Ever since New Year's I've been wanting to do some sort of photographic summary of that first year with my new camera, but I've had neither time nor inspiration to start it. Now I find myself, surprisingly enough, having a little bit of both. So I intend to share with you some of my favorite photos from last year.

So well, introducing: January 2007.

I have my pratical training in Kungälv, where I follow a singing teacher at a high school. I'm the one or two days a week, and I always leave the place tired (sometimes completely worn out and ready for bed at half past four in the afternoon), happy and inspired. She is an amazing teacher and I learn so much from her!

If the weather is nice, I take a walk along Östra Gatan afterwards. I love these little houses (continuing Sunday's house theme), and I love reading the sings that tells me who lived there in the 17th or 18th century. It's so nice to walk here.

different rains

The light has been marvellous today. It's as if the weather haven't been able to make up its mind; it's been raining, then some rays of light, then both at the same time, and all the time a stubborn, playful wind.

It happens that people (even I, on occasion) tire of the Göteborg weather, and I can understand that. What I don't understand is how they can say that it's always the same. It is not ever the same. There are thousands of different rains, and many of them are shimmering and immensely beautiful. Days here are often grey, but it is a living grey that makes a perfect background to any other color, it makes everything brighter, like the intense blue and red above. It has been a good day indeed.



Here's a picture of two of my best friends, the boyfriend and my monster (I bought him just recently, I just couldn't resist. Do you see how big he actually is?). They are both sitting behind me in my armchair right now as I write this. Life is nice.

to dress more like Rainbow Brite

A few days ago, I talked with some friends about what were our favorite TV series when we were younger. Mine are easy: Rainbow Brite and Jem and the Holograms. I haven't thought about any of them in a long while, but now they they were there, I suddenly felt an urge to see them again. I had to struggle a little to get to see them already as a child: they aired on channels we didn't have, so I watched them at friends' places and such. I had the first episodes of Jem and the Holograms on video, and watched them over and over (I still know many of the songs by heart).

But that tape is long since gone, so I've had to turn to YouTube. I haven't had much time to see it, but the little I've seen (of Rainbow Brite so far, since the memory of that is so much more distant) is making me childishly happy and giddy.

And I can't help but thinking; Rainbow Brite is about a little girl who wants to give more and brighter colors to the world, and Jem and the Holograms about a girl who wants to sing and make music. Dang it did I choose my path that early?! :)

So well, I decided to try and dress more like Rainbow Brite. Not just "today I'm wearing two shades of red and some blue", more like ... "today I'm wearing green, yellow, blue, red, white, brown and some pink". My wardrobe is full of color, this shouldn't be too difficult. I love color too much not to wear it every day! The photo below is from yesterday, Johan took it as we were walking to church.



+ scarf: åhléns
+ green jacket: vila
+ red jacket: ginatricot
+ mittens: gift from my mother
+ dress: h&m
+ bag: made from an IKEA fabric
+ pants: topshop
+ socks: knitted by my mother
+ shoes: cheapo

In the first episode, Rainbow Brite says her quest is to bring color and happiness to the world. Well, so is mine. :)

dreams of a little beautiful house

The boyfriend and I took a walk through Änggårdskolonin today, enjoying looking at all these lovely houses. I could so do this: grow old and live in an apartment somewhere nice in Göteborg (like Guldheden, where we live now, and both love) and have a little cottage like one of these, to spend summer evenings Sunday afternoons and what not. It's in the middle of Göteborg and yet it's another world.

That last house is my favorite. We'd have one just like that, and our apartment would be somewhere nearby so we could walk there on warm evenings. I'd have a studio, with big beautiful windows and lovely light, to make my collages in, and Johan would sit with one of his most beloved books and jazz records, and we'd drink lemonade in the garden.

choir & calm

Rehearsal with the chamber choir all day. We rehearse in a church, and the acoustics are amazing. I'm still not too fond of the Johannes Passion though. I'm finding Bach a bit boring. But I like my choir, and today was the best so far with this piece, so it was nice anyways.



I spent the evening with the boyfriend. There was a big lindy party going on and I went there, only to go back home after about three dances. My back hurt too much, which usually makes me so sad and bitter that there's no use in staying. The boyfriend hugged me an fed me chocolate muffins until I felt a bit better.

beautiful light

Things feel a little bit better now. I just want to tell you that so it won't sound like everything is completely dark, because really, it isn't; bright things still happen, although more seldom, or although I am so tired of the situation that I have a hard time seeing them.

However, today I had the most lovely chamber music lesson. We, a flute player and a guitarist and me, had our very first lesson with this new constellation (we change ensembles every semester) today and our teacher is just amazing. He asked me how I was feeling, I told him a little bit about how my life feels right now, and then he worked the whole lesson (90 minutes) to make me feel comfortable in the music, so that we would really make music. It made me happy, truly happy, to sing today.



On my way home I saw this amazing light at Korsvägen. It had been raining all day and then suddenly, just a few rays of sunlight made my world this spectacular. Those things can really make my day. And then I've spent the whole evening with the boyfriend, making chocolate muffins and playing Carcassonne. Today has been the simple life I've been craving and I can only hope it will last for a little while, so I can rest.

I suddenly felt an urge to tell you what's been going on, which is a ridiculously bad idea since I should be off to school in about five minutes, but well, here goes.

I am completely worn out. Last semester at school was, like you've seen if you've been reading here, extremely busy, and the only way I managed to pull through with the high demands on me (from me, my teachers and the school mentality in general) was by thinking "this is the worst semester of the entire education. Everyone says that. It will by over soon. Come January, everything will be easier and I'll have time left to do what I truly love again".

But after the Christmas break, about one week into the spring semester, I was there again. I still felt the pressure, the demands, and there was no time whatsoever to relax, make collages, read, take long walks outdoors, even spend time with friends. I felt (still feel like) all I did was being at school, practising, going back and forth on the tram, and trying to take care of all the practical details of a life (doing the dishes, getting something to eat, talking to the boyfriend, getting some sleep).

So, I've come to realise that I need to take a break from school. It is not music that is the problem, but the mentality at school (nothing is ever good enough - you are never good enough - always keep working to get better - never relax in what you already have and are - keep struggling, keep struggling, keep trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough) has slowly crept inside of me and is now crawling in me like a strange creature that I certainly didn't invite, and it's eating my musical joy, more of it every day. There is almost nothing left of it now. Yesterday I managed to gather enough musical joy to enjoy rehearsing with my jazz ensemble - but then, my jazz ensemble has nothing to do with school, it's just for fun ...

There is no solution to this. I will take a break in September (I would have wanted to leave immediately, but that's not really possible). But how I'll stand it through these three months before summer break, and what in the world I will do to make a living come September, I do not know. People take a break from school to work a year, but something's telling me that a year at ICA Maxi won't really make me happy, either ... Because the only thing I want to do is DO NOTHING. I daydream about doing nothing.

And I dream about wanting to make collages again. I haven't made anything with my own hands since August, did you know that? And I miss it. But since my collages started becoming popular over at Flickr, I can't even make collages without thinking about what others will think of them ... without preparing to be judged. Yes, I know that nothing's forcing me to put them on Flickr if I make any, or show them to anyone at all, but the attention I got was like a drug, something I got used to and started craving ... And when the pressure of that - the thoughts about whether others would like my collages or not - became too much for me, I stopped making collages, because they took more energy from me than they gave, which has never been the case before.

I don't go to the lindy hop social nights, either. I don't feel like it.

Okay, I really have to go to school now. I have to force myself. I don't go to all my classes. All I want is lay still in my bed, eat muffins and ice cream and watch cheesy movies. I don't even want to listen to music.

I don't even want to listen to music - I do it, but out of habit and to not feel lonely. To think there were days when I couldn't wait to get home to listen to a certain CD! To think there were days when I longed to practise, to work with my voice and piano playing! And since music is my everything, now that I'm losing it, I have nothing left.I am completely lost. And tired, so tired.

Just a quick note to tell you that I'm hosting this swap over at swap-bot. If you save leftovers and scrap papers and magazine clippings and other nice pieces of papers, and would like to get three surprise packages with parts of someone else's collection, make sure to join in the swap. I've received the most lovely pieces of paper in this kind of swaps before. Last day to sign up for the swap is March 5 and the packages must me sent by March 19th.

I need to calm down. I need time to create. I need to feel that I'm good at doing what I really love doing. I need time. I need to stop focusing on what others will think. I need time to let things sink in and grow slowly. I need to find that true joy in music that has seemed lost lately.

I need to get out of here.