choir & calm

Rehearsal with the chamber choir all day. We rehearse in a church, and the acoustics are amazing. I'm still not too fond of the Johannes Passion though. I'm finding Bach a bit boring. But I like my choir, and today was the best so far with this piece, so it was nice anyways.



I spent the evening with the boyfriend. There was a big lindy party going on and I went there, only to go back home after about three dances. My back hurt too much, which usually makes me so sad and bitter that there's no use in staying. The boyfriend hugged me an fed me chocolate muffins until I felt a bit better.

I suddenly felt an urge to tell you what's been going on, which is a ridiculously bad idea since I should be off to school in about five minutes, but well, here goes.

I am completely worn out. Last semester at school was, like you've seen if you've been reading here, extremely busy, and the only way I managed to pull through with the high demands on me (from me, my teachers and the school mentality in general) was by thinking "this is the worst semester of the entire education. Everyone says that. It will by over soon. Come January, everything will be easier and I'll have time left to do what I truly love again".

But after the Christmas break, about one week into the spring semester, I was there again. I still felt the pressure, the demands, and there was no time whatsoever to relax, make collages, read, take long walks outdoors, even spend time with friends. I felt (still feel like) all I did was being at school, practising, going back and forth on the tram, and trying to take care of all the practical details of a life (doing the dishes, getting something to eat, talking to the boyfriend, getting some sleep).

So, I've come to realise that I need to take a break from school. It is not music that is the problem, but the mentality at school (nothing is ever good enough - you are never good enough - always keep working to get better - never relax in what you already have and are - keep struggling, keep struggling, keep trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough) has slowly crept inside of me and is now crawling in me like a strange creature that I certainly didn't invite, and it's eating my musical joy, more of it every day. There is almost nothing left of it now. Yesterday I managed to gather enough musical joy to enjoy rehearsing with my jazz ensemble - but then, my jazz ensemble has nothing to do with school, it's just for fun ...

There is no solution to this. I will take a break in September (I would have wanted to leave immediately, but that's not really possible). But how I'll stand it through these three months before summer break, and what in the world I will do to make a living come September, I do not know. People take a break from school to work a year, but something's telling me that a year at ICA Maxi won't really make me happy, either ... Because the only thing I want to do is DO NOTHING. I daydream about doing nothing.

And I dream about wanting to make collages again. I haven't made anything with my own hands since August, did you know that? And I miss it. But since my collages started becoming popular over at Flickr, I can't even make collages without thinking about what others will think of them ... without preparing to be judged. Yes, I know that nothing's forcing me to put them on Flickr if I make any, or show them to anyone at all, but the attention I got was like a drug, something I got used to and started craving ... And when the pressure of that - the thoughts about whether others would like my collages or not - became too much for me, I stopped making collages, because they took more energy from me than they gave, which has never been the case before.

I don't go to the lindy hop social nights, either. I don't feel like it.

Okay, I really have to go to school now. I have to force myself. I don't go to all my classes. All I want is lay still in my bed, eat muffins and ice cream and watch cheesy movies. I don't even want to listen to music.

I don't even want to listen to music - I do it, but out of habit and to not feel lonely. To think there were days when I couldn't wait to get home to listen to a certain CD! To think there were days when I longed to practise, to work with my voice and piano playing! And since music is my everything, now that I'm losing it, I have nothing left.I am completely lost. And tired, so tired.

The Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera (there are a few photos in the photo blog) yesterday was simply lovely and wonderful in every aspect. As we stood at the doors afterwards, waiting for everyone (there were about fifteen of my lindy hop friends there), we looked at each other, almost as if we had just woken up from a dream. How could nine hours pass so fast? It could have been fifteen minutes for all I know.

I felt a little bit like Cinderella; is it already over? I had changed into ordinary pants and sweater, as it had begun to snow outside and I didn't want to ruin my dress. My friends looked at me and said "oh ... yes, that is what you look like most days ...", as if they didn't consider the pants and tee shirt-clad Kristin the real one, but rather the Kristin floating around in a red shimmery haze. Because that's what I was, that's what it all was: shimmering. People were staring (admiringly!) at me all night, probably because I am a good dancer (and how I enjoy the waltz and viennese waltz, rumba and foztrot, even the occasional cha-cha; everything is lovely with a good leader, in a ball gown, and with an opera orchestra), but I think it was because I was beautiful, too. It was an amazing feeling.

Today the world is covered in a wet, white blanket. I know Göteborg: this will not stay, the footprints I see from my balcony are already dark, my windows are covered with drops. But as I intend to stay indoors today, enjoying this Sunday with something creative (drinking hot chocolate for example (I wonder if there is any milk on the fourth floor, I've ran out) and working with a photo album which I have neglected for too long), I won't notice. Everything looks white and snowy and soft from up here.

Been intending to link to this amazing photographer for a while, but I've forgotten. I no longer remember where I got the link but I am sure you will love this as much as I do: Jan von Holleben's Dreams of Flying.

2007 was the year of the apartment. I moved in on the 4th of March, but I was asked if I wanted the apartment (and said yes without hesitation) sometime early January, so I spent the first two months dreaming and scheming, getting second hand furniture, planning what photos I wanted on my walls and looking through boxes of mugs and plates I've been saving. I knew I'd be happy here and yet I have been happier here than I could ever imagine. Coming here is coming home, every time, no doubt about it. I've noticed that I actually talk to my apartment like normal people would talk to a cat when they come home: hello dear, how've you been today? Been a good day, hasn't it? My apartment greets me by waiting for me, with calm, like my morning light.

2007 was my first year at the Academy of Music, a year which didn't turn out at all like I had planned - in bad ways and in good ways. I thought it would be easier socially; I thought it would be easier to get to know people and make lots of new musician friends with whom I could sing and play and be happy. Truth is, reality disappointed me a little at first. But after a while I realised that I'm not someone who will network because it's necessary; it's just not my thing to do. The people who know everyone may be more successful, or better musicians, but I will not go out of who I am to be appreciated and/ or popular.

My future as a musician is unsure, but what the hell, I will follow happiness wherever it takes me, and for now, it's keeping me safe and sound right where I am: with one classical pianist, one chamber music ensemble and one jazz ensemble, two choirs, one swing song ensemble and one guitarist. 2007 laid a solid ground for me to stand on, and I know where I want to go: more singing, more different inputs, more inspiration from every kind of music there is, more merging of styles and mixing of genres. More hard work, and more pure, lauging-out-loud musical joy.

2007 was a great dancing year, a year with my first Herräng Dance Camp and a year when I was asked if I wanted to become a lindy teacher - which I now am, with Kristian, who is an amazing dancer. It's been taking a lot of hard work, time and planning, but it's given me a lot more than it cost. During 2007 I went from being a fast learner somewhere in the intermediate area, having danced lindy hop for only a year, to being a dancer who is capable of analyzing my own dance and see all the things I need to work on to become a better dancer. It's a wonderful development and one that I am very grateful for.


And 2008?

I will sing, and I will dance, because it is what I love and it is what my life consists of. Fall was so stressed out that I didn't really get to enjoy my life to the fullest, I can see that now. And why would I live if not to enjoy it, the richness of it? Because it is rich, it is so rich. I intend to be calmer. I have said it before. I need to make it a mantra, impossible to forget or run away from. I need to be calmer.

As for the apartment I will move in two months, not because I want to (what wouldn't I do to stay?!) but because the contract was for a year and not a day more. Things will be harder when I'm back at my parents' place (I'll be staying with them for a couple of months), it will be more difficult to remain calm and happy. But I'll do my best.

I have Johan now, too, and I so look forward to starting this new year with him, to see where life takes us and this relationship that is evolving between us, like a creature of it's own, small and soft, swirling, living - I never looked at a relationship quite this way before, but this time, it really is something in itself, something that I can look at while it grows (and how it grows!), something that happened almost without me knowing it - as if one day I woke up and he was there, next to me, having landed there while I slept, unsuspectingly ... Yes, it still feels like that: when I woke up this morning, it took me a short while to realise that I hadn't been dreaming: that there was someone sleeping right behind my back, holding me very gently in his sleep.

Back from five days of lindy hop in Stockholm, I've come down with the usual lindy cold. It's just impossible to go to a camp and dance with so many people without catching something, specially since we hardly rest. So right now I feel like a swollen ugly octopus with a sore throat, and a jellyfish where my brain once used to be.

Still, it was worth it. Despite how tired and worn out I was already when I came to Stockholm (Christmas was calm and lovely, but three days wasn't enough to pay for all the stress during autumn), it may have been the best classes I've ever taken. I learned so much! Can't wait to get well so that I can go to a social dance night and try everything new.

I had my best New Year's Eve for years. Lisa and Hanna arranged a dinner for twelve people, and then we went up on a hill from where we saw most of Göteborg, with all the fireworks. Despite my not feeling my best, it was a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have the friends I have. Johan was invited too (I didn't have to lift a finger to arrange that - he was already invited through another friend, how I love it when that happens!) and so he was officially introduced to two of my best friends. I'm so happy everyone seems to like each other.

For now I'm just going to spend a few days being calm, doing nothing, hoping to get well in time for the Twelfth Night Ball at the Opera on Saturday.

This was one of those mornings when you wake up ridiculously happy and giddy and don't know why until you remember that last night was the best dance night in a long while. Oh, I love how it stays in the stomach overnight like that, it's like magic :)

It was Duke's Place, and I usually never have my best dance nights on those occasions. Socially, yes, but dance-wise, no. I always dance better at our ordinary Mondays, when we're just dancing in our own building, in ordinary clothes, nothing fancy. Duke's Place and such - 300+ people, a big band, a much bigger venue, Saturday night, all that - it doesn't work quite as well for me.

But last night was FABULOUS, completely perfect! Kristian and I taught the crash course (about 150 people who had never danced lindy before - quite amazing) and from there I just ... I don't know, kept on going? We got so many nice compliments on our teaching and on the fun-ness of the class, which made me happy, so it was a great start. And we were asked if we'd like to teach a beginner's weekend in Strömstad, where they want to start up some lindy dancing, in March. That would be loads of fun! Most things are fun with Kristian. We've started working on some nice stuff we want to teach in the intermediate/advanced course that starts in January. Anything that makes me giggle (or scream/ laugh hysterically, which also happens) will be used, that's a safe trick for knowing what's good :)

The big band was good too - Vintage Jazz Big Band, a bunch of old men with big smiles and a good feeling for the old stuff. I can't stand big bands who play neoswing and the likes on lindy occasions. Blah. However. Joakim was in town, so I got to dance a bit with him, which was great. It's always good to dance with someone that you've danced a lot with in the past, you understand each other better, the momentum is smoother, it's a bit like coming home. It is, after all, rare (at least if you're not on a higher level than I am) that you reach that amount of awesomeness when dancing with someone for the first time. (It does happen, though. Marty, get back here!)

This Sunday is mine, to use for what I want. I think it will be some general hanging around in the apartment, doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and just enjoying the happiness. Sounds good to me.

A little bit of this and that ...

+ As seen on the photo blog: Great news! :) I remembered that I can use the lens from my old analog camera with my new(er) digital one. Happy happy! The proportions are a bit weird and it doesn't work quite as well as the other one did, but hey, any photographing is better than no photographing. So I'm thinking I'll use this one until I've saved up some money do buy a new one, or maybe I can wish for it for Christmas.

+ Yesterday morning I thought that since I've spent years and years only remembering the bad things, the criticisms, the sarcasm, I'd spend this one day only listening to the compliments. And it was SO GOOD! And there were so many of them! How can I have not heard all these beautiful things before? I've been all happy all day, I intend to keep on living like this forever.

+ I'm looking forward to having some more time for the collages and arts project in the weeks to come. I've been missing it a great deal while dealing with all the school projects, homework and assignments, so I'm hoping to be able to make a whole lot of collages soon!

+ During the Te Deum (Arvo Pärt) rehearsal yesterday, the first one with full orchestra, everything clicked into place and the music, which has been so hard for me to form in my mouth, started forming itself and just floated out of my mouth. I love it when that happens, it's so rewarding to feel things loosen up a little bit, after weeks of work with a headstrong piece that didn't let me in at first.

+ I've been in town with Hanna all day (and Lisa part of the day). It's been lovely and I found a perfect black dress and cardigan (to wear when singing with choirs on finer occasions when black is required), and some other really nice things that will be shown sooner or later. I look forward to showing you my new ring which will be worn all the time with anything and everything.

+ I am now registered for the Snowball, a six-day lindy and balboa camp in Stockholm over New Year's. I thought that I'd have to cancel that to pay for a new lens, but since I found another solution I can still go, hooray! It looks like all the good teachers except for Vincenzo & Isabella will be there (as in Peter & Ramona, Frida & Skye, Henrik & Joanna, Steven Mitchell etc.). So looking forward to it! (If only I can found a place to stay when I'm there. We decided to get train tickets and all, but we've no idea where we'll be going to sleep ...)

Now I'm off to the balboa night. I haven't been dancing balboa for a while (seeing as planning the lindy classes has taken a lot of time) so I'm hoping I won't embarass myself ... Nah, it will be great!

A little bit of this and that ...

+ I woke up this morning and suddenly realize that from February, I am HOMELESS. I have known this since I moved here (in March), but today it just ... struck. I have NO IDEA where I am going to live. This has scared me all day, and my stomach aches when I think about it. I am trying to embrace the fact that everything has worked out just perfect in my life so far (I have the best friends in the world, I am lucky enough to study what I love (and this on an education that is actually quite hard to get into), I have a part-time job that I really like, I have hobbies (lindy, collages, books, more music, to name but a few) that make my life more beautiful, and so on) and that I shouldn't worry because this will work out, too. This has been harder than you'd think, though. But I'm working on it.

+ I receieved the most lovely gifts from Katie in the mail yesterday; a mix CD, a lovely collage and the moste PERFECT earrings. Will show them to you as soon as I have more time than now.

+ Today was the last class of this fall's beginners/indermediate lindy course, and they gave us flowers! I was really touched (so touched that I surprised myself) and happy. They seemed so happy, like we've actually taught them something, it feels so good to think about that. We'll probably teach intermediate/advanced this spring; we were asked to because of our very "counter balancey, close-positioned, yummy" (not my words ... but they do fit) style. Feels scary, but good.

+ I am loving fall and everything that comes with it; the bright blue sunny days, the grey drizzle that makes everything cozier (how does it do that, by the way?), the soft warm yellowish light in my apartment in the evenings. But most of all, the smells. I don't know what it is that tastes so good but I think about it every morning, whether it has rained or not. It's not just earthy, it's fresher, brighter, lighter. So much easier to breathe now, than in summer.

+ This post (in Swedish) by underbaraclara, about a new and better fashion icon, is hilarious, and made me happy.


I need to get up at half past five tomorrow morning. Have to be at school at seven to prepare the conducting homework that I had totally forgotten about. And coming unprepared to the conducting class (or to any class, for that matter) is just not an option. So now it's bedtime for sure.

So here's what happening:

I danced with Kristian on Wednesday; we were planning the first beginners-indermediate class, and I had decided not to dance too much, just do the necessary talking and then go home early, and then he put on Hayburner and we were in the big ballroom and had all the space in the world ... and I was like ... "oh well, one song can't hurt". And we danced, and it may have been one of our best ever. Gah, I'm so incredibly lucky to be his partner. Luck is what it is; we didn't really decide to be partners, it just happened, we just knew that it would work out. It's that magical connection again: I know very well that not everyone would work as well with him as I do (even though I've never heard of anyone disliking dancing with him), and I know lots of people who do not work well with me. But I don't care ... as long as I can dance with him a little bit now and then. Ooooh, it was so good I kept laughing and laughing. You know, when the momentum's so perfect that your stomach loves it. That's what I'm dancing for, those moments.

Afterwards I felt out of breath, weak and feverish-sweaty, so I guess it wasn't a great idea. But for that one dance it was so worth it.

So well, I'm still sick. Nothing's changing there.

Been doing some painting, in my journal. Just colors. Don't know yet what will come of it. Parts of me feel like leaving the spreads like they are, light blue, bright blue, gold, light yellow, some orange, a little bit of beige. But my fingers really want to add something to them ... I don't know what yet. It's exciting, to leave them open on my desk to dry, and go do something else (stand on the balcony, play betapet, write a blog entry, stalk someone on facebook), and then go back and suddenly see what needs to be done (at least that's what often happens, so I'm kind of hoping that's what'll happen now, too). It's a beautiful process to be part of ... when it's working.

J was here last night, to cheer me up a little bit (and make me some food). It worked of course, sometimes just being around him works. Sometimes it astounds me that we actually met on a bus (on a regular city bus, not one going far, I don't know what you call buses going between different cities and such) and that we're still best friends five years later. Sometimes it's the most natural thing in the world - how else would I get to know such an amazing, interesting and surprising individual, if not in an amazing, interesting and surprising way?

It struck me today that I'm probably sick now for a reason. I had it all planned out, you know, what I should do with these days to be super perfectly prepared for school; maybe what I need is to not prepare at all, maybe what I need is just go there in two weeks and sing, with my own voice, like I always do, and enjoy it, like I always do (but in different ways).

That felt good. This summer didn't turn out quite as I had planned ... but not in a bad way. It never does, does it?

I'm listening to Tides by Nitin Sawhney. So soothing, always. I waste my time (because I need to use it up somehow) by surfing internet pages that are all about looks: collage art (of course), but also what to wear, how to live, and I keep thinking that that's all just fine, but there is nothing like music. You will have to forgive me this. I can see a marvellous compostion, colors that make me feel like I want to lay down and die right now because they are so perfect, but it will never be like singing.

And I haven't even been able to sing, or play, for two weeks, it's killing me.

Not that I don't enjoy collaging anymore. (Actually, I haven't enjoyed it as much as of late, but more on that another time. And also, note to self, do write something about how I've been feeling like a lousy photographer wannabe lately.) But it's like - collaging, and color, and beautiful clothing, it will just have to come secondly. Collage is what I do to describe my life, express it, in a way; music is it, it is the core. I think that's what have made it so easy for lindy to take over the time and emotion I used to put in art journaling. I have to struggle to make my collages look like music, but it is not hard at all to make dancing look like music. If it doesn't show the music, it is not dancing.

Photo taken at a camp with my friends, 1999, and scanned for facebook photo albums.

I have now officially retreated to the parents' house. Because it always sucks to be sick, but it sucks a little less to be sick here. For several reasons:

1. Company. We don't talk much, my throat doesn't want me to (but then we've never really talked much), but that doesn't matter. It's just nice to have someone around.

2. They have a TV. Normally I hate television and almost everything shown on it, but when I'm sick, a TV is some sort of company, too. It's good to just sit on the couch and doze off a little.

3. I can eat luxury food that I can't (or I guess I could, but there are other things I want to put money on, too) afford to buy for myself! Such as ... cherry tomatoes and cashew nuts with (almost) every meal.

4. They like to spoil me a little.

5. My lungs have started to hurt in a most unpleasant way. No, actually, it doesn't really hurt, it just feels - well - unpleasant is a good word. It's like a pressure, it's heavier to breathe than normal and it makes me uncomfortable.

6. It's not far; I live just south of and they live a bit east of the city center. When my mother called yesterday to see how I was feeling, she just asked if I wanted to come here, and I said yes, and she came to pick me up. It's great, to still live in the city where I grew up, that I love more than any other place in the world. But then, why would I ever leave Göteborg.


I called Robin earlier today, to tell him I can't go to Stockholm tomorrow. I haven't seen him since April. I hate that.


Some good things too, so that I won't feel too sorry for myself:
- School starts in no more than two weeks. Hooray!

- I just got the most beautiful message on flickr, from a person who said that my collages and thoughts said I inspired her, and "i don't know what else to say really, just please don't stop, what you're doing." These comments and messages just leave me out of words. What do I do to deserve them?

- They just put the Fall 2007 program of lindy classes (they = WCJ, the lindy hop organization that I'm part of) online. Wohoo! There are so many amazing classes I want to take, like: "Fast and Slow - dancing both faster and slower than we mostly do requires musicality, timing, body awareness, balance and the ability to really listen to your partner and use all of the music [...]." Doesn't it sound super exiting?! And the Taking Over and Stealing classes with Marcus and Ellen! I'm fairly good at taking over, but there is always more to learn. Ooo, I want the classes to start NOW! No, wait ... I want to get well first.

The photo: a tree, growing on a school yard close to where I live.

Julia walked me to the tram stop a couple of days ago, after the last night of the Gothenburg Lindy Exchange. We talked about how Herräng and the Lindy Exchange had complemented each other to improve our dancing:
- Herräng showed me that I'm actually a very good dancer, I said, and the Lindy Exchange has shown me what wonderful amounts I still have left to learn.
She nodded. I paused.

And then it dawned upon me, not suddenly like something falling, but rising inside of me, like something waiting underneath, something that I have known for a while, maybe since my first six months of lindy: I need to stop hiding behind the fact that I've only danced a year and a half. I've been using that as a shield, a safety, so as to make it easier for me to accept failure; like when I don't follow something, I have been thinking that it's okay because I've only been dancing for a year and a half. Why can't it be just okay? Not okay because. I don't always follow everything. It should be okay. I should be able to accept it without needing to explain it. Why do I always need to have a reason - no, more than that, an excuse - for every mistake? I am human after all, we make mistakes!

And the reason I cannot hide behind that fact, any longer, is because it doesn't fit. I don't fit in that part anymore. I am better than that; I am better than most people who have been dancing for the same amount of time. This is hard for me to say, I am not used to talking about myself as better than most; nonetheless it is true and it will not do me (or anyone else, for that matter) any good to deny it. I need to know it and accept it, to be able to move on from here.

Naturally it is easier for me to learn faster since I've danced since I was ten, and also because I am a musician, it is not at all difficult for me to feel the music, and become a part of it. I can choose to step inside it, sometimes. But the reasons shouldn't matter: what matters is that I am on an advanced level - in classes quite obviously, I did the audition and they didn't put me in indermediate-advanced, they put me in advanced, I earned my place in that class - but also when social dancing.

It's a suit I've been wearing, the "I've been dancing for eighteen months" excuse, which I need to step out of; into the "I am an advanced dancer" way of thinking. It is time. Because I need to know where I am, to find out what to work on. And like I said, this weekend has given me wonderful ideas of all the things I need to work on. I love that feeling so much, that I could dance forever and still be learning, evolving, growing.

A drawing of la Victoire de Samothrace that I made at the Louvre when travelling in France and Italy last summer.

I'm thinking about ending my summer holidays and getting back to school tomorrow. School doesn't officially start until September 3rd, but it doesn't do to come back to school and not have practised for weeks. Actually I haven't practised at all during the whole of July. Oh, dear, I'll have some work to do with my voice! But I know better than to try to do serious singing practise when I'm still not fully recovered from the Herräng flu. It would do more harm than good to my voice. I'll have to wait ... But I long to sing. And I miss my school. The grand pianos on the 6th floor, the light that floods into the corridors, the music swimming through the windows when I walk up from the tram stop.



As if yesterday's (or actually "this morning's" would be a more accurate way of putting it) post didn't make that clear, I might be more into dancing now than I've ever been.

I met this guy in Herräng who explained that dancing to him was all about trying to get better and better. I was like, "wait a minute, where's the fun?". Of course, he enjoys it as well, but there's still that lingering thought of always improving, dancing with better dancers, dancing more, more often, practising ... And as I listened, I knew that that's how I was, before, when I was a contemporary dancer. I pushed myself all the time, I was so competitive, I had to have others confirming me all the time. In the end it was no fun at all.

So I've done that for TOO LONG, doing stuff only to try to be the best. Nowadays, I try not to do things to get better at doing them, ever. I do them because I love them and because I feel like doing them. My opinion is that everything that I really love doing, I will get better at, sooner or later. Because the only way to really get better at something is to enjoy it, profoundly. I want to be a good dancer and I want to learn more, but it is not my goal; my goal is to live the music (as is with everything I do in my life). The rest will all come, as long as I'm having fun.

I've been having fun dancing for more than a year now. I feel like a want to dance forever.

He also said another thing: The day that you start thinking about what other people think of your dancing, you're done. That's it. From that day on you will never enjoy it as much, unless you can stop it in time. If you think about what others think about your dancing, it will become less and less fun, and you'll worry more and more, and you will stop dancing.

He is so right. Lindy hop for me has always been because I love it, not because I have to force myself to get better. And I will do everything I can to keep it that way. I hope, I hope, that I learned that lesson when I was a contemporary dancer, but maybe I have to be careful. I cannot, I will not, fall into that gap again! I will dance for myself and myself only. And if others enjoy dancing with me, I'll love it. But I won't dance for them, nor for them to confirm or compliment me.

When I danced with a guy yesterday, I had to ask him why he looked so bored. Unfortunately someone had told him that I'm some sort of wonderful dancer. And I hate to disappoint people. And he looked bored. And I thought that I was boring. And I hate to be boring.

And he just smiled at me and said I would not have danced with you for that long if I had been bored with you. And I trusted him, instantly. And that's that.

Photo taken during a Lindy in the Park in July this year.

Oh, the Seattle blues -

- I felt like a feather tonight, but not as fleeting; I am not vague nor undecided, I am solid, one body, one movement, chains of movements, dancing. Still I am a feather.

Compared to years and years of feeling fat (although I never was), this lightness is heaven; this acceptance of my body and my weight the way it is, this new way of being, dancing, living - because I have the right to it, this space, I do not take up too much. The floor is mine, I own it, it belongs to my feet and through my feet my whole body. I used to wish I was neat. I have longed for pretty, secretly. I don't need that anymore. I'd rather be colorful, outrageous than meek. I will never be one of the pretty girls, not as long as it means what it means today: it means eye candy only; silent, well-mannered eye candy. I have too much to say to be pretty. Cute girls do not sparkle like I do.

It has happened that leaders have made it difficult for me, they've let things slip, without meaning to hurt me of course, but nevertheless - "I'd like to take the aerials class with M because she's light" - what does that make me other than heavy? But no, I am not heavy. They were wrong to say these things. I am light as a feather tonight, but not fleeting; comfortable in my skin, in my body, with my weight. This is me. Every part of my body is dancing.

I've got the post Herräng depression. I've heard others talk about it, and since I'm fairly overemotional about everything, I figured I'd get it too, so I thought I was prepared. How wrong wasn't I! I'm completely paralyzed. Everything is so different here: It's silent, to begin with, and not everyone I meet are dancers. Why aren't they? Let's just dance, here and now, in the middle of the street, like we do in Herräng!

It's going from a place where things happen literally all the time - there is just no time for sleep, people dance at all hours - to the soft calm of my summer holidays. June was like this too: slow, calm, cosy, nice. I was happy then. How long before I get used to the slow mode of living again? A whole month to go before school starts and things start to happen again.

Still I'm sleep-deprived and worn-out and I don't think I could have taken much more, so ... It's good to be home too, in a way ... Just so very different. I already miss all the people I met, the discussions and games.

I think I'm going to go out and stand on my balcony for a while. Everything is purple and pink and greyish blue there now; I live ont he seventh floor, and I often stand on my balcony when the sun goes down. I like to be a part of it.


The photo shows my friend Hanna, walking from the last dance night at about four in the morning. When we came up to the school area wew we sleep, they had already started to take down the tents were classes were held.

Two days ago I realised that Herräng was for me this year what all the music festivals have been before, every summer since I was 16. It's that general craziness of the place that I appreciate, that anything can happen. That there are so many wonderful people to talk to and get to know (and dance with!), that there's music all around and dancing all night, that I don't go to bed before sun is up. All these are things I associate with my once so festival-filled summers. Herräng is all that ... but without the mud, dirt and drunkenness. I am so glad that I'm going back tomorrow. Just one week hadn't been enough ... I felt as though I was just getting started (and I was, seeing as I didn't take any classes and was too tired from the volunteer job to dance with more than a few people each night).

Will try and update this blog more often when I come back to town. Promise!

Picture shows a blues jam that I sort of fell into at about five in the morning.