you will find it

I got a lovely e-mail from my friend Arne yesterday. Part of what he wrote was this: "... it's totally ok to say 'I dont know ... and I dont know what I want'. Just stick to that ... and don't try to hurry or rush out of it. You will find it". And in reading that I suddenly felt how right he is. I have my whole life in front of me ... and I needed that permission so much! That I am allowed to not know, and even more importantly, to not try to rush out of it. To be allowed to stay here.

I woke up happy both this morning and yesterday. This feels like a HUGE step forward from the dizzyness and general lowness that the medicine I talked about brings. I used to wake up happy most of the time - I could be very tired and want to sleep for a couple of hours more some days, but I used to be happy anyway - happy with my life, with having a whole new day in front of me. and this is how I felt this morning. I was so thankful to have it back.



And so, these two days have been good, good days. I can look back at September and October and acknowledge that it wasn't fun ... but I have energy to hope for a nicer November and December, now. I don't know if my body is getting used to the medicine, which my doctor hoped, or if it's something else, but I'm not going to analyze possible reasons for well-being. I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

So here is - yes, it's been a while, but I just can't force them - a good old "good things" list.

+ My doctor, speaking of which, is so good that she deserves a paragraph in the list all by herself. She is the best in the world and I am so so grateful to have finally met her! She is the fifth doctor I meet concerning this same issue, the first who has truly listened to me, and the first who has been able to think up a possible reason and treatment. For ten years I have heard from other doctors that "oh, that will pass in time". Well, it didn't. And now I am getting help. About time!

+ Yesterday the boyfriend and I took a walk around town, in that perfect crisp autumn weather that I love so much. Had some falafel and bought baubles for the Christmas tree (I know, I know ... it is early. But last year I saw so many beautiful ones and then thought "no, I'm going to wait until it's closer to Christmas so it will really feel like Christmas when I buy them" and then they were all gone. And I bought some new rolls of gift wrap too. Yes, I am addicted to gift wrap. Yes, I am proud of it.



+ I just got home from a great fika with Bersa. Good good good.

+ I need to get some new clothes. I'm not buying any clothes this for a year, as you may know - except for necessary things, and now some things have become necessary. I have, for example, two pairs of pants that still fit, and one of them is for summer use only (or I'll freeze my ass off no matter how many pairs of tights I wear underneath). That is one pair of usable pants, my friends ... I'm going to have to get another pair. Just one though! And I'll be needing warm shoes soon. But I think that's that. (Other things I have bought are three pairs of tights, because autumn in Göteborg is intolerable without them, and five pairs of socks, because well, socks are socks and they are known to have a life of their own. That's all since the first of July.)

+ I'm listening to Brahms' Requiem. I love Brahms' Requiem.

Oh, look at how easy it was to write something when ... well, when things started happening again :)