I got sick! I can't believe it, I got sick. Like I wrote in my last post, the first days here weren't perfect, but I was really making an effort to not see that and instead see all that is good about New York. And then, while we were at the MoMA (which, by the way, was a huge disappointment even before I got sick - it was pretentious and crowded and the works of art weren't at all placed interestingly) I started feeling week and tired and nauseous (don't know if that is the right word for what I actually mean but it sounds like it on wikipedia) and had to go back to the hostel and lie down. I spent all of yesterday in bed, too. This morning I felt a lot better, and so we went to the free opening of the brand new Museum of Arts and Design (which, of course, was brilliant and very inspiring). But when we had eaten lunch the nausea returned and here I am at the hostel again. I've lied down for a couple of hours and basically I'm fine whenever I'm not moving or eating ... Which makes enjoying New York quite difficult.
I can't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Things could have been so much worse and yet ... I had looked forward so to this vacation, and so far, it's been more of a disaster than anything else. Johan is still in a good mood of course, not at all acting like this is not the vacation we had wanted, because that is his personality. He just accepts circumstances and is happy and at ease anyways (not happy, of course, that I am ill, but he doesn't let it bring him down either, he just takes care of me with a smile instead of being disappointed). As for me, I'm so diappointed I've cried a little and I still can't see what's so great about this big mess of a city.
And what am I to write on postcards, and tell people when I get home? I always write loads of postcards, I love sending things in the mail (even though I rarely get anything back). But what am I going to write? "We really loved the Metropolitan Museum or Art, but that's pretty much it"? "I'm sick and this city stinks?"
And why in the world do I care about what other people think about how I feel about New York? Why am I supposed to enjoy this place, so far from home? Why do I feel that I have to do what is expected of me, and why is it expected of me?
Why?
6 comments:
Å, stackars Kristin! Va tråkigt att bli sjuk! Kan inte skriva så mkt uppmuntrande till dig men strunta i vykorten, skriv dem hemma i gbg istället om att du har kommit hem till goa Sverige. Förhoppningsvis blir du snart bättre och då är det lättare att vara positiv som Johan. Oavsett om detta blir en fantastisk resa så kommer det iaf bli en stor upplevelse och det är oxå värt nåt! Stoor kram!!
kristin, jag kommer genast att tänka på en konversation vi hade om ditt tågluffande för ett par år sedan. någon sorts irritation över andras förväntingar på dina egna resor, och att det känns som att man inte "får" längta hem.
även om det är tråkigt att du är sjuk så är det kul att läsa att new york är så hemskt. det är ditt new york jag vill läsa om. inte det new york jag eller någon annan har i huvudet.
skriv mer om din resa!
Usch, stackars dig! Jag tycker nog att du kan tycka precis så synd om dig själv som du vill. Tråkigt att bli besviken på något man peppat så för, och att dessutom bli sjuk och inte kunna göra det bättre.
Hoppas att du kryar på dig och att NY-resan i alla fall slutar braOch det finns andra resor att göra, och allt sånt där.
Ja, jag säger som Robin, det man vill läsa om är ju DITT New York och jag tycker att det du skrev att du inte kunde skriva på vykorten är precis det du ska (kan) skriva, jag skulle alla gånger hellre vilja få ett sånt vykort (som skildrar _verkligheten) än ett "allt är bra wish you were"-kort som inte egentligen berättar nåt alls.
Vill också påminna om en grej som Keri har skrivit: "A wise person once described adventure as 'discomfort in retrospect' (I don't know who wrote this). I have it painted on an old piece of wood at the entrance to my house. It usually garners smiles from new visitors, but it serves as a little reminder to me every time I leave my comfort zone. It says to me, 'It's o.k. to experience discomfort.' So often I spend a lot of energy trying to not be uncomfortable, fighting anything I don't like in an effort to feel good. Why is it that we expect this, it is not the natural state of being. There will be many days when we are tired, cranky, fearful, constipated, overstimulated, headachy, bloated, teary, frustrated, forgetful or even sad. These are all 'natural' states of being too."
(http://www.kerismith.com/blog/archives/000049.html)
KRAM
I felt just the same way you did when I visited Prague and Berlin earlier this year. I never adjusted to the time, and I didn't really love Prague the way I thought I had, and so I just lay in bed in the darkness hating myself for not enjoying my vacation. I spent time thinking of all the ways this meant there was something seriously wrong with me. (I am fortunate enough to take trips and then I don't even enjoy them! What a poor human being!)
All of this to say that I know how you feel. And I still have plans to write you letters. I have just been so busy. So chin up, at least some mail will come soon!
vad fina ni alla är och vad glad jag blir! och att ni påminner mig om sådant jag behöver höra! tack, tack!
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