different rains

The light has been marvellous today. It's as if the weather haven't been able to make up its mind; it's been raining, then some rays of light, then both at the same time, and all the time a stubborn, playful wind.

It happens that people (even I, on occasion) tire of the Göteborg weather, and I can understand that. What I don't understand is how they can say that it's always the same. It is not ever the same. There are thousands of different rains, and many of them are shimmering and immensely beautiful. Days here are often grey, but it is a living grey that makes a perfect background to any other color, it makes everything brighter, like the intense blue and red above. It has been a good day indeed.



Here's a picture of two of my best friends, the boyfriend and my monster (I bought him just recently, I just couldn't resist. Do you see how big he actually is?). They are both sitting behind me in my armchair right now as I write this. Life is nice.

dreams of a little beautiful house

The boyfriend and I took a walk through Änggårdskolonin today, enjoying looking at all these lovely houses. I could so do this: grow old and live in an apartment somewhere nice in Göteborg (like Guldheden, where we live now, and both love) and have a little cottage like one of these, to spend summer evenings Sunday afternoons and what not. It's in the middle of Göteborg and yet it's another world.

That last house is my favorite. We'd have one just like that, and our apartment would be somewhere nearby so we could walk there on warm evenings. I'd have a studio, with big beautiful windows and lovely light, to make my collages in, and Johan would sit with one of his most beloved books and jazz records, and we'd drink lemonade in the garden.

Just a short note to tell you everything is allright, no, everything is much better than allright: I am almost ridiculously in love, so that nothing else really seems to matter, and I feel like I could drown in something warm and fuzzy that moved into my apartment with Johan. Who doesn't really live here, of course, but three floors down isn't really that big a difference from here.

- - -

Have been thinking I'll start putting the wardrobe_remix photos here, too, as well as on flickr. Another benefit of having a boyfriend: there is someone who doesn't tire of taking pictures of me ... And who has exactly the same camera that I had before it broke :)



Here is a picture from a few days ago. I'm starting to get a little tired of this grey weather ... We've had almost no snow at all and now we can look forward to at least two, maybe three more months of grey rain, mist and chilly winds. Lucky I have my strawberry hat. I seriously love it and hope I'll never lose it (cross your fingers for me, because I'm a master of coming home without mittens and hats and scarfs and stuff with no clue of where I left/ dropped them).

+ strawberry hat: had it since I was little
+ mittens: birthday gift from hanna & lisa
+ coat: h&m
+ scarf: handed down from my grandmother
+ sweater: handed down from my brother
+ pants: topshop
+ shoes: cheapo, bought at shock

Kväll i min gröna fåtölj. Har läst ut Vill Ha Mer av Katarina Bjärvall, helt sjukt bra och inspirerande; ser redan fram emot att smälta den lite och sedan läsa den igen. Fötterna i blöt - sådär varmt att jag ryser när jag pluppar i fötterna i baljan. Dagboken i knät, och Breakfast at Tiffany's, som jag tyckte det var dags för mig att läsa. Glass i mintgrön skål, till lika delar för att det är så gott och för att lindra svedan i halsen. Pojkvännen min skulle komma upp vid tolv. Jag tar och går och lägger mig så länge. Godnatt!

Back from five days of lindy hop in Stockholm, I've come down with the usual lindy cold. It's just impossible to go to a camp and dance with so many people without catching something, specially since we hardly rest. So right now I feel like a swollen ugly octopus with a sore throat, and a jellyfish where my brain once used to be.

Still, it was worth it. Despite how tired and worn out I was already when I came to Stockholm (Christmas was calm and lovely, but three days wasn't enough to pay for all the stress during autumn), it may have been the best classes I've ever taken. I learned so much! Can't wait to get well so that I can go to a social dance night and try everything new.

I had my best New Year's Eve for years. Lisa and Hanna arranged a dinner for twelve people, and then we went up on a hill from where we saw most of Göteborg, with all the fireworks. Despite my not feeling my best, it was a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have the friends I have. Johan was invited too (I didn't have to lift a finger to arrange that - he was already invited through another friend, how I love it when that happens!) and so he was officially introduced to two of my best friends. I'm so happy everyone seems to like each other.

For now I'm just going to spend a few days being calm, doing nothing, hoping to get well in time for the Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera on Saturday.

Been trying to think of something to write during the whole week, for example something about the boyfriend, or the Christmas break that I have so deserved and that is finally here (since Tuesday), but I don't know, I seem to have spent all my spare time kissing said boyfriend (or laying on his couch listening to Keith Jarrett's Köln Concert and being ... happy) or preparing for Christmas (stuff like getting a tree and decorating it and finding gifts for my family).

What I can say is that it's been a crazy semester. I managed to scrape up the very last of my energy to get all the assignments done - to my great surprise I even took the music history exam! But I'm hoping it will never be like this again. That was not the life I want to live, and I still believe in my own ability to create the life I want. I'm going to do what I can to cut down on things to do and demands from others and myself, not to be this busy and stressed out, come spring.

I intend to spend these three weeks just resting. I want to nurture parts of me that I've neglected for a while (like reading! Listening to music while not doing anything in particular! Practise knitting! Making collages!) ... And I'm not going to sing or play a single note that I don't love.

I'm at my parents house for Christmas (I have my camera with me but forgot the cable, so I can't upload anything for now), and on Wednesday I'm going to Stockholm for the Snowball, which is going to be great. I wish you all a very blessed Christmas.

Heheheheee. För några dagar sedan gick jag med i en Facebook-grupp som heter "Vi som borde öva men fastnar framför YouTube" för att det är ... så klockrent.

Och det är ju en sak när man tittar till exempel på olika körers versioner av Lauridsens O Magnum Mysterium (som nog är ett av de vackraste musikstycken jag har i mitt liv just nu. Och som Härlanda Kammarkör ska göra på Julsång i City i Domkyrkan, tisdag 18 dec kl. 17:45. Det blir fantastiskt, kom och lyssna!). Eller hur olika dirigenter tar sig an Appalachian Spring. Jag får rysningar! Jag menar, sådant är ju ändå godkänd procrastination eftersom det är musikrelaterat och alltså bidrar till vidare musikalisk utveckling. Att titta på sådant som bara är roligt dock, det borde vara förbjudet ...

Här har två finfina:
100 höjdare #18 Björn Skifs glömmer texten
Cat Talking

Jag känner mig ungefär som när Kristoffer och jag en gång för (mycket mycket) länge sedan såg Mickey Blue Eyes på bio och jag skrattade så mycket på det där stället (foggettabaddiit) att folket i bänkraderna till slut började skratta åt mig. Ojojoj, ojojoj.

Här är det klippet förresten. Jag skrattade så mycket när jag såg det nyss att min klasskamrat Andreas som sitter vid datorn mittemot var tvungen att fråga hur det är med mig. Håhåjaja :)

På tal om procrastination, så är det här (blogg- alt. hemsidesuppdaterande) värsta formen, för man kan hålla på hur länge som helst ... Okej Kristin, back to work. My One and Only Love väntar.

Some days, when I feel low and try to make myself feel better, just the simplest of thoughts suffice: this apartment. my friends. lindy hop. singing. and so on.

Other days, I need something more specific. Unfortunately, on those other days, the specific things (an unexpected compliment or surprise. Someone calling to just randomly tell me they love me. Not missing the bus. A party to look forward to. Getting something that I've pushed in front of me for a while, finally done) can be so hard to find.

This is one of those days.

You know, while doing the dishes today, I actually thought "people with boyfriends/girlfriends, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". I soon realised there must be millions of people right now thinking "people with a home/ a family/ parents/ friends/ peace/ an education/ food everyday/ an income/ good health, do they know how lucky they are? Are they as happy as they should?". That made me shiver. I have so much, I am so rich, and not only materially.

Some days, I am as happy as I should, because as happy as I "should" is exactly as happy as I can be. I have the possibility of taking in all of the wonderfulness in my life, of breathing it, the happiness. I am very good at happiness, the way I automatically let it float through me. Other days ... What is it with these other days? Why can't I stem these feelings?

The first, say, year or so, after my last disastrous relationship, was wonderful. No one stopping me from what I wanted or deserved. Only me to take care of! But now, I'm getting - I don't know ... It's not desperate, not yet (my friends have promised to warn me if I get too close to desperate. That's just not a fun place to go). But still. I wouldn't mind someone, I woulnd't mind being in love, I really wouldn't, right now. There, I've confessed that. What a weakness.

Things that make me happy today:

+ The concert with Härlanda Kammarkör yesterday was heavenly. The church was completely full, there must have been 500 people there! And I think we were great, I really do. I think I might actually love my choir! So many of my sweetest friends were there to listen, and everyone seemed to have truly enjoyed the music (Requiem by Rutter, O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen, Jubilate Deo by Britten and some other works). Oh I can't wait until our next rehearsal, and then Julsång i City, that will be lovely too!

+ The unexpected party that Hanna and I joined Saturday night. It was already late when we got there, and people spoke slowly with soft voices about art and poetry. And I got to try to play the sitar!!! How cool isn't that! It is obviously a very complicated instrument and I barely managed to hold it right, let alone manage to play a whole scale, but it was fun nevertheless ... even though my fingertips hurted afterwards.

+ The invitations to all sorts of Christmas parties and gettogethers that have started to show up.

+ My planning for my Christmas tree :) My mother and I went shopping for some food two days ago, and I figured I may as well buy the tree stand now, so that I won't forget it (ornaments and stuff are more fun to buy, so I don't think I'll forget them as easily).
- Here is one! my mother said.
- But that's to small, a real Christmas tree won't fit in there! I said.
- What, are you going to have a big tree?
- A REAL tree! I said.
Because this may very well be the only time in my life I have this much space (I think could fit five Christmas trees in my apartment if I wanted too) and I WILL have a REAL Christmas tree! :)))

+ Listening to Gene Harris' Summertime and feeling in my whole body how good it is to blues dance to that with someone that I feel very safe with. Must remember to thank Joakim for having taught me most of what I know about counter balance, without which I would never have been the dancer I am now.

+ The folk music concert and party that I attended at Folkmusikcaféet Friday night. The concert with Kraja, a Swedish folk song group of four, was magical. Their voices are so beautiful and their arrangements truly inspirational. After that, Tidig Tisdag played until late, and I learned how to dance polska and schottis and folklig vals and polka and it was just plain fun, I couldn't stop laughing!



And there's more: I have the whole week off!!! :) For several reasons which I won't explain here, we had to move my practical training (I'm not sure that's what it's called? It's when I'm at a music high school (or any other school with singing teachers) with a singing teacher, following everything she or he does, and taking care of some of the singing lessons myself).

I was supposed to have that this week, but it will be in January instead, on my Christmas holiday - which is wonderful. A month off for Christmas is too much for me, I would get restless and long for school to start. Now I have a three week long Christmas holiday (which is the percect length according to me) instead, I'll get a much better practical training than I would have had this week, and I have this whole week off to rest and get some school work done. I love it!

Here's what I intend to do this week:
- Sleep until I wake up every morning.
- Get the music theory assignments done.
- Work some extra hours at the library.
- Sleep some more.
- Practise knitting.
- Play the piano.
And that's it! :)

(And yes, the lost files I talked about the other day, were recovered, with some detective work and some help from the school's computer people. And who knows, I may even let you listen one day or another :))

Åh, den sötaste grejen hände igår! Vi repade madrigaler, och jag sjöng lite krattigt först, så jag utbrast i ett "jag är så DÅLIG!". Men sedan kom jag på mig och la till (fortfarande med ögonen ned i noterna) ett "... just nu, alltså, jag menar inte jämt utan bara just vid den är genomsjungningen alltså!". Och sedan tittade jag lite försiktigt upp på Sofia och Gustav. De försökte se lite bistra och stränga ut, men började skratta.
- Men det är ju en förbättring i alla fall?!" sa jag.
- Ja, som varandes din kammarmusikensemble under hela våren kan man absolut säga att det är en förbättring! sa Sofia. Och sedan kramade jag dem.

Mina finaste! Det är en sådan TUR att jag hamnade i samma kammarmusikensemble som dem i våras (man byter varje termin, reds. anm. I våras spelade vi Buxtehude (Sofia är violinist, som bilden visar, egentligen och Gustav pianist), och nu under hösten sjunger vi madrigaler i kvartett. Egentligen skulle madrigalerna vara ett sidoprojekt till andra kammarmusikensembler, men för mig blev det inte så eftersom jag var tvungen att skala av så mycket som möjligt; vokalkvartetten blev min enda kammarmusikensemble den här hösten, tyvärr). Jag hade ju så otroligt låg självkänsla gällande min klassiska sång och över lag min, enligt mitt tycke, oberättigade vistelse på musikhögskolan. Och de bara lyssnade och peppade, outtröttligt! Sa ifrån på skarpen gjorde de också, men bara när jag precis behövde det. Åh, bästa.

Arvo Pärt-konserten med kyrkomusikerkören igår gick förresten tokbra. Det är i sanning ett fantastiskt verk och ljuvligt, om än krävande, att sjunga. Det var helt slutsålt, så det funderas på att vi ska göra om det i början av våren.

Annars har det varit en finfin inspirationsdag idag. Lunchkonsert med sex nyskrivna låtar av MuAa2 (på ren svenska: afromusikernas årskurs två), skådespelarfyrornas "Att gestalta kön"-föreställning (en magisk fridans- och rörelseföreställning: magnifikt, jag blev så lycklig; och som alltid med fridans gör det lite ont i magen, och det står klart för mig än en gång att jag fortfarande sörjer fridansen ... men jag kan leva med det) och ett par dugliga föreläsningar, samt lite pianoövning, och så har jag planerat lindykurs och bluesdansat med Kristian (det tycks omöjligt nuförtiden att planera utan att bluesdansa, vilket iofs är helt förståeligt, varför avstå från att bluesdansa liksom). Hanna är på väg hit, för myskväll. Det goda livet.

I'm back from a well-needed, well-deserved mini vacation in Karlstad. Note to self: when tired and unhappy, visit friends! My friends Hanna and Jonas live in Karlstad this fall, while working with Wedding Singer (a musical, baed on the movie) at Värmlandsoperan. The show was great fun, and I got a tour of the theatre before it started; I got to see their warm up, the wigs, the make up people, their preparations, their horrifying 80's clothes. I took a few steps on the stage while Hanna did her soundcheck. Hanna must've seen my face. Do you miss the stage? she asked.

I do.

Later in the evening I sat in their couch with their adorable cat Milda purring next to me, and felt the calm I've been lacking these past few days slowly flowing back.

Tonight: Dinner and movie (Delicatessen, which both Sam and I have seen several times before, but it's so worth seeing again!) with darlings Lisa, Hanna (another Hanna - I have two of them, but I don't know what to call them to separate them from each other) and Sam. Well-needed and well-deserved, too.

Nej, det går faktiskt inte att skriva om något positivt idag, hur jag en anstränger mig.

Exempel på saker som har gått fel idag:
+ Jag kom dåligt förberedd till SAMTLIGA lektioner och presterade dåligt på SAMTLIGA lektioner. Mina lärare tittar så besviket på mig. Jag hatar det, hatar det, och jag får ont i magen.

+ Stämrepet på Pärts Te Deum vi hade på eftermiddagen var så pinsamt att jag var tvungen att gå därifrån för att inte börja gråta (bokstavligt talat). Det skar sig något otroligt och det var JAG som sjöng falskt, det var MITT FEL att det lät för jävligt.

+ Vi bestämde oss för att lägga jazzensemblen på is. Det är ingen som hinner, vi lyckas aldrig hitta reptider. Men jag hade glatt mig så åt den här jazzensemblen, och det gör mig så glad att ha något musikaliskt som inte har med skolan att göra, som är prestigefritt, bara jam, bara lek tillsammans med människor jag tycker mycket om. Det är numera ett minne blott.

+ Sen upptäckte Sam medan jag var på toa att min kamera är trasig!!! Jag har inte använt den på några dagar och alltså inte tagit upp den ur fodralet. Men nu ville han pilla lite på den och då såg vi att linsen var spräckt! Jag bara skrek rätt ut! Sedan såg jag att det var UV-filtret som hade krasat, inte själva linsen. Andades ut lite. Men filtret hade i alla fall fastnat, och jag vågar inte skruva loss det av rädsla för att repa linsen med alla de där små jävliga glasbitarna. ÅNGEST ÅNGEST.


Sam sa att jag i alla fall kan skratta åt det. Att när det blir såhär extremt så måste man bara skratta åt det. Och så skrattade vi åt det en stund. Men han skulle iväg och spela tennis, så nu är det tomt här igen.

Det värsta är att den där bostadsångesten genom att allt har varit så jävligt idag har vuxit och bildat någon sorts allmän livsångest på följande teman:
+ Jag utbildar mig till arbetslöshet och kommer aldrig få jobb
+ Jag kommer få flytta ut i förorten och vantrivas
+ Ingen kommer någonsin bli kär i mig utan jag kommer få leva ensam i resten av mitt liv

Och vidare på samma tema, ni förstår. Och jag tänker bara att den här dagen får vara slut snart, innan det hinner hända något mer dumt.

So here's what happening:

I danced with Kristian on Wednesday; we were planning the first beginners-indermediate class, and I had decided not to dance too much, just do the necessary talking and then go home early, and then he put on Hayburner and we were in the big ballroom and had all the space in the world ... and I was like ... "oh well, one song can't hurt". And we danced, and it may have been one of our best ever. Gah, I'm so incredibly lucky to be his partner. Luck is what it is; we didn't really decide to be partners, it just happened, we just knew that it would work out. It's that magical connection again: I know very well that not everyone would work as well with him as I do (even though I've never heard of anyone disliking dancing with him), and I know lots of people who do not work well with me. But I don't care ... as long as I can dance with him a little bit now and then. Ooooh, it was so good I kept laughing and laughing. You know, when the momentum's so perfect that your stomach loves it. That's what I'm dancing for, those moments.

Afterwards I felt out of breath, weak and feverish-sweaty, so I guess it wasn't a great idea. But for that one dance it was so worth it.

So well, I'm still sick. Nothing's changing there.

Been doing some painting, in my journal. Just colors. Don't know yet what will come of it. Parts of me feel like leaving the spreads like they are, light blue, bright blue, gold, light yellow, some orange, a little bit of beige. But my fingers really want to add something to them ... I don't know what yet. It's exciting, to leave them open on my desk to dry, and go do something else (stand on the balcony, play betapet, write a blog entry, stalk someone on facebook), and then go back and suddenly see what needs to be done (at least that's what often happens, so I'm kind of hoping that's what'll happen now, too). It's a beautiful process to be part of ... when it's working.

J was here last night, to cheer me up a little bit (and make me some food). It worked of course, sometimes just being around him works. Sometimes it astounds me that we actually met on a bus (on a regular city bus, not one going far, I don't know what you call buses going between different cities and such) and that we're still best friends five years later. Sometimes it's the most natural thing in the world - how else would I get to know such an amazing, interesting and surprising individual, if not in an amazing, interesting and surprising way?

I have now officially retreated to the parents' house. Because it always sucks to be sick, but it sucks a little less to be sick here. For several reasons:

1. Company. We don't talk much, my throat doesn't want me to (but then we've never really talked much), but that doesn't matter. It's just nice to have someone around.

2. They have a TV. Normally I hate television and almost everything shown on it, but when I'm sick, a TV is some sort of company, too. It's good to just sit on the couch and doze off a little.

3. I can eat luxury food that I can't (or I guess I could, but there are other things I want to put money on, too) afford to buy for myself! Such as ... cherry tomatoes and cashew nuts with (almost) every meal.

4. They like to spoil me a little.

5. My lungs have started to hurt in a most unpleasant way. No, actually, it doesn't really hurt, it just feels - well - unpleasant is a good word. It's like a pressure, it's heavier to breathe than normal and it makes me uncomfortable.

6. It's not far; I live just south of and they live a bit east of the city center. When my mother called yesterday to see how I was feeling, she just asked if I wanted to come here, and I said yes, and she came to pick me up. It's great, to still live in the city where I grew up, that I love more than any other place in the world. But then, why would I ever leave Göteborg.


I called Robin earlier today, to tell him I can't go to Stockholm tomorrow. I haven't seen him since April. I hate that.


Some good things too, so that I won't feel too sorry for myself:
- School starts in no more than two weeks. Hooray!

- I just got the most beautiful message on flickr, from a person who said that my collages and thoughts said I inspired her, and "i don't know what else to say really, just please don't stop, what you're doing." These comments and messages just leave me out of words. What do I do to deserve them?

- They just put the Fall 2007 program of lindy classes (they = WCJ, the lindy hop organization that I'm part of) online. Wohoo! There are so many amazing classes I want to take, like: "Fast and Slow - dancing both faster and slower than we mostly do requires musicality, timing, body awareness, balance and the ability to really listen to your partner and use all of the music [...]." Doesn't it sound super exiting?! And the Taking Over and Stealing classes with Marcus and Ellen! I'm fairly good at taking over, but there is always more to learn. Ooo, I want the classes to start NOW! No, wait ... I want to get well first.

The photo: a tree, growing on a school yard close to where I live.

I have heard that the songs that matter the most to us, are the songs that we associate with both happy and sad memories; the songs that make us want to laugh and cry at the same time; the songs that make us nostalgic; the songs that remind us of someone, someone that we loved, before.

That's what I have heard. And I think that whoever said this (I don't remember) was right - to a certain point.

Because there are songs, in my life, that don't make me sad at all. There are songs that are connected only to happy memories. Passing By by Ulrich Schnauss is one of them. I first heard it when I saw Elizabethtown, a movie that everyone else hates but that I love. You hear it as they drive to meet each other in the middle of the night, and it's so perfect, it suits me so well; seeing as I love going someplace by car in the middle of the night.

I made this collage in my Moleskine as some sort of tribute to this song; because I love it, and because it makes me happy, and because it makes me think of last April and how I changed my life, then. How I decided that I deserve to be loved.



In other news, I am sick. It's just a cold, and a slight fever. The days are okay. The nights are worse, I don't sleep, I am cold and sweating at the same time, I wake up every thirty minutes, coughing.

I have only myself to blame - I knew already last week that I was going to be sick (I didn't allow myself to be sick during Herräng, I just thought "afterwards you can be sick, not now"), I felt it in my throat, but still I went to the lindy exchange. Oh, well. I intend to be well by Friday, when I'm going to Stockholm to visit Robin. You hear that, fever? I intend to be well by Friday.

I'm thinking about ending my summer holidays and getting back to school tomorrow. School doesn't officially start until September 3rd, but it doesn't do to come back to school and not have practised for weeks. Actually I haven't practised at all during the whole of July. Oh, dear, I'll have some work to do with my voice! But I know better than to try to do serious singing practise when I'm still not fully recovered from the Herräng flu. It would do more harm than good to my voice. I'll have to wait ... But I long to sing. And I miss my school. The grand pianos on the 6th floor, the light that floods into the corridors, the music swimming through the windows when I walk up from the tram stop.



As if yesterday's (or actually "this morning's" would be a more accurate way of putting it) post didn't make that clear, I might be more into dancing now than I've ever been.

I met this guy in Herräng who explained that dancing to him was all about trying to get better and better. I was like, "wait a minute, where's the fun?". Of course, he enjoys it as well, but there's still that lingering thought of always improving, dancing with better dancers, dancing more, more often, practising ... And as I listened, I knew that that's how I was, before, when I was a contemporary dancer. I pushed myself all the time, I was so competitive, I had to have others confirming me all the time. In the end it was no fun at all.

So I've done that for TOO LONG, doing stuff only to try to be the best. Nowadays, I try not to do things to get better at doing them, ever. I do them because I love them and because I feel like doing them. My opinion is that everything that I really love doing, I will get better at, sooner or later. Because the only way to really get better at something is to enjoy it, profoundly. I want to be a good dancer and I want to learn more, but it is not my goal; my goal is to live the music (as is with everything I do in my life). The rest will all come, as long as I'm having fun.

I've been having fun dancing for more than a year now. I feel like a want to dance forever.

He also said another thing: The day that you start thinking about what other people think of your dancing, you're done. That's it. From that day on you will never enjoy it as much, unless you can stop it in time. If you think about what others think about your dancing, it will become less and less fun, and you'll worry more and more, and you will stop dancing.

He is so right. Lindy hop for me has always been because I love it, not because I have to force myself to get better. And I will do everything I can to keep it that way. I hope, I hope, that I learned that lesson when I was a contemporary dancer, but maybe I have to be careful. I cannot, I will not, fall into that gap again! I will dance for myself and myself only. And if others enjoy dancing with me, I'll love it. But I won't dance for them, nor for them to confirm or compliment me.

When I danced with a guy yesterday, I had to ask him why he looked so bored. Unfortunately someone had told him that I'm some sort of wonderful dancer. And I hate to disappoint people. And he looked bored. And I thought that I was boring. And I hate to be boring.

And he just smiled at me and said I would not have danced with you for that long if I had been bored with you. And I trusted him, instantly. And that's that.

Photo taken during a Lindy in the Park in July this year.

I should make me some dinner. I'm no good at cooking. Always the same dishes. But the ones I make, I make them good. My friends like my lentil soup.

There is something very liberating about English. There are so many words. I once read that English has a lot more words than Swedish - not surprising of course, since there are so many more English speakers than Swedish speakers - and I wish now I could remember the exact amount. How many words does a language hold? How many of them are necessary to communicate? What is poetry? Most of the poetry I've read in my life annoys the hell out of me. How important is communication to us? To me, everything.

I should make dinner, instead I sit at my table (I usually don't call it my desk, it's not really a desk: it's a kitchen table, a really large one, that I use as a desk, I bought it because of the size and the color, a very warm light shade of brown, maybe it's oak or something supposed to resemble oak, what do I know) making collages. I painted over an old one, about courage, that was too pale to be about courage. Then I wrote "Things I love about myself, part 1: My ability to love. It's the best thing about me". I mean it very much. There is nothing better about me. I have been let down, cheated on, deserted, ditched, dumped and just simply left behind. Still I love. I am very selfish (working on that), but I love.

I'll show the collage to you later, when the paint's dry.

I listen to Nando Lauria. I listened to him a lot during Herräng, too; every time I took a nap I started by listening to music in my headphones - it's a way of spending time with myself, being alone, even in a gym full of people sleeping or resting or whispering. Taking care of myself and my own thoughts, if you wish.

The painting above is called "piano". I made it for my brother as a birthday gift last year. 50x60 cm.