you will find it

I got a lovely e-mail from my friend Arne yesterday. Part of what he wrote was this: "... it's totally ok to say 'I dont know ... and I dont know what I want'. Just stick to that ... and don't try to hurry or rush out of it. You will find it". And in reading that I suddenly felt how right he is. I have my whole life in front of me ... and I needed that permission so much! That I am allowed to not know, and even more importantly, to not try to rush out of it. To be allowed to stay here.

I woke up happy both this morning and yesterday. This feels like a HUGE step forward from the dizzyness and general lowness that the medicine I talked about brings. I used to wake up happy most of the time - I could be very tired and want to sleep for a couple of hours more some days, but I used to be happy anyway - happy with my life, with having a whole new day in front of me. and this is how I felt this morning. I was so thankful to have it back.



And so, these two days have been good, good days. I can look back at September and October and acknowledge that it wasn't fun ... but I have energy to hope for a nicer November and December, now. I don't know if my body is getting used to the medicine, which my doctor hoped, or if it's something else, but I'm not going to analyze possible reasons for well-being. I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

So here is - yes, it's been a while, but I just can't force them - a good old "good things" list.

+ My doctor, speaking of which, is so good that she deserves a paragraph in the list all by herself. She is the best in the world and I am so so grateful to have finally met her! She is the fifth doctor I meet concerning this same issue, the first who has truly listened to me, and the first who has been able to think up a possible reason and treatment. For ten years I have heard from other doctors that "oh, that will pass in time". Well, it didn't. And now I am getting help. About time!

+ Yesterday the boyfriend and I took a walk around town, in that perfect crisp autumn weather that I love so much. Had some falafel and bought baubles for the Christmas tree (I know, I know ... it is early. But last year I saw so many beautiful ones and then thought "no, I'm going to wait until it's closer to Christmas so it will really feel like Christmas when I buy them" and then they were all gone. And I bought some new rolls of gift wrap too. Yes, I am addicted to gift wrap. Yes, I am proud of it.



+ I just got home from a great fika with Bersa. Good good good.

+ I need to get some new clothes. I'm not buying any clothes this for a year, as you may know - except for necessary things, and now some things have become necessary. I have, for example, two pairs of pants that still fit, and one of them is for summer use only (or I'll freeze my ass off no matter how many pairs of tights I wear underneath). That is one pair of usable pants, my friends ... I'm going to have to get another pair. Just one though! And I'll be needing warm shoes soon. But I think that's that. (Other things I have bought are three pairs of tights, because autumn in Göteborg is intolerable without them, and five pairs of socks, because well, socks are socks and they are known to have a life of their own. That's all since the first of July.)

+ I'm listening to Brahms' Requiem. I love Brahms' Requiem.

Oh, look at how easy it was to write something when ... well, when things started happening again :)

think it cruel but sometimes

I've lost all sense of direction. I don't know what I want, what I want to do, what I want to be, I don't know if I want to stay at the academy of music, I don't know what I want to create, nothing. Mostly I want nothing. I don't talk to friends. I don't know why. I think I want to, but I don't have the strength to make an effort. And so I'm lonely. And I am stuck. And why am I still sick? Why doesn't it get better? Why am I still coughing? Why does my throat still hurt? I can't sing like this! Not that I want to - but I have to.


I cling to these words.

Every now and then life says
Where do you think you're going so fast?
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

(Ron Sexsmith: Gold In Them Hills)

no fun

So I haven't posted in a while. That is because I'm taking a medicine at the moment (long story, but nothing serious) that makes me unhappy. As in, I cry a lot, about the smallest of things, I don't want to leave the apartment and yet I get extremely restless, I cannot think rationally about anything, and it feels like there is nothing in my life but problems and disappointments (it doesn't matter that I know on some level that this is not true - I can't stop those feelings when they decide to take over). I also caught a rather nasty cold. So basically that's why I haven't been blogging.

I'm trying to sit still to let my body do its work and get rid of this cold for me, but I'm restless, so restless. I keep thinking about all the stuff I've had to cancel over the past few days, I keep wondering for how long I will be stuck in this ... It's so difficult to accept the situation, that this is what my life looks like right now and that it's necessary for me, for some reason. I'm planning to read a lot of Keri Smith today and hopefully create something nice to cheer me up (between the coughing attacks). And eat a lot of ice cream.

finally autumn

Autumn is officially here with all the wind, rain, early evening darkness, and beautiful trees. It all smells marvellous, I'm loving every breath.

All of this brings me large amounts of new energy and so next week's theme will be Finding Myself. This includes shutting out all of the "extra" stuff I surround myself with, thoughts and feelings on how I should be, how I should live - most of it coming from the internet. And so, next week will be internet free. Hopefully this will give time for other things, such as books, lunch dates, making phone calls, painting and, if I get rid of this cold, dancing.

Things to look forward to this week:
+ Avishai Cohen concert tomorrow (will be so cool!)
+ Working on Lauridsen's wonderful Lux Aeterna with the choir on Tuesday
+ Going to Dalsland over the weekend to take walks in the forest and spend time with my aunt & uncle

Wish me luck and see you next Sunday!

(Photo from last fall, taken by Linda.)

flying home

I can't help but feeling that this trip has been, well, quite a fiasco. And a very expensive one, too. I am so happy for your sweet and kind comments on my last post, and they made me feel a little better. "Adventure is discomfort in retrospect" ... yes, there are probably loads of things to learn from this trip, even though right now I just want to go home and forget the whole thing.

We did manage to get the best out of these last few days, though. The nausea thing got better ... and instead I got a rather nasty cold. At least it was easier running around the city without being afraid I might throw up (which I never did, but it was still very uncomfortable to think I might). So we took the boat to Ellis Island to go to the immigrant museum which was quite fascinating (seeing as that is quite the height of history they have here), and we went back to the Met for another day because we loved it there, and we went to Guggenheim and saw a brilliant, big exhibition of all of Catherine Opie's work which made me want to learn to photograph. And yesterday was paper shopping day, so now I just want to go home and make stuff.

Flight leaves this afternoon and we'll be home at about noon tomorrow. I'm quite worried. I'm not at all afraid of flying but I have flown with a could once before, when I lived in Lyon, and it was downright horrible. I felt as though my head was going trying to grow rapidly, painfully and in all directions at once (or else just explode). It was quite awful and this time I have a nin hour flight to look forward to. Oh well, wish me luck.