to get a little tired of this grey weather ... We've had almost no snow at all and now we can look forward to at least two, maybe three more months of grey rain, mist and chilly winds. Lucky I have my strawberry hat. I seriously love it and hope I'll never lose it (cross your fingers for me, because I'm a master of coming home without mittens and hats and scarfs and stuff with no clue of where I left/ dropped them).

+ strawberry hat: had it since I was little
+ mittens: birthday gift from hanna & lisa
+ coat: h&m
+ scarf: handed down from my grandmother
+ sweater: handed down from my brother
+ pants: topshop
+ shoes: cheapo, bought at shock

Declaring 2007 complete ... (as suggested by Andrea Scher in her blog)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
I completed my first year at the Academy of Music. I am proud that I did not give up even when I felt like I am the worst singer on the planet and that I could never make a living of my singing. I am proud that I did not let others push me into a choice that I do not want; the choice between genres. I am proud that I keep figthing to be both a classical and a jazz singer.

More than that I am proud that I have come so far in understanding that I don't need _many_ friends but _good_ friends. I am proud that I have so much love to give to my dear friends and that I done my very best in nurturing my relationships during this year, also when there was little time.


2. What is there to grieve about 2007? What was scary? What can you forgive yourself for?
I forgive myself for singing badly and for thinking that I don't work hard enough. I allow myself to feel that I did my best. I forgive myself also for not succeeding in this, sometimes; I am not a bad person when I feel like I am the worst singer in the world, I don't have to feel guilty or be ashamed of my low self-esteem. I forgive myself for having complained to friends about how bad I am and how little I deserve my place at the Academy of Music.

I forgive myself for letting the whole summer pass without doing the musical theory assignments (and for still not having done them). I forgive myself for feeling that I didn't do a thing the whole summer. I forgive myself for not being creative, and for feeling that I HAVE TO be creative all the time to be loveable. I do not have to listen to people who claim that people who don't have a summer job and/ or travel a lot are lazy, uncreative and a waste of space ... and I forgive myself for feeling bad about it, too.

The last few months of 2007 was scary, because I had too little time for my friends, for myself and for my true musical joy. I intend to not let this happen again, but I can forgive myself for living that life without stopping myself from wanting to do too much too fast.

I grieve that I haven't been inspired to make collages. I grieve that the musical studies made me so busy that I had little or no time to make friends at school.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
2007 was a good year! A happy year and I intend to look at it as the start of something new, something strong and safe that I will continue to build upon during 2008.
2008 is my year of loving myself completely!

The Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera (there are a few photos in the photo blog) yesterday was simply lovely and wonderful in every aspect. As we stood at the doors afterwards, waiting for everyone (there were about fifteen of my lindy hop friends there), we looked at each other, almost as if we had just woken up from a dream. How could nine hours pass so fast? It could have been fifteen minutes for all I know.

I felt a little bit like Cinderella; is it already over? I had changed into ordinary pants and sweater, as it had begun to snow outside and I didn't want to ruin my dress. My friends looked at me and said "oh ... yes, that is what you look like most days ...", as if they didn't consider the pants and tee shirt-clad Kristin the real one, but rather the Kristin floating around in a red shimmery haze. Because that's what I was, that's what it all was: shimmering. People were staring (admiringly!) at me all night, probably because I am a good dancer (and how I enjoy the waltz and viennese waltz, rumba and foztrot, even the occasional cha-cha; everything is lovely with a good leader, in a ball gown, and with an opera orchestra), but I think it was because I was beautiful, too. It was an amazing feeling.

Today the world is covered in a wet, white blanket. I know Göteborg: this will not stay, the footprints I see from my balcony are already dark, my windows are covered with drops. But as I intend to stay indoors today, enjoying this Sunday with something creative (drinking hot chocolate for example (I wonder if there is any milk on the fourth floor, I've ran out) and working with a photo album which I have neglected for too long), I won't notice. Everything looks white and snowy and soft from up here.

Been intending to link to this amazing photographer for a while, but I've forgotten. I no longer remember where I got the link but I am sure you will love this as much as I do: Jan von Holleben's Dreams of Flying.

2007 was the year of the apartment. I moved in on the 4th of March, but I was asked if I wanted the apartment (and said yes without hesitation) sometime early January, so I spent the first two months dreaming and scheming, getting second hand furniture, planning what photos I wanted on my walls and looking through boxes of mugs and plates I've been saving. I knew I'd be happy here and yet I have been happier here than I could ever imagine. Coming here is coming home, every time, no doubt about it. I've noticed that I actually talk to my apartment like normal people would talk to a cat when they come home: hello dear, how've you been today? Been a good day, hasn't it? My apartment greets me by waiting for me, with calm, like my morning light.

2007 was my first year at the Academy of Music, a year which didn't turn out at all like I had planned - in bad ways and in good ways. I thought it would be easier socially; I thought it would be easier to get to know people and make lots of new musician friends with whom I could sing and play and be happy. Truth is, reality disappointed me a little at first. But after a while I realised that I'm not someone who will network because it's necessary; it's just not my thing to do. The people who know everyone may be more successful, or better musicians, but I will not go out of who I am to be appreciated and/ or popular.

My future as a musician is unsure, but what the hell, I will follow happiness wherever it takes me, and for now, it's keeping me safe and sound right where I am: with one classical pianist, one chamber music ensemble and one jazz ensemble, two choirs, one swing song ensemble and one guitarist. 2007 laid a solid ground for me to stand on, and I know where I want to go: more singing, more different inputs, more inspiration from every kind of music there is, more merging of styles and mixing of genres. More hard work, and more pure, lauging-out-loud musical joy.

2007 was a great dancing year, a year with my first Herräng Dance Camp and a year when I was asked if I wanted to become a lindy teacher - which I now am, with Kristian, who is an amazing dancer. It's been taking a lot of hard work, time and planning, but it's given me a lot more than it cost. During 2007 I went from being a fast learner somewhere in the intermediate area, having danced lindy hop for only a year, to being a dancer who is capable of analyzing my own dance and see all the things I need to work on to become a better dancer. It's a wonderful development and one that I am very grateful for.


And 2008?

I will sing, and I will dance, because it is what I love and it is what my life consists of. Fall was so stressed out that I didn't really get to enjoy my life to the fullest, I can see that now. And why would I live if not to enjoy it, the richness of it? Because it is rich, it is so rich. I intend to be calmer. I have said it before. I need to make it a mantra, impossible to forget or run away from. I need to be calmer.

As for the apartment I will move in two months, not because I want to (what wouldn't I do to stay?!) but because the contract was for a year and not a day more. Things will be harder when I'm back at my parents' place (I'll be staying with them for a couple of months), it will be more difficult to remain calm and happy. But I'll do my best.

I have Johan now, too, and I so look forward to starting this new year with him, to see where life takes us and this relationship that is evolving between us, like a creature of it's own, small and soft, swirling, living - I never looked at a relationship quite this way before, but this time, it really is something in itself, something that I can look at while it grows (and how it grows!), something that happened almost without me knowing it - as if one day I woke up and he was there, next to me, having landed there while I slept, unsuspectingly ... Yes, it still feels like that: when I woke up this morning, it took me a short while to realise that I hadn't been dreaming: that there was someone sleeping right behind my back, holding me very gently in his sleep.

Kväll i min gröna fåtölj. Har läst ut Vill Ha Mer av Katarina Bjärvall, helt sjukt bra och inspirerande; ser redan fram emot att smälta den lite och sedan läsa den igen. Fötterna i blöt - sådär varmt att jag ryser när jag pluppar i fötterna i baljan. Dagboken i knät, och Breakfast at Tiffany's, som jag tyckte det var dags för mig att läsa. Glass i mintgrön skål, till lika delar för att det är så gott och för att lindra svedan i halsen. Pojkvännen min skulle komma upp vid tolv. Jag tar och går och lägger mig så länge. Godnatt!

Back from five days of lindy hop in Stockholm, I've come down with the usual lindy cold. It's just impossible to go to a camp and dance with so many people without catching something, specially since we hardly rest. So right now I feel like a swollen ugly octopus with a sore throat, and a jellyfish where my brain once used to be.

Still, it was worth it. Despite how tired and worn out I was already when I came to Stockholm (Christmas was calm and lovely, but three days wasn't enough to pay for all the stress during autumn), it may have been the best classes I've ever taken. I learned so much! Can't wait to get well so that I can go to a social dance night and try everything new.

I had my best New Year's Eve for years. Lisa and Hanna arranged a dinner for twelve people, and then we went up on a hill from where we saw most of Göteborg, with all the fireworks. Despite my not feeling my best, it was a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have the friends I have. Johan was invited too (I didn't have to lift a finger to arrange that - he was already invited through another friend, how I love it when that happens!) and so he was officially introduced to two of my best friends. I'm so happy everyone seems to like each other.

For now I'm just going to spend a few days being calm, doing nothing, hoping to get well in time for the Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera on Saturday.

Been trying to think of something to write during the whole week, for example something about the boyfriend, or the Christmas break that I have so deserved and that is finally here (since Tuesday), but I don't know, I seem to have spent all my spare time kissing said boyfriend (or laying on his couch listening to Keith Jarrett's Köln Concert and being ... happy) or preparing for Christmas (stuff like getting a tree and decorating it and finding gifts for my family).

What I can say is that it's been a crazy semester. I managed to scrape up the very last of my energy to get all the assignments done - to my great surprise I even took the music history exam! But I'm hoping it will never be like this again. That was not the life I want to live, and I still believe in my own ability to create the life I want. I'm going to do what I can to cut down on things to do and demands from others and myself, not to be this busy and stressed out, come spring.

I intend to spend these three weeks just resting. I want to nurture parts of me that I've neglected for a while (like reading! Listening to music while not doing anything in particular! Practise knitting! Making collages!) ... And I'm not going to sing or play a single note that I don't love.

I'm at my parents house for Christmas (I have my camera with me but forgot the cable, so I can't upload anything for now), and on Wednesday I'm going to Stockholm for the Snowball, which is going to be great. I wish you all a very blessed Christmas.

Heheheheee. För några dagar sedan gick jag med i en Facebook-grupp som heter "Vi som borde öva men fastnar framför YouTube" för att det är ... så klockrent.

Och det är ju en sak när man tittar till exempel på olika körers versioner av Lauridsens O Magnum Mysterium (som nog är ett av de vackraste musikstycken jag har i mitt liv just nu. Och som Härlanda Kammarkör ska göra på Julsång i City i Domkyrkan, tisdag 18 dec kl. 17:45. Det blir fantastiskt, kom och lyssna!). Eller hur olika dirigenter tar sig an Appalachian Spring. Jag får rysningar! Jag menar, sådant är ju ändå godkänd procrastination eftersom det är musikrelaterat och alltså bidrar till vidare musikalisk utveckling. Att titta på sådant som bara är roligt dock, det borde vara förbjudet ...

Här har två finfina:
100 höjdare #18 Björn Skifs glömmer texten
Cat Talking

Jag känner mig ungefär som när Kristoffer och jag en gång för (mycket mycket) länge sedan såg Mickey Blue Eyes på bio och jag skrattade så mycket på det där stället (foggettabaddiit) att folket i bänkraderna till slut började skratta åt mig. Ojojoj, ojojoj.

Här är det klippet förresten. Jag skrattade så mycket när jag såg det nyss att min klasskamrat Andreas som sitter vid datorn mittemot var tvungen att fråga hur det är med mig. Håhåjaja :)

På tal om procrastination, så är det här (blogg- alt. hemsidesuppdaterande) värsta formen, för man kan hålla på hur länge som helst ... Okej Kristin, back to work. My One and Only Love väntar.

Yesterday was such a good day that I woke up all happy and giddy today and had to stay in bed for an extra hour to listen to some seriously good music and just be happy (now that I read it it looks like it doesn't really make sense - I know that most people would associate "I had to stay in bed for a while" with something negative - but it wasn't that I didn't want to get up, it was just ... I had to enjoy the happiness a little before officially starting my day, do you see what I mean?).

Then I had the best singing lesson for weeks (I haven't had any bad lessons lately, but this one was just amazing, I felt like I really evolved), and then I met with my repetitör (I don't have time to look that up; it's a person who work at school who is probably the best piano player ever and with whom I meet now and then to go through some songs) and I got some SERIOUSLY good compliments on my singing. I'm not worried at all about the singing exam on Monday, I just look forward to it, it's marvellous :)

Note to self: only spend time with people who make me a better and more thoughtful person, who make it easier for me to love myself, and with whom I feel completely safe.

Now I have to get back to some songs I'm arranging for trumpet, trombone and saxophone (God Bless the Child, There Will Never Be Another You, Stella by Starlight, Like Someone in Love, Tenderly and Well You Needn't (personally I think we could just erase the years 1950-1980 from jazz history because this modal thinking is SO much more time consuming the the chord thinking ... It's interesting, it's just that I don't have the amount of time right now to do a well planned and working arrangement that I can be proud of. And I don't like creating things that I'm not proud of. But well)). Maybe I should just take Crystal Silence instead of Well You Needn't. Slower is easier to arrange :)

This is the good life.

This week is RIDICULOUSLY busy. Just wanted to say that. I will be posting again after the 18th, because then it's CHRISTMAS. I haven't had time for anything Christmasey yet (except for the yearly, unavoidable baking of gingerbread (ginger snaps? What is the difference?) with Lisa and my mother yesterday), but I have this semester's last exam next Tuesday and after that I intend to do nothing (except going to the Snowball in Stockholm for New Year's). Until the 14th of January! Longest Christmas holiday ever. Yay!

P.S. We have found a new pianist for the jazz ensemble and will play together for the first time on Thursday. Of course, nothing is settled, you never know if you'll work together musically, but I think we all look forward to it quite a bit, and I'm hoping it will work. Happy happy!

Some days, when I feel low and try to make myself feel better, just the simplest of thoughts suffice: this apartment. my friends. lindy hop. singing. and so on.

Other days, I need something more specific. Unfortunately, on those other days, the specific things (an unexpected compliment or surprise. Someone calling to just randomly tell me they love me. Not missing the bus. A party to look forward to. Getting something that I've pushed in front of me for a while, finally done) can be so hard to find.

This is one of those days.

You know, while doing the dishes today, I actually thought "people with boyfriends/girlfriends, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". I soon realised there must be millions of people right now thinking "people with a home/ a family/ parents/ friends/ peace/ an education/ food everyday/ an income/ good health, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". That made me shiver. I have so much, I am so rich, and not only materially.

Some days, I am as happy as I should, because as happy as I "should" is exactly as happy as I can be. I have the possibility of taking in all of the wonderfulness in my life, of breathing it, the happiness. I am very good at happiness, the way I automatically let it float through me. Other days ... What is it with these other days? Why can't I stem these feelings?

The first, say, year or so, after my last disastrous relationship, was wonderful. No one stopping me from what I wanted or deserved. Only me to take care of! But now, I'm getting - I don't know ... It's not desperate, not yet (my friends have promised to warn me if I get too close to desperate. That's just not a fun place to go). But still. I wouldn't mind someone, I woulnd't mind being in love, I really wouldn't, right now. There, I've confessed that. What a weakness.

Får man lov att bli intresserad av någon för att han pratar så fin dialekt?

Godis är bra för/ mot allting! Nu äter jag bilar samtidigt som jag reharmoniserar Tune Up. Går skitmycket bättre!

Åh, nej! Jag är på väg in i en "liten svacka". Kallas även "bluffperiod" eftersom den kännetecknas av att man går och väntar på att någon ska upptäcka att man är en bluff, alltså, att något ska ha gått fel; att det inte alls var meningen att man skulle komma in här.

För ja ... för andra verkar det ju så "ååh" och "ooh" att gå på musikhögskolan, musikhögskolan liksom, det låter som att man är så duktig, på musik. Och så går jag här och känner mig dålig. På musik. Jazzarrangering håller vi på med i teorin och jag ligger naturligtvis efter; nu när jag försöker sitta med det känner jag mig som ett frågetecken, lite som att det inte hjälper hur mycket jag än läser instruktionerna, för att jag har missat någonting innan, någon slags musikteoretisk grund, som "alla andra" tycks ha. Och dessa mina stora svagheter inom teorin gör som vanligt att jag undrar varför jag kiom in här egentligen. Varför kom jag in här egentligen? De allra flesta är ju duktiga på antingen gehör eller teori; jag har varken eller. Vad är det jag har?

Jag skulle vilja ha något som är min grej, liksom, något som jag är bra på.

Summan av kardemumman är att just nu känns det som att det måste vara skitenkelt att komma in här eftersom jag kom in, samt vad håller jag egentligen på med? Jag utbildar mig ju ändå till arbetslöshet, det vet vi. Så lite jobb som det finns, så duger det inte att hanka sig fram så som jag gör, och lite halvt (i bästa fall) klara av teoriuppgifterna och kammarmusikuppspelet, man måste vara på topp, på topp måste man vara. Hur ska det bara gå?

This is the morning light I wake up to.

Things that make me happy today:

+ The concert with Härlanda Kammarkör yesterday was heavenly. The church was completely full, there must have been 500 people there! And I think we were great, I really do. I think I might actually love my choir! So many of my sweetest friends were there to listen, and everyone seemed to have truly enjoyed the music (Requiem by Rutter, O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen, Jubilate Deo by Britten and some other works). Oh I can't wait until our next rehearsal, and then Julsång i City, that will be lovely too!

+ The unexpected party that Hanna and I joined Saturday night. It was already late when we got there, and people spoke slowly with soft voices about art and poetry. And I got to try to play the sitar!!! How cool isn't that! It is obviously a very complicated instrument and I barely managed to hold it right, let alone manage to play a whole scale, but it was fun nevertheless ... even though my fingertips hurted afterwards.

+ The invitations to all sorts of Christmas parties and gettogethers that have started to show up.

+ My planning for my Christmas tree :) My mother and I went shopping for some food two days ago, and I figured I may as well buy the tree stand now, so that I won't forget it (ornaments and stuff are more fun to buy, so I don't think I'll forget them as easily).
- Here is one! my mother said.
- But that's to small, a real Christmas tree won't fit in there! I said.
- What, are you going to have a big tree?
- A REAL tree! I said.
Because this may very well be the only time in my life I have this much space (I think could fit five Christmas trees in my apartment if I wanted too) and I WILL have a REAL Christmas tree! :)))

+ Listening to Gene Harris' Summertime and feeling in my whole body how good it is to blues dance to that with someone that I feel very safe with. Must remember to thank Joakim for having taught me most of what I know about counter balance, without which I would never have been the dancer I am now.

+ The folk music concert and party that I attended at Folkmusikcaféet Friday night. The concert with Kraja, a Swedish folk song group of four, was magical. Their voices are so beautiful and their arrangements truly inspirational. After that, Tidig Tisdag played until late, and I learned how to dance polska and schottis and folklig vals and polka and it was just plain fun, I couldn't stop laughing!



And there's more: I have the whole week off!!! :) For several reasons which I won't explain here, we had to move my practical training (I'm not sure that's what it's called? It's when I'm at a music high school (or any other school with singing teachers) with a singing teacher, following everything she or he does, and taking care of some of the singing lessons myself).

I was supposed to have that this week, but it will be in January instead, on my Christmas holiday - which is wonderful. A month off for Christmas is too much for me, I would get restless and long for school to start. Now I have a three week long Christmas holiday (which is the percect length according to me) instead, I'll get a much better practical training than I would have had this week, and I have this whole week off to rest and get some school work done. I love it!

Here's what I intend to do this week:
- Sleep until I wake up every morning.
- Get the music theory assignments done.
- Work some extra hours at the library.
- Sleep some more.
- Practise knitting.
- Play the piano.
And that's it! :)

(And yes, the lost files I talked about the other day, were recovered, with some detective work and some help from the school's computer people. And who knows, I may even let you listen one day or another :))

Logic Express has seriously EATEN my sound files. Anders and I recorded a double bass and voice duet the other week and now that I want to work a little with it, Logic Express is destroying the files before my very eyes. More and more of the sound is disappearing every time I open it and I don't understand what's wrong! AAAAAARGGGHHH. It wasn't a serious recording or anything, not even in a real studio, but it still don't feel like doing it all again. Dagens i-lands, men ja.

At school we have this great little thing called basgrupp. We're divided into small groups of four or five students who meet with a teacher regularly to talk about, well anything, but mostly this fall about how we are coping (or not) with the huge amount of school work. We write journals and send them to the teacher in advance so she knows what we need to talk about in the group.

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about self-esteem and self-confidence. Suddenly our teacher looked at me and said:
- What are you good at?
- I'm good at singing! I said.
And I felt so happy that I had to smile. It was like a gift, like candy, something warm that melted in my mouth, to realise that I had said it out loud, with pride, and not only that: I had said it instinctively, withouth thinking, like something fixed, unstoppable. It was the first thing I thought of.
- And more?
- Uhhm ... Lindy hop!
- And more?
- I'm good at hugging.
- And more?
- Uuuuuhhh ... (Now it became more difficult; I felt more careful, fumbling in a way; trying to say things slower, as if there would be someone or something protesting if I sounded to sure of myself.)
- I'm good at making collages. Making nice notes at lectures ... Paper stuff in general.
- And more?
- Well I - languages, I mean I speak French ... and I guess I'm rather good at English, too ...
- And more?
- ... Uuuuhhmm ... I don't know anything else ... Photographing, maybe, maybe I'm good at that, I don't know ...
- See? You are good at an amazing amount of things, you should be proud of all this!

And she is right. I should be proud! It was such an interesting exercise, to have to spontaneously name all the things I'm good at. The things I love. Because this is obvious; all the things that came to mind are things I love, truly LOVE to do. I should be able to say this without being ashamed: I am good at these things.

There are so many of them, too! I didn't see that as clearly, before. But maybe the part of me that I am the most proud of (apart from my strong and unruly ability to love) is that I'm interested in so many things. (This typography book I have found, have I told you about it? It's beautiful.)

The problem is that in everything I do, I want to be among the best (or I should say, I sometimes want to be the best. I am not always like that). In collages I sometimes feel the need to compete with illustrators, people who draw and collage for a living, people who went to art school. Same in photography. In English I want to be as good as native speakers! (Yes, I can hear how ridiculous this sounds, but I never said there was any logic to my feelings.) And so on and so on.

I'm working on letting go of all these demands, everything I require from myself. I've gotten far from where I started, but there are still things to deal with - of course. Until I'm there I'll just to my best to enjoy all the things I love.

Joanna Newsom | Cosmia

Hanna: - Vilket slarvarsel han är!
Kristin: - Va?
- Ett slarvarsel! Säg med mig nu ... på norrländska. Slarvaschel.
- Slarv ... arsel?
- Aschel!
- Ashel?
- Ssssccccchhhh!
- Shhhh?
- Men längre bak i mun! Scccchhh.
(Jag försöker, Hanna skakar beklagande på huvudet.)
- Men nu tar vi en kurs. Till exempel: "Gu va han ä oschi!"
- Va?
- Gu va han ä oschi!
- Men jag kan ju inte säga något som jag inte vet vad det betyder!
- Men det betyder typ, oschig betyder att man roffar åt sig. Om godis till exempel. Det handlar ofta om mat. Eller ... mat är det enda jag har hört det om. Eller som min mormor sa häromdagen: "Nå intärlehär otängt utti!".
- Men nu skämtar du. Otänkt uti?
- Men uti betyder som "i det här". Alltså, det är inte otänkt i det här, alltså jag har tänkt, på det här.
- Ni är så konstiga däruppe.
- Nähä. Vi är lugna och harmoniska.
- Men det är ju en myt att norrlänningar skulle vara mer harmoniska än vi andra.
- Men jag är skitharmonisk! Eller den här: "Nånojerrhebrao!".
- Som betyder?
- Att det är bra.

This was one of those mornings when you wake up ridiculously happy and giddy and don't know why until you remember that last night was the best dance night in a long while. Oh, I love how it stays in the stomach overnight like that, it's like magic :)

It was Duke's Place, and I usually never have my best dance nights on those occasions. Socially, yes, but dance-wise, no. I always dance better at our ordinary Mondays, when we're just dancing in our own building, in ordinary clothes, nothing fancy. Duke's Place and such - 300+ people, a big band, a much bigger venue, Saturday night, all that - it doesn't work quite as well for me.

But last night was FABULOUS, completely perfect! Kristian and I taught the crash course (about 150 people who had never danced lindy before - quite amazing) and from there I just ... I don't know, kept on going? We got so many nice compliments on our teaching and on the fun-ness of the class, which made me happy, so it was a great start. And we were asked if we'd like to teach a beginner's weekend in Strömstad, where they want to start up some lindy dancing, in March. That would be loads of fun! Most things are fun with Kristian. We've started working on some nice stuff we want to teach in the intermediate/advanced course that starts in January. Anything that makes me giggle (or scream/ laugh hysterically, which also happens) will be used, that's a safe trick for knowing what's good :)

The big band was good too - Vintage Jazz Big Band, a bunch of old men with big smiles and a good feeling for the old stuff. I can't stand big bands who play neoswing and the likes on lindy occasions. Blah. However. Joakim was in town, so I got to dance a bit with him, which was great. It's always good to dance with someone that you've danced a lot with in the past, you understand each other better, the momentum is smoother, it's a bit like coming home. It is, after all, rare (at least if you're not on a higher level than I am) that you reach that amount of awesomeness when dancing with someone for the first time. (It does happen, though. Marty, get back here!)

This Sunday is mine, to use for what I want. I think it will be some general hanging around in the apartment, doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and just enjoying the happiness. Sounds good to me.

Oh, dear! I completely forgot that I've promised to tell you how the buy nothing month went. And that's almost two months ago. Well, here goes: It was PERFECT, completely wonderful!

It was so liberating. I felt very strong, as though nothing would affect me - neither trends nor sales signs (I don't know about you, but sales signs often make me feel exactly what they want me to feel - that I have to buy lots of stuff right now or else it will be too late (too late meaning, I will be un-trendy and ugly and people won't want to be with me)). I felt that it saved me time, too. Instead of thinking "I need new shoes - when do I have time to try and find a pair that I want?", it was just "do I really need new shoes or do I just think so because capitalism wants me to buy more?".

There were some difficult situations, of course, like when Maria and I wanted to share a pint of Ben & Jerry's for dessert after eating dinner at my place, and wanted to go and buy it, but I couldn't - so she had to buy it. Which was not what I intended when coming up with the buy nothing month rules. We both wanted the ice cream, and we both ate it, so I may as well have paid for it now that it actually ended up being bought anyway.

As for clothes, paper and other stuff that I usuallt buy, it was all easy and good. I just used what I already had and was completely happy with that. It was so good!

Then, of course, during the last week, something did affect me ... my sugar addiction. Everything was so stressful in September (as you may have understood if you've read here) and I needed sugar to cope. I didn't manage to resist it, in the end. So, the thing that I needed first, was candy. Doesn't it sound ridiculous? I'm trying not to be ashamed of it, but it's not easy.

Which, of course, made it quite obvious what will be the natural step after this: candy-free month. Because I don't want to be addicted to sugar - at least not as much as I am now. It's not so much for health reasons (I am growing quite fond of my belly the way it is, these days) as for the whole addiction thing. Today I was getting a headache, and then bought a Twix, and when I had finished it the headache was gone! I had no idea it worked like that. Can one get headache from (imaginead) lack of sugar? If so, I need to end this immediately.

But since it is an addiction, it won't be easy ... Trust me, I've tried to quit eating candy several times. It has lasted for about two weeks ... So I'm not sure as of what to do with this, yet. I'm thinking a whole month is too much to start with - if I fail (and I think I will) I'll ony feel lousy. Shouldn't you always put up goals that seem reasonable and reachable?

So. The buy nothing month will be back, definitely. Not December - I am not ready for that kind of challenge yet, but maybe January or February, we'll see. As for sugar, I'll try to cut down on it, but that will need some great deal of character. Wish me luck!

Åh, den sötaste grejen hände igår! Vi repade madrigaler, och jag sjöng lite krattigt först, så jag utbrast i ett "jag är så DÅLIG!". Men sedan kom jag på mig och la till (fortfarande med ögonen ned i noterna) ett "... just nu, alltså, jag menar inte jämt utan bara just vid den är genomsjungningen alltså!". Och sedan tittade jag lite försiktigt upp på Sofia och Gustav. De försökte se lite bistra och stränga ut, men började skratta.
- Men det är ju en förbättring i alla fall?!" sa jag.
- Ja, som varandes din kammarmusikensemble under hela våren kan man absolut säga att det är en förbättring! sa Sofia. Och sedan kramade jag dem.

Mina finaste! Det är en sådan TUR att jag hamnade i samma kammarmusikensemble som dem i våras (man byter varje termin, reds. anm. I våras spelade vi Buxtehude (Sofia är violinist, som bilden visar, egentligen och Gustav pianist), och nu under hösten sjunger vi madrigaler i kvartett. Egentligen skulle madrigalerna vara ett sidoprojekt till andra kammarmusikensembler, men för mig blev det inte så eftersom jag var tvungen att skala av så mycket som möjligt; vokalkvartetten blev min enda kammarmusikensemble den här hösten, tyvärr). Jag hade ju så otroligt låg självkänsla gällande min klassiska sång och över lag min, enligt mitt tycke, oberättigade vistelse på musikhögskolan. Och de bara lyssnade och peppade, outtröttligt! Sa ifrån på skarpen gjorde de också, men bara när jag precis behövde det. Åh, bästa.

Arvo Pärt-konserten med kyrkomusikerkören igår gick förresten tokbra. Det är i sanning ett fantastiskt verk och ljuvligt, om än krävande, att sjunga. Det var helt slutsålt, så det funderas på att vi ska göra om det i början av våren.

Annars har det varit en finfin inspirationsdag idag. Lunchkonsert med sex nyskrivna låtar av MuAa2 (på ren svenska: afromusikernas årskurs två), skådespelarfyrornas "Att gestalta kön"-föreställning (en magisk fridans- och rörelseföreställning: magnifikt, jag blev så lycklig; och som alltid med fridans gör det lite ont i magen, och det står klart för mig än en gång att jag fortfarande sörjer fridansen ... men jag kan leva med det) och ett par dugliga föreläsningar, samt lite pianoövning, och så har jag planerat lindykurs och bluesdansat med Kristian (det tycks omöjligt nuförtiden att planera utan att bluesdansa, vilket iofs är helt förståeligt, varför avstå från att bluesdansa liksom). Hanna är på väg hit, för myskväll. Det goda livet.

The "I only hear the compliments" strategy I have been using since Friday is working like magic. I may have been smiling constantly since, the joy in the music is back, everything is back. I can't believe it was that easy. (Maybe it wasn't easy; maybe it took me all these years to get here. Maybe it will go away. I don't care. I am smiling, now.)

And I have been giving more compliments, too! Today in the cafeteria I saw a guy who I take a few classes with (but we haven't really spoken, and I only know his name, instrument and genre (isn't it typical ... at my school, instrument and genre is more important to some than your name)). And I could hardly look away! He has cut his hair and become insanely good-looking, the difference was quite stunning. Not that he was ugly before, of course, but it was just ... something. Well, so I went up to him and told him that, and he looked as though he would melt when he said thank you! That was so nice.

Then, when at the grocery store, I told the woman behind the counter that I loved her hair (she had light horizontal stripes in it on one side, it was great). And she sort of stopped for a moment and then smiled and said "that made me happy!". "I'm glad it did", I said.

And then tonight I was down on the fourth floor to ask for some explanations to things that made me curious (such as why do we have different seasons). One of the guys who explained weren't there when we looked at stars on Saturday, so I hadn't met him before, and before I could stop myself I had said "you have such a beautiful speaking voice!". He did look at me as though I was a bit crazy, but then he smiled, and asked what I meant. "It's very melodic", I said, "very comfortable to listen to". (And I know that may have been a weird compliment, but for someone like me who listen to people's voices a lot, a nice, freely used, melodic speaking voice without tension (especially a male voice, I often find them softer) is like milk and honey. And his was truly gorgeous, very smoothe. I immediately start wondering if he sings and what that sounds like).

And it was so easy, for me. Talk about nothing to lose and everything to win. Oh, how I love smiling.

The elevator stopped on the fourth floor and three people walked in. They were carrying two mysterious big black things, and they must have seen me wondering what it was, because after the "hellos" one of them said "it's okay, ask away!" with a smile.

It was a home-made telescope.
- We are going up on to the water tower to look at Mars, they explained, it's clearly visible right now.
It's a rather cold Saturday night, the air is crisp. As we walked out on the road outside our building, one of them said:
- You are a lindy hopper, aren't you?
A bit surprised, I nodded and asked how he knew that. It turned out that he had been to one of the crash courses Kristian and I have been teaching at Duke's Place. "And it's not weird you don't recognize me since there were two hundred of us and only two of you", he said, so as to help me out of the embarrassment of not having a clue who he was.

However, the conversation had started, and it kept on going. I found out that two of them live in a collective in the corner apartment of the fourth floor (Sam, who I think knows everyone in the whole building, has told me about it), that one of them (a young man named Anders) had built the telescope himself with the help of a friend of Lisa's who I like a lot (it's a small world) and that they were very nice.

- I should turn lefthere, I said as we reached the turnaround at the end of our very short street.
- Unless you want to look at Mars and some stars with us? they said.

This star thing has been a fascination of mine for a long while (and would be even more so if I weren't the kind of person who wants to know and understand almost everything - I don't have time to learn as much as I would like to about every subject there is). I try to make it to the observatory in Slottsskogen once every winter, to just look at stars and have things explained and ask lots of questions and learn the names of stars and constellations and what comets really are made of and why stars seem to be blinking, all these things inspire me and make me curious.

I love being out in the woods, where there are no houses or streets and the sky looks as though sprinkled with a fine dust - have you seen it? When you suddenly realise that there are stars everywhere, everywhere in between the brighter shining dots that would usually be all you'd see up there; how the night sky that's just a matte reddish grey with a few white star dots when in the city, suddenly turns all silvery with the light from thousands of thousands of stars ...

But there was much to see even now, in the middle of all of Göteborg's light pollution. Stars ... I know why it's difficult to see the Pleiades if you look right at them, and how to find Polaris; I know what Cassiopeia, Orion and the Swan look like and that Castor and Pollux (named so after a pair of twins in a Greek myth) are the two brightest stars in the Gemini constellation; I know that Vega is a bright shining star in Lyra and that Bellatrix and Betelgeuse are in Orion. But there is so much more out there! Anders seemed an inexhaustible store of knowledge concerning these matters. I could have stayed a lot longer, weren't it for the fact that I was on my way to the balboa night, and therefore wore a pair of rather thin dance pants.

- How nice to have finally met you, I said, I have been wanting to invite myself for fika at your place for a while now.
- Oh, do that, soon!, they said, laughing a little. I sometimes forget that not everyone is used to my way of inviting myself in for fika - nor to my direct way of talking.

What do I want to say with this? Maybe that I still believe in the beauty and magic of unexpected meetings? That there is more good than evil in the world? That there are friends everywhere if only you try a little (and I really didn't need to try that hard)? Or maybe just that I like stars.

A little bit of this and that ...

+ As seen on the photo blog: Great news! :) I remembered that I can use the lens from my old analog camera with my new(er) digital one. Happy happy! The proportions are a bit weird and it doesn't work quite as well as the other one did, but hey, any photographing is better than no photographing. So I'm thinking I'll use this one until I've saved up some money do buy a new one, or maybe I can wish for it for Christmas.

+ Yesterday morning I thought that since I've spent years and years only remembering the bad things, the criticisms, the sarcasm, I'd spend this one day only listening to the compliments. And it was SO GOOD! And there were so many of them! How can I have not heard all these beautiful things before? I've been all happy all day, I intend to keep on living like this forever.

+ I'm looking forward to having some more time for the collages and arts project in the weeks to come. I've been missing it a great deal while dealing with all the school projects, homework and assignments, so I'm hoping to be able to make a whole lot of collages soon!

+ During the Te Deum (Arvo Pärt) rehearsal yesterday, the first one with full orchestra, everything clicked into place and the music, which has been so hard for me to form in my mouth, started forming itself and just floated out of my mouth. I love it when that happens, it's so rewarding to feel things loosen up a little bit, after weeks of work with a headstrong piece that didn't let me in at first.

+ I've been in town with Hanna all day (and Lisa part of the day). It's been lovely and I found a perfect black dress and cardigan (to wear when singing with choirs on finer occasions when black is required), and some other really nice things that will be shown sooner or later. I look forward to showing you my new ring which will be worn all the time with anything and everything.

+ I am now registered for the Snowball, a six-day lindy and balboa camp in Stockholm over New Year's. I thought that I'd have to cancel that to pay for a new lens, but since I found another solution I can still go, hooray! It looks like all the good teachers except for Vincenzo & Isabella will be there (as in Peter & Ramona, Frida & Skye, Henrik & Joanna, Steven Mitchell etc.). So looking forward to it! (If only I can found a place to stay when I'm there. We decided to get train tickets and all, but we've no idea where we'll be going to sleep ...)

Now I'm off to the balboa night. I haven't been dancing balboa for a while (seeing as planning the lindy classes has taken a lot of time) so I'm hoping I won't embarass myself ... Nah, it will be great!

So, what happened was this: I was walking in a corridor at school, and suddenly started thinking about the whole situation. I realised that almost every time I get criticised - no matter about what - every word sticks and stays and hurts, and every time a teacher says something negative (even if it's constructive - things I really need to hear to evolve), I think that I'm the only one they ever need to say negative things to, and in my ears the smallest comment sounds like "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE". But if I get a compliment or if a teacher says something good (which happens, often), I automatically think that they say it just to be kind or because they have a good day, or to cheer me up a little bit.

This simply CANNOT BE TRUE.

Not even I am stupid enough to not see that.

So I made up my mind that there will be an end to this kind of thinking. I'm tired of it. I need to get back to how I felt this spring and the first weeks of this semester, when music was all joy. I'm working on it. Go me!

So. It wasn't just the filter of my camera that's broken. It's the whole damn objective lens (I think that's what it's called in English, I looked it up). And it will cost me 2000 to get a new one (only slightly more than it would cost to have it mended, and that would take between six and eight weeks).

That's money that I just don't have right now. I don't know what else to say about this.

In school I'm suffering from a serious down- ... down what? A serious down? It's not so much that things aren't working, than that I believe that things aren't working - which is a huge difference. I'm still working with my self-confidence, and things have gotten A LOT better these past few years, but well ... I have a long way to go!

I guess the stress of these past months have eaten all my energy, so that there's been nothing left to keep me believing in my own musicality - which certainly does take a lot of energy, some days ... When the music is working and I feel like I could sing anything, it's easy. But when my voice is tired and I sing out of tune and all that, it's almost impossible, but still necessary: I need to know that my very own personal style and musicality is there, underneath, in me, all the time, and that it will show itself another time, another day, when I have slept better or feel lighter or feel safer (or whatever it is that bothers me without me knowing it. It could be the smallest of things, that makes singing more difficult. It could also be the smallest of things that makes it easier again, but I tend to forget that).

I need to believe that I am capable of doing everything we are supposed to do at school, and what's more, I need to feel that my efforts are enough. That I can't do more than what I already do. Why shouldn't my work be enough when everyone else is? Why must I always require more from me, always more and more and more? I do my best. I need to believe that it is good enough.

I also need to believe that I'm a good and loveable person even on my bad music days. That I have a value also without the music.

I just don't know how that's done, right now.

Here's a poem by Maya Stein (who has written many other wonderful things, for example a poem that is so soothing and inspiring that I have printed it and taped it onto the inside of my door, so that I can read a random line from it every time I walk out in the world - but more on that another time), a poem that so seems to fit this day, this struggling week of mine.

scrubbing the pots or a lesson in courage

What did E. Roosevelt say? "You must do the thing
you think you cannot do"? This morning, it seemed impossible
to meet the deadline of the garbage truck, or avoid the dogs,
or clean the kitchen of its tomatoey detritus, or figure out
the words for a poem I had promised.

Of course, Eleanor meant something a little grander
than hauling recycling to the curb or relieving the pets.
I don’t think she was talking about scrubbing the pots, or poetry.
Still, what better initiation into courage than the small miracle of a finished task,
clearing a space where life is waiting to be seized and shaken.

That would be me! Totally no make up!

The Suburban Queen, one of my inspiration sources when it comes to clothing and general colorfulness (gosh if only I did the thrifting bit as well as she does!), wrote a post on make up and the (lack of) use thereof. One paragraph in particular was so good that I may as well quote it, here goes:

"What I am quite anti is the rhetoric of "taking care of yourself". Making it sound like it's dirty or unhealthy not to do these products. Unless you have a medical skin condition, you won't need a fancy creme to "take care of yourself". And that's not what you're paying for, either. About 40% of the price of more lux beauty products is pure air - it's the cost of the image. Furthermore, you most certainly don't have to cover up your face in order to "take care of yourself"! That thought gives me the creeps. If and when you want to take care of yourself, please take a second to think about what you need, not what needs are created for you. I hope this doesn't sound too patronizing, but it's not a small scale issue. The beauty ideals are a huge deal. Cosmetics is a huge industry."

I couldn't agree more! As for myself, I still have acne, and I would probably look better (whatever that means? And why do I/ we think it's "better"?) with make up. But I haven't used make up since I was about fifteen, for feminist reasons (apart from stage make up, of course). This weekend, though, Hanna asked if I'd let her curl my eyelashes. I said yes (even though I find it quite uncomfortable to have a metal thing that close to my eyes, and still keep them open). The difference was huge! I looked like someone else - and, it feels odd to say it, but - I looked like someone prettier ...

And I think it would be interesting to know how it's done, the whole make up deal. Because I don't. Girls and women - and some, but few, men - get years of everyday practice while growing up, and maybe that's what it takes to get all that in order. Since I missed out on that, I just don't know how to do it (stage make up is completely different from everyday make up; it is, of course, much less subtile, much more of everything, much less complicated, you just have to think about what lighting there will be on the stage).

Thing is, I think I might like doing it. It looks rather fun to me. What I don't like is when people can't leave their house without make up - I know too many of those. I wouldn't want to end up there. I don't need lots of time to get ready, and I like it that way.

However. I won't reach a conclusion to this whole thing tonight, it's way past bedtime. I think I'll let Hanna take me out on a make up shopping tour, and then teach me how it's done, and then I can choose whether it suits me or not. I don't have all my personal "rules", as people like to call them, just for the sake of having them, or because someone tells me to. I can change them whenever I want to.

I'm rather picky about jewellry, too. (If it's not round flat earrings, because if it is I'll take the lot! :)) If I'm supposed to wear something "extra", something "more" than just clothes (as in, something that takes more than two seconds to pick and put on) I want it to really be something extra; I want it to be something special, noticeable. Preferrably I want it to mean something (which is rarely achievable to a reasonable price, but well). Actually that might sum up how I feel about make up, as well ... I wouldn't mind using make up now and then, just for fun. But I like to keep it simple, natural if you will. And anything that takes more than two seconds in the morning is not simple :)

However, if anyone feels like giving me a late birthday gift (or any kind of gift really), I'm still in love with these earrings. They are just AMAZING and would suit me perfectly (even though not even 10% of my friends would understand just how funny they are). I'm liking this heart too. Just so you know :)

Just wanted to tell you that I've added a link to my last.fm profile on the right. So if anyone is interested in what I'm listening to, go have a look! For a sneak peek, here are my ten most popular artists according to last.fm (the last.fm account is not completely accurate; I have most of my music on CD:s, and my computer is old and buzzes worse than my fridge (which is to say a lot), so I never keep it on if I'm not actively using it. But I must admit that these artists give quite a good idea of my taste in music at the moment. If only you add the classical bits and some of the old singer/songwriter goodness).

1 Chet Baker
2 Ella Fitzgerald
3 Clifford Brown
4 Jonas Knutsson
5 Terence Blanchard
6 Nando Lauria
7 Bob James
8 Sarah Vaughan
9 Linda Pettersson
10 Copeland

Thank God I have Copeland up there too, or it would have looked like I've turned into some sort of jazz maniac! Oh dear!

Hur man vet att ens vän läser till läkare

Sam: Jag måste banta!
Kristin: Va?! Varför det?
S: För jag börjar bli tjock!
K (tittar menande på sin mage): Men ska vi jämföra eller?
S: Nej, det ska vi inte! Du är tjej och tjejer ska vara tjocka!
K: Va?
S: Ja, det är bara lite subkutan charm.

I'm back from a well-needed, well-deserved mini vacation in Karlstad. Note to self: when tired and unhappy, visit friends! My friends Hanna and Jonas live in Karlstad this fall, while working with Wedding Singer (a musical, baed on the movie) at Värmlandsoperan. The show was great fun, and I got a tour of the theatre before it started; I got to see their warm up, the wigs, the make up people, their preparations, their horrifying 80's clothes. I took a few steps on the stage while Hanna did her soundcheck. Hanna must've seen my face. Do you miss the stage? she asked.

I do.

Later in the evening I sat in their couch with their adorable cat Milda purring next to me, and felt the calm I've been lacking these past few days slowly flowing back.

Tonight: Dinner and movie (Delicatessen, which both Sam and I have seen several times before, but it's so worth seeing again!) with darlings Lisa, Hanna (another Hanna - I have two of them, but I don't know what to call them to separate them from each other) and Sam. Well-needed and well-deserved, too.

Nej, det går faktiskt inte att skriva om något positivt idag, hur jag en anstränger mig.

Exempel på saker som har gått fel idag:
+ Jag kom dåligt förberedd till SAMTLIGA lektioner och presterade dåligt på SAMTLIGA lektioner. Mina lärare tittar så besviket på mig. Jag hatar det, hatar det, och jag får ont i magen.

+ Stämrepet på Pärts Te Deum vi hade på eftermiddagen var så pinsamt att jag var tvungen att gå därifrån för att inte börja gråta (bokstavligt talat). Det skar sig något otroligt och det var JAG som sjöng falskt, det var MITT FEL att det lät för jävligt.

+ Vi bestämde oss för att lägga jazzensemblen på is. Det är ingen som hinner, vi lyckas aldrig hitta reptider. Men jag hade glatt mig så åt den här jazzensemblen, och det gör mig så glad att ha något musikaliskt som inte har med skolan att göra, som är prestigefritt, bara jam, bara lek tillsammans med människor jag tycker mycket om. Det är numera ett minne blott.

+ Sen upptäckte Sam medan jag var på toa att min kamera är trasig!!! Jag har inte använt den på några dagar och alltså inte tagit upp den ur fodralet. Men nu ville han pilla lite på den och då såg vi att linsen var spräckt! Jag bara skrek rätt ut! Sedan såg jag att det var UV-filtret som hade krasat, inte själva linsen. Andades ut lite. Men filtret hade i alla fall fastnat, och jag vågar inte skruva loss det av rädsla för att repa linsen med alla de där små jävliga glasbitarna. ÅNGEST ÅNGEST.


Sam sa att jag i alla fall kan skratta åt det. Att när det blir såhär extremt så måste man bara skratta åt det. Och så skrattade vi åt det en stund. Men han skulle iväg och spela tennis, så nu är det tomt här igen.

Det värsta är att den där bostadsångesten genom att allt har varit så jävligt idag har vuxit och bildat någon sorts allmän livsångest på följande teman:
+ Jag utbildar mig till arbetslöshet och kommer aldrig få jobb
+ Jag kommer få flytta ut i förorten och vantrivas
+ Ingen kommer någonsin bli kär i mig utan jag kommer få leva ensam i resten av mitt liv

Och vidare på samma tema, ni förstår. Och jag tänker bara att den här dagen får vara slut snart, innan det hinner hända något mer dumt.