choir & calm

Rehearsal with the chamber choir all day. We rehearse in a church, and the acoustics are amazing. I'm still not too fond of the Johannes Passion though. I'm finding Bach a bit boring. But I like my choir, and today was the best so far with this piece, so it was nice anyways.



I spent the evening with the boyfriend. There was a big lindy party going on and I went there, only to go back home after about three dances. My back hurt too much, which usually makes me so sad and bitter that there's no use in staying. The boyfriend hugged me an fed me chocolate muffins until I felt a bit better.

beautiful light

Things feel a little bit better now. I just want to tell you that so it won't sound like everything is completely dark, because really, it isn't; bright things still happen, although more seldom, or although I am so tired of the situation that I have a hard time seeing them.

However, today I had the most lovely chamber music lesson. We, a flute player and a guitarist and me, had our very first lesson with this new constellation (we change ensembles every semester) today and our teacher is just amazing. He asked me how I was feeling, I told him a little bit about how my life feels right now, and then he worked the whole lesson (90 minutes) to make me feel comfortable in the music, so that we would really make music. It made me happy, truly happy, to sing today.



On my way home I saw this amazing light at Korsvägen. It had been raining all day and then suddenly, just a few rays of sunlight made my world this spectacular. Those things can really make my day. And then I've spent the whole evening with the boyfriend, making chocolate muffins and playing Carcassonne. Today has been the simple life I've been craving and I can only hope it will last for a little while, so I can rest.

I suddenly felt an urge to tell you what's been going on, which is a ridiculously bad idea since I should be off to school in about five minutes, but well, here goes.

I am completely worn out. Last semester at school was, like you've seen if you've been reading here, extremely busy, and the only way I managed to pull through with the high demands on me (from me, my teachers and the school mentality in general) was by thinking "this is the worst semester of the entire education. Everyone says that. It will by over soon. Come January, everything will be easier and I'll have time left to do what I truly love again".

But after the Christmas break, about one week into the spring semester, I was there again. I still felt the pressure, the demands, and there was no time whatsoever to relax, make collages, read, take long walks outdoors, even spend time with friends. I felt (still feel like) all I did was being at school, practising, going back and forth on the tram, and trying to take care of all the practical details of a life (doing the dishes, getting something to eat, talking to the boyfriend, getting some sleep).

So, I've come to realise that I need to take a break from school. It is not music that is the problem, but the mentality at school (nothing is ever good enough - you are never good enough - always keep working to get better - never relax in what you already have and are - keep struggling, keep struggling, keep trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough) has slowly crept inside of me and is now crawling in me like a strange creature that I certainly didn't invite, and it's eating my musical joy, more of it every day. There is almost nothing left of it now. Yesterday I managed to gather enough musical joy to enjoy rehearsing with my jazz ensemble - but then, my jazz ensemble has nothing to do with school, it's just for fun ...

There is no solution to this. I will take a break in September (I would have wanted to leave immediately, but that's not really possible). But how I'll stand it through these three months before summer break, and what in the world I will do to make a living come September, I do not know. People take a break from school to work a year, but something's telling me that a year at ICA Maxi won't really make me happy, either ... Because the only thing I want to do is DO NOTHING. I daydream about doing nothing.

And I dream about wanting to make collages again. I haven't made anything with my own hands since August, did you know that? And I miss it. But since my collages started becoming popular over at Flickr, I can't even make collages without thinking about what others will think of them ... without preparing to be judged. Yes, I know that nothing's forcing me to put them on Flickr if I make any, or show them to anyone at all, but the attention I got was like a drug, something I got used to and started craving ... And when the pressure of that - the thoughts about whether others would like my collages or not - became too much for me, I stopped making collages, because they took more energy from me than they gave, which has never been the case before.

I don't go to the lindy hop social nights, either. I don't feel like it.

Okay, I really have to go to school now. I have to force myself. I don't go to all my classes. All I want is lay still in my bed, eat muffins and ice cream and watch cheesy movies. I don't even want to listen to music.

I don't even want to listen to music - I do it, but out of habit and to not feel lonely. To think there were days when I couldn't wait to get home to listen to a certain CD! To think there were days when I longed to practise, to work with my voice and piano playing! And since music is my everything, now that I'm losing it, I have nothing left.I am completely lost. And tired, so tired.

First real day at school and I feel strangely lost. Is this what I am doing with my life? Singing teacher? why? Will it make me happy? Is it what I have longed for? (Yes!) Is it what I long for today? And if not, why this sudden change? What has happened during this winter month?

I am sure it is something that will pass, but it is scary nevertheless. This is a scary place, you have to fight your way here, and if you don't make friends, if you are not popular, you will have no oppurtunity to sing ... I cannot doubt myself, if I do, I will be left behind.

I am in doubt.

Declaring 2007 complete ... (as suggested by Andrea Scher in her blog)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
I completed my first year at the Academy of Music. I am proud that I did not give up even when I felt like I am the worst singer on the planet and that I could never make a living of my singing. I am proud that I did not let others push me into a choice that I do not want; the choice between genres. I am proud that I keep figthing to be both a classical and a jazz singer.

More than that I am proud that I have come so far in understanding that I don't need _many_ friends but _good_ friends. I am proud that I have so much love to give to my dear friends and that I done my very best in nurturing my relationships during this year, also when there was little time.


2. What is there to grieve about 2007? What was scary? What can you forgive yourself for?
I forgive myself for singing badly and for thinking that I don't work hard enough. I allow myself to feel that I did my best. I forgive myself also for not succeeding in this, sometimes; I am not a bad person when I feel like I am the worst singer in the world, I don't have to feel guilty or be ashamed of my low self-esteem. I forgive myself for having complained to friends about how bad I am and how little I deserve my place at the Academy of Music.

I forgive myself for letting the whole summer pass without doing the musical theory assignments (and for still not having done them). I forgive myself for feeling that I didn't do a thing the whole summer. I forgive myself for not being creative, and for feeling that I HAVE TO be creative all the time to be loveable. I do not have to listen to people who claim that people who don't have a summer job and/ or travel a lot are lazy, uncreative and a waste of space ... and I forgive myself for feeling bad about it, too.

The last few months of 2007 was scary, because I had too little time for my friends, for myself and for my true musical joy. I intend to not let this happen again, but I can forgive myself for living that life without stopping myself from wanting to do too much too fast.

I grieve that I haven't been inspired to make collages. I grieve that the musical studies made me so busy that I had little or no time to make friends at school.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
2007 was a good year! A happy year and I intend to look at it as the start of something new, something strong and safe that I will continue to build upon during 2008.
2008 is my year of loving myself completely!

2007 was the year of the apartment. I moved in on the 4th of March, but I was asked if I wanted the apartment (and said yes without hesitation) sometime early January, so I spent the first two months dreaming and scheming, getting second hand furniture, planning what photos I wanted on my walls and looking through boxes of mugs and plates I've been saving. I knew I'd be happy here and yet I have been happier here than I could ever imagine. Coming here is coming home, every time, no doubt about it. I've noticed that I actually talk to my apartment like normal people would talk to a cat when they come home: hello dear, how've you been today? Been a good day, hasn't it? My apartment greets me by waiting for me, with calm, like my morning light.

2007 was my first year at the Academy of Music, a year which didn't turn out at all like I had planned - in bad ways and in good ways. I thought it would be easier socially; I thought it would be easier to get to know people and make lots of new musician friends with whom I could sing and play and be happy. Truth is, reality disappointed me a little at first. But after a while I realised that I'm not someone who will network because it's necessary; it's just not my thing to do. The people who know everyone may be more successful, or better musicians, but I will not go out of who I am to be appreciated and/ or popular.

My future as a musician is unsure, but what the hell, I will follow happiness wherever it takes me, and for now, it's keeping me safe and sound right where I am: with one classical pianist, one chamber music ensemble and one jazz ensemble, two choirs, one swing song ensemble and one guitarist. 2007 laid a solid ground for me to stand on, and I know where I want to go: more singing, more different inputs, more inspiration from every kind of music there is, more merging of styles and mixing of genres. More hard work, and more pure, lauging-out-loud musical joy.

2007 was a great dancing year, a year with my first Herräng Dance Camp and a year when I was asked if I wanted to become a lindy teacher - which I now am, with Kristian, who is an amazing dancer. It's been taking a lot of hard work, time and planning, but it's given me a lot more than it cost. During 2007 I went from being a fast learner somewhere in the intermediate area, having danced lindy hop for only a year, to being a dancer who is capable of analyzing my own dance and see all the things I need to work on to become a better dancer. It's a wonderful development and one that I am very grateful for.


And 2008?

I will sing, and I will dance, because it is what I love and it is what my life consists of. Fall was so stressed out that I didn't really get to enjoy my life to the fullest, I can see that now. And why would I live if not to enjoy it, the richness of it? Because it is rich, it is so rich. I intend to be calmer. I have said it before. I need to make it a mantra, impossible to forget or run away from. I need to be calmer.

As for the apartment I will move in two months, not because I want to (what wouldn't I do to stay?!) but because the contract was for a year and not a day more. Things will be harder when I'm back at my parents' place (I'll be staying with them for a couple of months), it will be more difficult to remain calm and happy. But I'll do my best.

I have Johan now, too, and I so look forward to starting this new year with him, to see where life takes us and this relationship that is evolving between us, like a creature of it's own, small and soft, swirling, living - I never looked at a relationship quite this way before, but this time, it really is something in itself, something that I can look at while it grows (and how it grows!), something that happened almost without me knowing it - as if one day I woke up and he was there, next to me, having landed there while I slept, unsuspectingly ... Yes, it still feels like that: when I woke up this morning, it took me a short while to realise that I hadn't been dreaming: that there was someone sleeping right behind my back, holding me very gently in his sleep.

Things that make me happy today:

+ The concert with Härlanda Kammarkör yesterday was heavenly. The church was completely full, there must have been 500 people there! And I think we were great, I really do. I think I might actually love my choir! So many of my sweetest friends were there to listen, and everyone seemed to have truly enjoyed the music (Requiem by Rutter, O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen, Jubilate Deo by Britten and some other works). Oh I can't wait until our next rehearsal, and then Julsång i City, that will be lovely too!

+ The unexpected party that Hanna and I joined Saturday night. It was already late when we got there, and people spoke slowly with soft voices about art and poetry. And I got to try to play the sitar!!! How cool isn't that! It is obviously a very complicated instrument and I barely managed to hold it right, let alone manage to play a whole scale, but it was fun nevertheless ... even though my fingertips hurted afterwards.

+ The invitations to all sorts of Christmas parties and gettogethers that have started to show up.

+ My planning for my Christmas tree :) My mother and I went shopping for some food two days ago, and I figured I may as well buy the tree stand now, so that I won't forget it (ornaments and stuff are more fun to buy, so I don't think I'll forget them as easily).
- Here is one! my mother said.
- But that's to small, a real Christmas tree won't fit in there! I said.
- What, are you going to have a big tree?
- A REAL tree! I said.
Because this may very well be the only time in my life I have this much space (I think could fit five Christmas trees in my apartment if I wanted too) and I WILL have a REAL Christmas tree! :)))

+ Listening to Gene Harris' Summertime and feeling in my whole body how good it is to blues dance to that with someone that I feel very safe with. Must remember to thank Joakim for having taught me most of what I know about counter balance, without which I would never have been the dancer I am now.

+ The folk music concert and party that I attended at Folkmusikcaféet Friday night. The concert with Kraja, a Swedish folk song group of four, was magical. Their voices are so beautiful and their arrangements truly inspirational. After that, Tidig Tisdag played until late, and I learned how to dance polska and schottis and folklig vals and polka and it was just plain fun, I couldn't stop laughing!



And there's more: I have the whole week off!!! :) For several reasons which I won't explain here, we had to move my practical training (I'm not sure that's what it's called? It's when I'm at a music high school (or any other school with singing teachers) with a singing teacher, following everything she or he does, and taking care of some of the singing lessons myself).

I was supposed to have that this week, but it will be in January instead, on my Christmas holiday - which is wonderful. A month off for Christmas is too much for me, I would get restless and long for school to start. Now I have a three week long Christmas holiday (which is the percect length according to me) instead, I'll get a much better practical training than I would have had this week, and I have this whole week off to rest and get some school work done. I love it!

Here's what I intend to do this week:
- Sleep until I wake up every morning.
- Get the music theory assignments done.
- Work some extra hours at the library.
- Sleep some more.
- Practise knitting.
- Play the piano.
And that's it! :)

(And yes, the lost files I talked about the other day, were recovered, with some detective work and some help from the school's computer people. And who knows, I may even let you listen one day or another :))

A little bit of this and that ...

+ As seen on the photo blog: Great news! :) I remembered that I can use the lens from my old analog camera with my new(er) digital one. Happy happy! The proportions are a bit weird and it doesn't work quite as well as the other one did, but hey, any photographing is better than no photographing. So I'm thinking I'll use this one until I've saved up some money do buy a new one, or maybe I can wish for it for Christmas.

+ Yesterday morning I thought that since I've spent years and years only remembering the bad things, the criticisms, the sarcasm, I'd spend this one day only listening to the compliments. And it was SO GOOD! And there were so many of them! How can I have not heard all these beautiful things before? I've been all happy all day, I intend to keep on living like this forever.

+ I'm looking forward to having some more time for the collages and arts project in the weeks to come. I've been missing it a great deal while dealing with all the school projects, homework and assignments, so I'm hoping to be able to make a whole lot of collages soon!

+ During the Te Deum (Arvo Pärt) rehearsal yesterday, the first one with full orchestra, everything clicked into place and the music, which has been so hard for me to form in my mouth, started forming itself and just floated out of my mouth. I love it when that happens, it's so rewarding to feel things loosen up a little bit, after weeks of work with a headstrong piece that didn't let me in at first.

+ I've been in town with Hanna all day (and Lisa part of the day). It's been lovely and I found a perfect black dress and cardigan (to wear when singing with choirs on finer occasions when black is required), and some other really nice things that will be shown sooner or later. I look forward to showing you my new ring which will be worn all the time with anything and everything.

+ I am now registered for the Snowball, a six-day lindy and balboa camp in Stockholm over New Year's. I thought that I'd have to cancel that to pay for a new lens, but since I found another solution I can still go, hooray! It looks like all the good teachers except for Vincenzo & Isabella will be there (as in Peter & Ramona, Frida & Skye, Henrik & Joanna, Steven Mitchell etc.). So looking forward to it! (If only I can found a place to stay when I'm there. We decided to get train tickets and all, but we've no idea where we'll be going to sleep ...)

Now I'm off to the balboa night. I haven't been dancing balboa for a while (seeing as planning the lindy classes has taken a lot of time) so I'm hoping I won't embarass myself ... Nah, it will be great!

So. It wasn't just the filter of my camera that's broken. It's the whole damn objective lens (I think that's what it's called in English, I looked it up). And it will cost me 2000 to get a new one (only slightly more than it would cost to have it mended, and that would take between six and eight weeks).

That's money that I just don't have right now. I don't know what else to say about this.

In school I'm suffering from a serious down- ... down what? A serious down? It's not so much that things aren't working, than that I believe that things aren't working - which is a huge difference. I'm still working with my self-confidence, and things have gotten A LOT better these past few years, but well ... I have a long way to go!

I guess the stress of these past months have eaten all my energy, so that there's been nothing left to keep me believing in my own musicality - which certainly does take a lot of energy, some days ... When the music is working and I feel like I could sing anything, it's easy. But when my voice is tired and I sing out of tune and all that, it's almost impossible, but still necessary: I need to know that my very own personal style and musicality is there, underneath, in me, all the time, and that it will show itself another time, another day, when I have slept better or feel lighter or feel safer (or whatever it is that bothers me without me knowing it. It could be the smallest of things, that makes singing more difficult. It could also be the smallest of things that makes it easier again, but I tend to forget that).

I need to believe that I am capable of doing everything we are supposed to do at school, and what's more, I need to feel that my efforts are enough. That I can't do more than what I already do. Why shouldn't my work be enough when everyone else is? Why must I always require more from me, always more and more and more? I do my best. I need to believe that it is good enough.

I also need to believe that I'm a good and loveable person even on my bad music days. That I have a value also without the music.

I just don't know how that's done, right now.

Here's a poem by Maya Stein (who has written many other wonderful things, for example a poem that is so soothing and inspiring that I have printed it and taped it onto the inside of my door, so that I can read a random line from it every time I walk out in the world - but more on that another time), a poem that so seems to fit this day, this struggling week of mine.

scrubbing the pots or a lesson in courage

What did E. Roosevelt say? "You must do the thing
you think you cannot do"? This morning, it seemed impossible
to meet the deadline of the garbage truck, or avoid the dogs,
or clean the kitchen of its tomatoey detritus, or figure out
the words for a poem I had promised.

Of course, Eleanor meant something a little grander
than hauling recycling to the curb or relieving the pets.
I don’t think she was talking about scrubbing the pots, or poetry.
Still, what better initiation into courage than the small miracle of a finished task,
clearing a space where life is waiting to be seized and shaken.

Nej, det går faktiskt inte att skriva om något positivt idag, hur jag en anstränger mig.

Exempel på saker som har gått fel idag:
+ Jag kom dåligt förberedd till SAMTLIGA lektioner och presterade dåligt på SAMTLIGA lektioner. Mina lärare tittar så besviket på mig. Jag hatar det, hatar det, och jag får ont i magen.

+ Stämrepet på Pärts Te Deum vi hade på eftermiddagen var så pinsamt att jag var tvungen att gå därifrån för att inte börja gråta (bokstavligt talat). Det skar sig något otroligt och det var JAG som sjöng falskt, det var MITT FEL att det lät för jävligt.

+ Vi bestämde oss för att lägga jazzensemblen på is. Det är ingen som hinner, vi lyckas aldrig hitta reptider. Men jag hade glatt mig så åt den här jazzensemblen, och det gör mig så glad att ha något musikaliskt som inte har med skolan att göra, som är prestigefritt, bara jam, bara lek tillsammans med människor jag tycker mycket om. Det är numera ett minne blott.

+ Sen upptäckte Sam medan jag var på toa att min kamera är trasig!!! Jag har inte använt den på några dagar och alltså inte tagit upp den ur fodralet. Men nu ville han pilla lite på den och då såg vi att linsen var spräckt! Jag bara skrek rätt ut! Sedan såg jag att det var UV-filtret som hade krasat, inte själva linsen. Andades ut lite. Men filtret hade i alla fall fastnat, och jag vågar inte skruva loss det av rädsla för att repa linsen med alla de där små jävliga glasbitarna. ÅNGEST ÅNGEST.


Sam sa att jag i alla fall kan skratta åt det. Att när det blir såhär extremt så måste man bara skratta åt det. Och så skrattade vi åt det en stund. Men han skulle iväg och spela tennis, så nu är det tomt här igen.

Det värsta är att den där bostadsångesten genom att allt har varit så jävligt idag har vuxit och bildat någon sorts allmän livsångest på följande teman:
+ Jag utbildar mig till arbetslöshet och kommer aldrig få jobb
+ Jag kommer få flytta ut i förorten och vantrivas
+ Ingen kommer någonsin bli kär i mig utan jag kommer få leva ensam i resten av mitt liv

Och vidare på samma tema, ni förstår. Och jag tänker bara att den här dagen får vara slut snart, innan det hinner hända något mer dumt.

It struck me today that I'm probably sick now for a reason. I had it all planned out, you know, what I should do with these days to be super perfectly prepared for school; maybe what I need is to not prepare at all, maybe what I need is just go there in two weeks and sing, with my own voice, like I always do, and enjoy it, like I always do (but in different ways).

That felt good. This summer didn't turn out quite as I had planned ... but not in a bad way. It never does, does it?

I'm listening to Tides by Nitin Sawhney. So soothing, always. I waste my time (because I need to use it up somehow) by surfing internet pages that are all about looks: collage art (of course), but also what to wear, how to live, and I keep thinking that that's all just fine, but there is nothing like music. You will have to forgive me this. I can see a marvellous compostion, colors that make me feel like I want to lay down and die right now because they are so perfect, but it will never be like singing.

And I haven't even been able to sing, or play, for two weeks, it's killing me.

Not that I don't enjoy collaging anymore. (Actually, I haven't enjoyed it as much as of late, but more on that another time. And also, note to self, do write something about how I've been feeling like a lousy photographer wannabe lately.) But it's like - collaging, and color, and beautiful clothing, it will just have to come secondly. Collage is what I do to describe my life, express it, in a way; music is it, it is the core. I think that's what have made it so easy for lindy to take over the time and emotion I used to put in art journaling. I have to struggle to make my collages look like music, but it is not hard at all to make dancing look like music. If it doesn't show the music, it is not dancing.

Photo taken at a camp with my friends, 1999, and scanned for facebook photo albums.

We were on our way home from M's birthday party, about an hour ago. The night was dark and the highway ahead of me looked yellowish in the light from the streetlights. J drove fast, very fast, and we listened to José Gonzàlez (the Crosses EP), it felt a little bit like flying, and I felt very safe.

We started talking about music and singing, and of course my education was mentioned. K said that he has only heard me sing a few times, and I asked him when? He said "well, there was this one time in Syria when we were singing the whole group together, you sat on my right and I remember hearing your voice". I was stunned. "And you remember that?" I said. "Well ... yeah", he said.

It was just such a beautiful compliment. I didn't need him to say anything at all about my singing. The fact that he remembered the moment was more than enough.

I just wanted to tell you. The night felt like velvet, it sounds silly but everything really was soft and dark and comforting like velvet. It was a very beautiful ride in a car, one of these random moments that seem to pass other people by, but that I collect like treasures.

The most amazing thing just happened.

(Maybe it won't seem that amazing to you, but I'm a person who tend to think of the most ordinary, everyday things as amazing things.)

I was watching this movie, Stranger Than Fiction - my friend Robin said I'll love it and when he says it like that, you know dead sure, then he's always right. And in it, Professor Jules Hilberg asks Harold Crick if he aspires to anything, but he says no.
- Harold, Hilberg says, you must have some ambition.
- I don't think so.
- Some underlined dream. Think.

And right there, my head and heart filled up so quickly (I felt it almost physically, my heart filled to the brim with some shimmering liquid that was dreams, hopes, ambitions and small G-clefs), that I had to turn the film off and open a new notepad page on the computer (just like this one - I always write everything in Notepad first, did you know that about me?) and write them down. They're all about music of course: get to know more exciting and talented people to sing with, form new groups (jazz bands, pop groups, a new singer/songwriter duo), sing with a big band on lindy hop dance nights, work as a singing teacher at Hvitfeldtska (where it's close to impossible to get a job because if you ever get one you don't leave it), go out and dance more, take a year off school to sing more jazz, and many more like that.

And then I saved it, sighed happily (knowing that since a musical life is what I want, I will have it) and turned back to the movie, where Harold's first line after I turn it on again is:

- Well ... I've always wanted my life to be more musical.

Photo taken early May on a school yard close to where I live.